Things go pear-shaped ..

I mentioned that he's poly right?

Well, we have never really talked about what this means for 'us'. In fact, as I have already written, we have problems talking about 'us'/ Much of this is due to my .. I LOATHE having relationship 'talks' .. I find it incredibly difficult. 

So, while we have discussed and fantasised about having another woman in the bedroom - and agreed that this is something that we both want .. we haven't discussed dating or fucking outside the relationship, or what the relationship is (and therefore can we really be dating/fucking outside of it if it doesn't exist? ..aarrgghghghg). 

He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was 'in contact' with a woman who was looking for a couple. At the time, I got a bit thrown because it seemed to indicate that he was looking to stay in his city - not getting ready to come here, like I thought. The fact that he was in contact with a woman, well, it bothered me a little but, I trust him and, she was looking for a couple so .. all good right?

Uh-huh .. I am an idiot... go ahead .. say it. 

This past Sunday, we had been video chatting for a few hours when he told me that this woman had disappeared and was no longer answering his emails. Apparently, they had been exchanging erotic writing and at some point phone numbers as she called him asking for phone sex. Uhmm.. wtf???

Somehow, while he was calmly telling me all of this, I managed to keep it together and not have a knee-jerk reaction. After about 10 minutes I logged off and thought about what had just happened. For, if this woman was looking for a couple - wth was she doing only conversing with the male? And, how did he present him and I if she was comfortable calling him and asking for phone sex? Obviously she didn't think it was a problem  .. and clearly .. she wasn't only looking for a couple and .. uhhm .. clearly... he either had no idea what my boundaries are or that this was all incredibly disrespectful. The thing is, he told me all of this quite matter-of-factly .. his point was only 'isn't it weird that she disappeared?' ..  he clearly did not see it as a potential issue. 

So, between the distance, the ambiguous 'nature' of our relationship and now this rather serious breach of trust (in my opinion) .. I was at saturation point. 

To me, there was just too much to deal with - and trying to have a LDR where there are trust issues? Not my idea of a good time. 

So, I wrote an email (I always write an email) outlining my problems with the distance, the undefined nature of him and me and the fact that my trust was now dented .. and that I was having problems seeing a way through all of that. 

Initially, he tried to contact but seemed to be ignoring the email - but we touched base earlier tonight when he finally asked if we could discuss what I had written. 

First of all we 'defined' the relationship - well, he did, I got all tongue-tied like I always do and he took the lead so that I could just dis/agree as the case may be. So, we are on the same page there .. finally .. and I feel some sense of security about that. 

Next .. the distance .. and here is the kicker. He says he needs to stay where he is for another 12 months due to work. When I explained that it is incredibly hard for me to have him across the country he said it is incredibly hard for him to and he misses me all the time .. and here is where I simply don't get it. 

I'm a jumper. 

If I want something/see an opportunity I jump .. feet first, off the cliff and hope against hope that there aren't any rocks below .. Now I get that not everybody is like me, I really do .. and I can see the benefit/s of acting like a responsible adult at times .. but, there is responsibility and there is just plain fear and BS. 

And this, seems like fear and BS to me no matter how it is spun. I don't think he is BS-ing to me, I think he is BS-ing to himself because it is a big move and he needs time to process. 

So, he has asked me to wait for 12 months  ..to be effectively on lay-by (or lay-away for those of you in the USA) .. he has promised to visit .. but, that is where it stands. 

I haven't said okay. I am far from saying okay. The past 9 months have driven me batshit crazy as it is .. I am seriously unsure if I can do it for another 12, visits or no visits. 

And, on top of that, comes the poly issue .. we haven't discussed what happened with the woman - he apologised for upsetting me .. and asked if I wanted to be the one to choose or okay potential others - to which I said no. I don't want that. If he is attracted to somebody then we will look at what that means when it happens but I don't want to control that. 

BUT.

I absolutely cannot see myself being okay with him dating/fucking others while we are in a distance thing .. I am going to struggle a little as it is and I will need him nearby to help me with what I am sure will be a bit of a challenge .. but for someone else to get skin-skin contact while I only get him on a computer? .. Yeah, I don't think so. 

So, there needs to be more talk .. at which I suck. And I need to make a decision - at which I suck. And, I need to define my boundaries and figure out if and how this can work for me. 

I'm really not sure, but will let you now what I decide.

