Is it your move - or mine?

Relationship games. 

I've been thinking a lot about them today. 

Mainly because I got caught up reading blogs about 'no contact' and 'games men play' and 'how to get your ex back' and 'how to get him to treat you like a goddess' and 'the rubber band theory' 'using no contact and the rubber band theory to get your ex back and get him to treat you like a goddess' ... you get the drift. 

And while I am open to the idea that men and women have some biological differences and that men and women are socialised differently and enculturated with different ideas about relationships and sex, I CANNOT get on board with the idea that ALL men think one way and ALL women can circumvent/overcome/trap/negotiate this thinking with strategy. I tried swallowing this but .. I just gagged. 

I certainly can see some merit in the premise that if your lover is backing away and treating you like you aren't a priority then, you need to back off as well - but this seems to be common-sense and more about keeping your dignity rather than anything else. 

The problem (as far as I can see) is that even if you are loathe to play games, if a lover starts to behave like a jackass then, they leave you with little choice that to back away and give them some time to consider life without you. Of course, if somebody pulls away and withdraws their affection/love, one tends to miss them/it and, like a junkie who is missing a fix, there can be a tendency to seek out the source of the fix - we want to (re)feel the oxytocin flooding through our system again .. we want to feel good. 

So, the first instinct is to behave like a junkie and try to beg/borrow/steal our fix .. but this doesn't always pan out like we hope and if the supply withdraws even further well, that's when panic sets in. 

But, I am being general and vague and euphemistic and really, if this blog is about anything at all, it's about MY experience. 

So, here goes. 

My lover is still withdrawing. After coming back around yesterday and calling a few times and meeting up with me on skype (which, if you recall was short and not-so-sweet), he has disappeared again today. 

Given it's only been 24 hours, you may think I am being premature with my woe but, there are extenuating circumstances. 

I'll explain.

• I think after my little meltdown last week that I have made it pretty clear that I was upset with him vanishing without contact. 

• While I can accept that this is more about his emotional shit at the moment and nothing to do with him and I per se .. he is managing to get up and get his butt to work every day and so, I am sceptical that he is unable to 'handle' sending an email or text. 

• Last night, after the rather awkward skype session, I sent him and email saying I was feeling a bit lost (I know, I know .. but that is besides the point). I then sent another, much more upbeat one wishing him a good day and sharing some good news I had recieved. AND .. this morning, because I was still awake at 4am and knowing he would be at work, I sent him a sexy text (he had indicated that sex was not on his mind at all during the skype chat but, I was hoping to start scratching the surface to re-engage him ..). 

So .. his silence is not just silence after our talks yesterday, it is silence after 2 emails and a text. I have NEVER, EVER, EVER sent three comms in a row without waiting for a response and I am kicking myself for doing it because it seems that I have placed myself on the game board and already rolled all my die ... and I rolled snake eyes. 

My 'plan' (for want of a better word) was to send the perky email and the sexy text and then only respond to his responses after a while - I wanted him to think that I was feeling better about things and that I was not going to be demanding his attention immediately. You see, I am used to getting almost/immediate responses, and I am used to him doing most of the contact and pretty much all of the initiating. So this is unfamiliar territory and it appears that I have botched it. 

He maintains that it is his emotional crisis that is driving him (or rather, not driving him) right now and that the hike in meds is making him tired and unable to cope with as much comms as usual (as I was typing that I was thinking that if I was reading this blog I would have snorted out loud upon reading that last sentence). As I said, I am not entirely clear how he can be SO overwhelmed that he cannot just send a text - especially when I made it clear last week how hurtful it felt for him to just vanish - and double-especially when he seems more than capable of going to work (did I already mention that? I did didn't I). 

So, having shot my wad with the three messages, all I can do is sit back and watch/wait. It feels calculated, it feels inauthentic and it feels  .. like a game. And it appears that I can sneer at those websites that outline the rules for these male/female games all I want. I am playing whether I want to or not. 

Check.Mate?

The BITCH is Back

I read through my last few posts last night. I also penned (but didn't send - thank Yoda - a rather angsty email to O) ... then I sat back and thought to myself .. WTF woman? You are BETTER than this!

So, I gave myself a good, hard bitch slap. 

And I re-read "Why Men Love Bitches"and then, I decided that I am bringing back the bitch. The sexy. sassy, in-control of herself, un-needy, spontaneous, funny, smart woman who snagged this man in the first place. 

And no, I am NOT bringing her back for him, I am bringing her back for me. 

Somewhere along the line I got lost in this relationship .. I adore O and I love the way he makes me feel .. but I have just GOT TO stop looking to him to see whether or not I am 'happy' today. If he calls/contacts - great! If not .. well, that's okay to. 

