I Think I'm About to Crack . . .

Yet again I am confused. Really confused. I may even be a little crazy, not sure about that one, but I will get back to you . . . 

After not hearing back from O (again) last night, we spoke on the phone earlier today. He actually quickly jumped back into calling several times and then getting on skype to talk when he got home. 

He also sent a gift through which should arrive in a day or so, which made me think that perhaps he WAS or HAD BEEN thinking of me after all ... 

But, the skype session was weird. 

He, was weird. 

His whole persona has changed ... the 'meltdown' he had that other Saturday (about 10 days ago now) has actually really crushed him .. he said that my 'angry' messages had been the final straw last week and that he just couldn't deal with anything so, he shut down. 

From what I saw and heard today, I think he is telling the truth. His meds have been massively increased (and here in Aus, they don't lightly increase these meds at all, they take it very, very seriously) and he just seems ... an emotional wreck. 

So, it's all about what he can and can't deal with or what he does or doesn't want/feel/need .. my anxieties, my needs .. they have to go .. *poof* .. like Kyser Soze .. because GF's, this boy is not up to dealing with anyone needing anything from him right now. 

We had the shortest Skype session we have ever had - about 40 minutes (admittedly, we had talked on the phone prior to this 3 or 4 times) .. and there was distance there, I felt it. I admit, I wasn't working to bridge it, I was mainly listening to what he was saying and really watching him and trying to figure out how I felt (have my feelings changed this past week?) about him, about 'us' (is there still an 'us' to think about?). 

He asked that I allow him time to get back on track and get his meds reduced again, I asked him what he meant but we didn't get to clarify, he just replied 'please let me get organised and settled'. I THINK that means 'please don't put any pressure on me' or 'please don't ask anything of me/become mad at me when I don't meet your expectations', I can't really see it meaning anything else. 

I am confused, I don't know what I feel, I sure as shit have no idea what to do. I don't even know what the current status of things is. 

I don't even know how to end this post.