The one where she tries to set it all out succinctly ...

The story so far . . .

In case you have been too lazy to read my previous posts and because I have failed utterly to provide a linear narrative .. I think it will do you and me some good to recap. 

1: Girl meets guy online

2: Girl and guy hit it off and become involved in a virtual, distance thang.

• Problem: Guy is currently in a relationship and living with somebody although he says it is all but 'over' and asks girl to hang in there with him while this happens. 

3: About 6 months in: 'Affair 'has been very hot and heavy, they talk every day, often for hours and things get incredibly frustrating for the girl as she is waiting for him to leave relationship and she really, REALLY wants actual, skin-skin contact .. Skype ain't cutting it at this point. Things are very, VERY sexual and they both realise that this is a connection that one doesn't come across very often. 

4: She flies to him and spends the best part of a month in his city. He calls things off with the live-in GF and takes time off work - they spend quite a large amount of time together. It is more than either of them hoped .. and the sex is fantastic .. I mean, fucking fantastic. I don't know if you have ever had a six month buildup of phone sex and written/typed fantasies and video sex .. but ..hobooy .. it pays off.

• At this stage he is still living with ex GF but, only in a room mate capacity. 

5: When it is time to leave, he promises her that they will meet again - they have discussed him moving to be closer to her as he dislikes the city he is in - the biggest issue is the job - he doesn't want to give it up .. so although he has said he will come to her .. she has no idea when this will happen. 

6: They resume the relationship when she returns home but begin to talk practicalities. He is poly, or, poly-inclined and she .. isn't. 

• They share some fantasies and realise that they are both wanting to at least include another woman in the bedroom at times .. she thinks that this is a good step in giving him some variety while not challenging her emotional responses too far (okay, so she is actually kinda excited about it). 

7: Things get really bad with the ex GF and he moves in with his parents while looking for a new home. She worries that him getting settled somewhere closer to work will mean that he will be even less inclined to leave. 

8: Well ... this is where we are now .. and it ain't pretty .. in fact, it is getting kinda fucked up. 

Remember that detonator button?

The one from my first post?

It was meant to represent the ticking time-bomb that was the situation of my guy attempting to stay living with his ex just after they split up - as roomies .. sharing rent, expenses etc but no longer a bed. 

I figured it would just be a matter of time before this happend:

And happen it did, about a week ago. 

Although, as it turns out, it looked more like this:

They argued all weekend, he left. End of story. 

A kind of anti-climax really. Well for me anyhow. 

He is currently looking for new digs and this bothers me as it means that he is set to stay in the city he is in .. I was always hoping that things would get so bad that he would be compelled to 'run away' and come to me .. hey .. a girl can dream right? 

So .. he is now officially single, we get to talk a lot more .. all the time actually, we have been video Skyping for hours and hours .. and it's lovely .. but, I still can't touch him .. and I REALLY wanna touch him. 

I'll tell you what I want . .

I figured out that I want a 7.

If marriage/kids are 10

And FWB is 3/4 (depending)

With NSA being 0/1 (depending)

Then, I want a 7. 

Make sense?

We interrupt this narrative . . .

Let's skip a beat shall we?

I have been researching polyamoury for a week or so now because one of the difficulties I am finding is that I lack the vocabulary to express my definitions/wants/needs/expectations to my guy - and he keeps asking. Because he is terrifed he is going to wake up in a controlling, white-picket-fence relationship. 

And I get that, I really do. 

The thing is I don't want that either .. I have had my kids  - they are grown and out of home and while I think I could have probably done a better job, neither of them have turned out to be serial killers .. well, not that I am aware of. But the point is - I don't want suburbia, I don't want a husband and I don't want marriage - but, I do want somebody in my corner. 

Ideally, I want someone who lives closeby (I could handle living together I think but I am unconvinced that co-habitation is necessary), who I see at least 3-4 times a week, who provides emotional support, who knows and is interested in what is going on in my life and who is my lover. 

From what I can tell, this is a 'primary' relationship in poly terms. However, even this seems to be surrounded by contention as some poly folk seem to think that one can have several primary relationships - which kinda cancels out the primary bit no? .. I am confused. 

So, even when my guy and I dance around terms like 'relationship' and 'friendship' (yes, air quotes required but more on that later .. stay focused people!) and get kinda -sorta on the same page, we are left struggling with what 'we' are. 