I was NOT looking for a relationship when he and I met. I am not really looking for one now. Okay, I would love it if he and I became secure and happy with one another - but, that may or may not happen, there is simply no way to tell. It probably won't happen if I keep going the way I am and when it falls apart - I am the one who is going to be lost because I have been looking to him for my fun and happiness .. and that just ISN'T ME. When did this happen to me? When did I farm out my sense of self?? .. I can't recall the exact instance but .. it happened. 

No more. Absolutely not. Shit has to change. Time to re-find me. 

I hope he comes along for the ride, I really, really do but, if he doesn't, no amount of moping or worrying or crying will make it so. 

More later .. right now I have some planning to do - it starts tomorrow. 

I Think I'm About to Crack . . .

Yet again I am confused. Really confused. I may even be a little crazy, not sure about that one, but I will get back to you . . . 

After not hearing back from O (again) last night, we spoke on the phone earlier today. He actually quickly jumped back into calling several times and then getting on skype to talk when he got home. 

He also sent a gift through which should arrive in a day or so, which made me think that perhaps he WAS or HAD BEEN thinking of me after all ... 

But, the skype session was weird. 

He, was weird. 

His whole persona has changed ... the 'meltdown' he had that other Saturday (about 10 days ago now) has actually really crushed him .. he said that my 'angry' messages had been the final straw last week and that he just couldn't deal with anything so, he shut down. 

From what I saw and heard today, I think he is telling the truth. His meds have been massively increased (and here in Aus, they don't lightly increase these meds at all, they take it very, very seriously) and he just seems ... an emotional wreck. 

So, it's all about what he can and can't deal with or what he does or doesn't want/feel/need .. my anxieties, my needs .. they have to go .. *poof* .. like Kyser Soze .. because GF's, this boy is not up to dealing with anyone needing anything from him right now. 

We had the shortest Skype session we have ever had - about 40 minutes (admittedly, we had talked on the phone prior to this 3 or 4 times) .. and there was distance there, I felt it. I admit, I wasn't working to bridge it, I was mainly listening to what he was saying and really watching him and trying to figure out how I felt (have my feelings changed this past week?) about him, about 'us' (is there still an 'us' to think about?). 

He asked that I allow him time to get back on track and get his meds reduced again, I asked him what he meant but we didn't get to clarify, he just replied 'please let me get organised and settled'. I THINK that means 'please don't put any pressure on me' or 'please don't ask anything of me/become mad at me when I don't meet your expectations', I can't really see it meaning anything else. 

I am confused, I don't know what I feel, I sure as shit have no idea what to do. I don't even know what the current status of things is. 

I don't even know how to end this post. 

WTF is wrong with me??

After 5-ish days of being strong and not contacting, I broke today. 

Don't panic - I 'simply' sent a text saying I hoped things had settled down and that I missed him if that counted for anything. Nothing to feel bad about right???

He responded not long after with a breakdown of his week and saying he missed me to and asking if I wanted to 'talk again'. 

I spent an hour considering my answer (I kid you not) until I finally sent through: 'okay'.

I know right? Not my most articulate moment. 

Funny thing - that was over 3 hours ago so, he hasn't exactly rushed home to catch up .. I should have just let it be .. I DIDN'T want to know how great his new, 'laid back'life is .. and it was easier to work at remembering I was meant to be moving on than it is to speculate (again) why I have put myself in the position of feeling crappy because of this man. 

It's All Over Now (Baby Blue)

This was a somewhat short-lived blog about my relationship as it appears that said relationship is over .. kaput .. dead in the water. 

It has been 9 days since he and I spoke on the phone and 5 days since he contacted me in any way - our longest ever.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that I called things off on Tuesday - he was bewildered as to his 'crime', and attempted to call/email/sms (which I ignored as I was so angry). After 24 hours, I replied to an email as he sounded terribly upset and depressed to which he responded quite light-heartedly (which annoyed me as I felt he was, yet again, pushing my concerns under the rug) so, I responded that to me, people (men) don't call because they don't WANT to call. And, from this, I can surmise that he has lost interest - which is fine but, he could have told me and saved me a lot of angst that week. I wished him well and told him that it was okay. 

I have not heard from him since - that was ... nearly 5 days ago. 

Fact is, I DID call things off. 

I also meant it 100% at the time. 

I also expected him to chase/fight for me.

I am struggling to understand how he could just let things go like that (while simultaneously understanding that it was me who called them off).

I am really, REALLY struggling to not contact him but I cannot see any way past our issue of distance and, after reading this blog, am left asking what exactly I would be fighting for? Some semblance of what things were like when I was there and we were together and just after I got back home?

Even though he was pretty wonderful while I was there, things weren't perfect, HE is not perfect (nobody is right?). 

Letting go .. that needs to be my focus. 

Funny, when I started this blog I thought it would be a journal of how I got through a LDR, but it has taken a sharp U-turn and looks like it is going to be about my own recovery from what was perhaps an impossible relationship to begin with, I just didn't recognise that it was. 