We talk almost every day - usually for a couple of hours on Skype. Neither of us has a 'relationship' that is anywhere near as close with anybody else .. (I guess he would nod approvingly if I said we were each others primary 'friend'), neither of us is having sexual contact with anyone else, and when we do discuss outsiders being sexually involved - it is a sexual, not emotional involvement, and it usually involves bringing somebody or somebodies into 'our' bed .. for fun and profit (okay .. not profit but you follow right?). We are close, really, really close. He has told me he loves me (even though he doesn't believe in 'love' - yes, more air quotes) and I him .. I mean, he is moving to the other side of the country to be close by (I think .. that is the plan .. but .. well, I'll discuss that later to) which indicates to me that things are serious-ish .. aren't they?

Given that him moving is indeed a huge deal: leaving a decent job, leaving parents behind, coming to the country from the big smoke, changing states etc .. it's important that we talk. 

And, we try. 

Just last night he asked me what my 'expectations' (!!) are of him .. and I stuttered and stumbled and couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. formulate proper words. From memory, I said something along the lines of "I just want to be with you" .. lame I know. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am not great at any relationship (no air quotes) talks .. I struggle with this). Throw in a man who has just escaped what he considers to be a maniacally controlling relationship of which he was all-but tricked into, and who already had a pathological fear of 'relationships' anyhow and .. well .. I am scared to ask for what I want or to define it too heavily in case I scare him off. 

There, I said it. 

I don't know how to tell him that it's primary or nothing - he can fuck others, I can fuck others, WE can fuck others, but at the end of the day, I am just too emotionally invested in this man to have him as someone I just see once a week or less. 

And right this very moment, that terrifies me. I am terrified that if I try to explain what I want, he will feel potentially suffocated and run, but I am also terrified that if I don't explain and put a line in the sand then I will end up with less than I am deep-down willing to accept. It's a conundrum dear viewer .. it's a conundrum indeed. 

Whatever will she do?

The Net Connection Part 2 (Or, how I learned to stop worrying and get laid online)

This is way harder than I expected .. 

Bringing this blog up-to-date on things I mean, not, you know getting laid online because that .. well, let's face it, with Skype around, that part is kinda easy .. and fun. 

But, he did have to work for it. 

Having been single for quite a long, long LONG time (yes, I am talking years here), and having a rather problematic relationship with cameras and re-presentation (subject for a whole different and far more academic blog - so let's leave that for now) .. it took weeks before I would even show my face ..but of course, I eventually did .. and then I showed a whole lot more. 

I loved our cyber sessions .. I don't care what anyone says .. cybersex is fun ... and it can be damn personal if you are building a personal relationship with somebody. 

Which brings me to the first issue in this journey of getting to know a man who is poly by nature - he isn't comfortable with the word 'relationship'. 

Hhmmmmm .... 

Okay ... as a communications scholar, I can completely buy the premise that some words/terms mean different things to different people .. and I can be happy with that. 

As a woman .. I am thinking WTF???

And .. aren't you IN a relationship? Soooo .. WTF??

So, we are about 5-6 weeks in, things are hot and heavy (if not, as yet wet and wild .. Skype can only take one so far right?) ... and he has started to make these 'comments' and I have no idea how to process or make sense of any of it. 

On the one hand, he seems completely into me; we talk, for hours, every single day (well, almost every day), we email, we share intimate stuff, we joke, we tell each other how wonderful we think the other is .. it's all warm and really, really fuzzy .. so, again .. WTF?

You KNOW when someone is into you right? I mean, you just 'know' and I was pretty damn sure that he was into me .. in fact, he told me how wonderful I was all the time .. So, I decided to let the academic in me win the struggle and accept that it was simply an issue with te 'word' relationship rather than an issue with .. well, relationships themselves. 

Crisis avoided .. in the short term. 

Needless to say, this didn't last long .. the struggle for meaning grew the more we repressed and ignored it .. he claimed that he was into 'friendships' and that being a friend was more important than having a relationship .. and I, well, I admit, I struggled with this .. A lot.

Since meeting him, I have joined a relationship forum - run by women, for women, it is a place where women go to give each other advice about the men in their lives or, to vent about said men. I vented. A lot. 

The lovely ladies there have a saying to watch what a man does, not what he says. And this is great advice for the most part - but I managed to twist this logic so that while I was being told "I don't believe in relationships" (what he said), what I was taking on board was "I am really into you and you may just be the woman that changes me" (What he did .. or rather, how I interpreted what he did). Yeah .. I know .. kinda effed up huh??

The Internet Connection

So .. as I stated, he and I met online. 

For him, this was nothing new as he has been actively 'meeting' women online for about 10 years. For me however, it had been 10 years since I chatted or talked to anybody online - and yet, we were both coming from and in the same space at that moment.

For him, even though he had been online for years and had 'met' many people - some which moved to online or 'real life' (if you buy the term), none of these had really been successful. 

For me, I have met two med-term relationships online after only being involved with 2 men online - so, 2:2. However, both of these relationships went down the toilet rather spectacularly and both were initially distance and after number 2, I just didn't have it in me to do it all over again so, for the past 10/11 years, I have avoided 'meeting' people online. 

Cue November last year, a Friday night:

I was bored, I had taken a vacation from work and was a few months in. I was also a bit keen for human company - something which had not happened to me in many, many years. So, I Googled, clicked on the second link and signed onto a dating site (I was looking for a chatroom but it seemed that these are now primarily attached to dating sites - things have changed in 10 years). 

I spent the first 24 hours in the chatroom, rather bored but enjoying the company nevertheless and also fending off messages from men who have either been online way too long or, have no idea how to speak to women in any medium - or possibly both. 

24 hours in I had been online on and off for the whole night/day and was all-but-ready to call it quits when I went back into the chatroom .. and there he was. 




Yes, his name jumped out at me .. but it was the way he spoke that made me look at his profile and that together with his picture - I'm not talking about him being good-looking here .. I am talking about seeing a face/clothes/expression that just 'speaks' to you - well, I got butterflies, possibly for the first time in 10 years. 

We spoke only briefly and he had to go .. but I was excited - and decided to hang in there with this website. That was on the Saturday. 

It was on the following Tuesday that he reappeared and within moments he had sent me a private message (I gave him hints in the room :) ) .. and it started there and has never stopped. We talked (well, he talked more, I was all finger-tied and couldn't relax - it was crazy!), and made arrangements to meet the following day .. and the next .. and the next .. and we have barely missed a day since (well, he 'vanished' once or twice for a few days but that came much, much later). 

The Affair Part 2

The Affair Part 2

As I have already mentioned that my guy is poly and was in a relationship when we met, I should clarify that he was not in a relationship with a poly woman - 

In fact, the GF then was/is about as monogamous as you can get - marriage, happy-ever-after etc .. 

Uugghhh .. please!

So, I was indeed 'the other woman' in every sense of the word, even though I was virtual and about 4000 miles away. It was a recipe for disaster as he and I barrelled toward each other with increasing velocity and his relationship with her became plagued with problems and doubts which, while always there, we exacerbated by my presence. 

Did/do I feel badly about this? Absolutely. They were having problems and she was unaware of the reason for these problems - true, these existed before I ever came along but,  as he and I grew closer .. the problems that he had within the relationship changed. Let me explain: before he and I met, he had all but accepted that the relationship he was in, with all of its issue was 'normal' and 'how things are'. His loss of desire and sexual interest in her  he considered to be normal and her controlling ways he also considered to be normal. 

The thing is he did and still does like her enormously as a friend and she, being in love with him, clung to this friendship out of fear of losing 'him' forever. But it wasn't working. 

Possibly besides the point of this post, but I want you to understand that I did not happen upon an otherwise functional relationship and .. well, wreck it. This wasn't the case at all. Many times when he told me that he cared about and for her, I suggested that he take time and really try to work things out with her .. but, it was for all intents and purposes over as a romantic thing. 

In the meantime, our relationship grew and grew .. we talked for hours on Skype almost every day - sometimes writing, sometimes voice and sometimes video .. we also emailed and SMS'd and anything else we could thing of. This man moved into my head and, well, he still lives there to be honest. I think of little else. 

After about six months of being virtual, the time came to meet. It had been some time coming as he didn't know how he would manage to spend time with me because of her. I told him that he needed to figure this out as I was over being virtual and either we stepped up or, what was the point?

I flew to his city for 3.5 weeks. He had pre-planned a meet by telling the GF that he wanted to date other women and that he had 'recently' (yes, he lied) met someone online that he was interested in meeting for lunch and perhaps sleeping with. Thing is, she knew he was/is poly and she also knew that he was uninterested in her sexually but, she had managed to keep a lid on this for most of their 3-year relationship. 