Are we having fun yet?

Another crappy weekend.

O has had a falling out of ginormous proportions with his parents and has vanished to lick his wounds (at least I think that is what has happened).

He left me high and dry on Friday night after a cyber session got interrupted by my neighbour looking for pizza vouchers. He said he would be back, but never showed. Saturday morning I woke to some missed calls, SMS's, a voicemail and an email apologising. We talked on the phone a couple of times and he was really wigging out about this thing with his folks.

We last spoke about 3pm Saturday and he promised he would keep me in the loop as he wasn't doing great at all,

My bestest friend online (a married man with wisdom about men and their motivations - both good and bad) says I am behaving like a deluded, lovesick teenager in allowing O to treat me like this and expecting him to change.

He is probably right:

More postcards from the land of Absolut

My first question is to wonder if I will end up deleting all drunk posts or, staring at them in amazement and wonder in beholding the truth they glean. Yeah .. I would put my money on delete as well. 

My biggest problem with this blog is that it is becoming far too much a diary of just how much self-abuse and neglect I can tolerate and not so much a record or resource for those of you in an affair or a LDR - or both (Yoday forbid .. if this is you - RUN!!! - don't look back, don't collect $200 (or whatever inflation has that figure at nowadays) .. just run for your life. 

Yes .. it's dramatic .. I did mention that I am drunk again right? Oh .. yes, I realise it's not even lunchtime Monday .. see above re running for your life. 

Yes, dear reader .. O is absent again. It's been almost 3 days since my last confession and oh boy have I sinned. 

You can wait for the details right?

Things are beginning to take on a nice, vodka-like hue. Perhaps, I can even get through the day without having to listen to Bob Dylan's 'Stop Crying' (damn you YouTube!!)

Perhaps, I should also re-think my rule on not deleting posts - no matter how dull or self-indulgent: we shall see. Tomorrow perhaps.

Drunk postings (are there any other kind?)

Blah .. blah .. blah ...

What do you do if you are in love but, your lover sees you as 'friends' or 'lovers' only?

You retreat right?

You bail so hard and so fast that all he hears is crickets chirping in the dust.

If he doesn't want me enough .. fine.

If he can't deal with wanting me .. fine.

I am too drunk to care which one it is. I simply know that I feel devalued and insignificant.

There must be SOMEONE else out there right?

Talk to me .....

WTF???

If it is possible .. things just got worse.


WTF am I doing?

I have other men, available, as in emotionally available men who need far less leeway, pursuing me.

I just got ditched in the middle of a cyber-session so that he could go on POF to trawl.

How much can a koala bear?

(NB: If you are not Australian you won't get this:) )

Again I ask . .

Is it just me?

Am I being unreasonable?

Right now, as I type this, I am online with O. 

He is online with me also (obviously) as well as a German woman who he has apparently been talking to/with (I am unsure if this is somebody he has previously told me about or not) - and, definitely in a sexual way. 

I have no idea how I feel about this. We were sending dirty messages to each other when he interrupted to advise me that the German woman was being finicky about getting a full STI screen. 

Now .. my kneejerk reaction, (or is that my gut reaction? I am having problems differentiating between the two these days) was to be pissed off that he was talking to someone else at the same time that he was talking some sexy smack with me. My second reaction was just to be pissed in general that he was talking to her - with erotic intent - at all. 

He says that although she is 'handsome' (his word), she is rather vanilla and really, is only for he and I to play with and (I think) he has told her about me - at least he mentioned that she was wanting/willing for a F/F/M encounter. 

I am not sure I believe him about the only looking for me and him part. 

I am not convinced that he isn't completely ready to meet with the first woman who is willing to meet him. 

I have no idea how I feel about this - he has me all turned around so that I don't know the difference between unreasonable and being perfectly sane/reasonable anymore - this isn't good right?

Two nights ago he said not to worry about his prowling on POF as he wasn't actually 'looking for pussy' (he isn't normally so crude as to use 'pussy' - a word I despise) .. that he was only there for fun and entertainment - to see just how far/much the women there were willing to lie about themselves. He also said not to worry about losing him as he wasn't going anywhere. 

Again, I remain unconvinced. 

To add salt to injury, he asked me to contact her as his 'friend and/or lover' ..

I am not an expert on polyamorous relationships .. but I have done some research, and I did join a forum where I could ask questions - I also befriended a married (poly) male who answers all of my questions in great detail. 

The one thing that everyone seems to think is that you don't just introduce a new or potential sex partner as a fait accompli .. it just isn't done. And, being in sexual communication with another woman and THEN telling me afterwards .. well, that comes under that umbrella in my book. 

So, yet again, I am confused .. are we a partnership that is negotiating how and when we will have other lovers or, am I just one of a potential brood of women?

What do you do when you gut tells you one thing but your mind tells you another?

Stay tuned .. I have a feeling things are going to get interesting.