It was by no means an easy chat and she made his life hell for a few weeks - hell. But, he stuck to his guns and insisted that he was going to meet 'this woman'/me irrespective of what she said (he did offer to move out and end the relationship if it was going to be too painful for her and, she also went on a date with another man first, so, this wasn't in any way an ultimatum or anything of that nature). 

The first time we met was not one of the 'dates' he had pre-planned with her. He made another excuse to be away for a couple of hours and, after six months of intensive communication and almost unbearable building lust .. we met. 

And it was utterly and completely amazing. 

It not only translated into real life, it transcended it; and this is when the 'affair' kicked up a notch. 

I think that he was always concerned that I would not come or, would back out at the last minute on a meet, but when I did show up and it was wonderful, well, he spent the weekend at home, we met again on the Monday and it was possibly even better .. and then, all bets were off. 

The more she tried to hold on to him, the more he came to me I guess. We really were like magnets. 

Long story short - he ended the relationship. Well, he tried to .. she refused to accept it and even now - some 5 weeks later, they are still having issues about this. 

Without disclosing too many personal details, lets just say that there are reasons that she and he are still in each others lives (no, not kids) on a day-to-day basis. On top of that - she came up with the brilliant plan that instead of moving out, that he move into the spare room so that they could continue to share living expenses .. (yes, any women reading this will recognise this for what it is .. any men .. well, it might sound perfectly reasonable to you). 

I am now back home and have been for a couple of weeks, they are still 'separated' but, sharing a house/life .. and I am actually okay with this .. really, doesn't bother me at all, I am just sitting back waiting for the inevitable A-bomb.

But .. reality is, I am here, he is there and well, she is still there to .. up next: This sucks beyond belief.

If you think you have relationship problems ..

I am here to make you feel much, much better.. 

Because chances are, after reading about mine you will have the same sense that you do after watching "Jerry Springer" -  utter relief that somebody, somewhere is crazier than you are. 

My current relationship (and I use the term loosely because, amongst other things, my guy is 'uncomfortable' with the term 'relationship' .. yeah .. I know) began ONLINE, is plagued by distance (we are on opposite sides if Australia - not a small thing), he was living with another woman so when we met so, it was also an affair .. and to top it off .. he is polyamorous and I'm well .. not .. at least I don't think so, but that is a whole other post. 

Red Flags Anyone??

Yeah .. I do so love a challenge. 

The Affair

I'll begin with the 'affair' aspect because that is where many people will focus - and I understand that. 

I told my guy from the beginning that I was not interested in becoming involved with a man who was attached .. and I meant it. I will be honest here and admit that this isn't a moral or ethical issue for me, it's a vanity one - I don't like feeling 'second' and I don't like the feeling of someone I am falling in love with sharing his day-to-day life with somebody else. 

He and I tussled with this because he assured me that although he liked his partner/GF very much, he had long lost any romantic/sexual feelings for her. 

Okay - but what exactly does that mean - he was still with her right? Still sharing her life and her bed? 

It was about 2 weeks in to our 'relationship' that I wrote the first of what would be several angst-ridden emails - I recall it well because I couldn't see the point in pursuing something when he was already 'taken' .. to me, it took all of the risk/surprise off the table - all he could offer was an affair and I wanted/needed more; I was ready to dive into something and REALLY find out where it would lead, and the affair meant that I knew EXACTLY where it owuld lead - he would still have someone central in his life and I would be broken-hearted - not my idea of a fun time. 

He responded that things were far from 'fixed or certain' and that he was actually quite unhappy with where he was, but unsure how to get 'unstuck' from where he was. 

This tided me over for a little while and as we were not being physical - well, nobody's squishy bits were getting touched, it was an online thing after all - I 'allowed' myself to continue (I use the "" around allowed because I am aware of just how much of a cop out this was). Fact is I had been single for seven years. And not just relationship single, single in every sense of the word. Single. No Sex. NO Romance. Nada. Zero. Zilch. So, yes, I guess I was both emotionally thirsty but also - I was so stunned to find somebody who I was attracted to - it had been so very long since this happened and I selfishly wanted to hang onto that - whatever self-justification was required. 

Okay .. it was lust .. so sue me

And so it began, and grew and got completely out-of-control in the good and the not-so-good way ...