Is it your move - or mine?

Relationship games. 

I've been thinking a lot about them today. 

Mainly because I got caught up reading blogs about 'no contact' and 'games men play' and 'how to get your ex back' and 'how to get him to treat you like a goddess' and 'the rubber band theory' 'using no contact and the rubber band theory to get your ex back and get him to treat you like a goddess' ... you get the drift. 

And while I am open to the idea that men and women have some biological differences and that men and women are socialised differently and enculturated with different ideas about relationships and sex, I CANNOT get on board with the idea that ALL men think one way and ALL women can circumvent/overcome/trap/negotiate this thinking with strategy. I tried swallowing this but .. I just gagged. 

I certainly can see some merit in the premise that if your lover is backing away and treating you like you aren't a priority then, you need to back off as well - but this seems to be common-sense and more about keeping your dignity rather than anything else. 

The problem (as far as I can see) is that even if you are loathe to play games, if a lover starts to behave like a jackass then, they leave you with little choice that to back away and give them some time to consider life without you. Of course, if somebody pulls away and withdraws their affection/love, one tends to miss them/it and, like a junkie who is missing a fix, there can be a tendency to seek out the source of the fix - we want to (re)feel the oxytocin flooding through our system again .. we want to feel good. 

So, the first instinct is to behave like a junkie and try to beg/borrow/steal our fix .. but this doesn't always pan out like we hope and if the supply withdraws even further well, that's when panic sets in. 

But, I am being general and vague and euphemistic and really, if this blog is about anything at all, it's about MY experience. 

So, here goes. 

My lover is still withdrawing. After coming back around yesterday and calling a few times and meeting up with me on skype (which, if you recall was short and not-so-sweet), he has disappeared again today. 

Given it's only been 24 hours, you may think I am being premature with my woe but, there are extenuating circumstances. 

I'll explain.

• I think after my little meltdown last week that I have made it pretty clear that I was upset with him vanishing without contact. 

• While I can accept that this is more about his emotional shit at the moment and nothing to do with him and I per se .. he is managing to get up and get his butt to work every day and so, I am sceptical that he is unable to 'handle' sending an email or text. 

• Last night, after the rather awkward skype session, I sent him and email saying I was feeling a bit lost (I know, I know .. but that is besides the point). I then sent another, much more upbeat one wishing him a good day and sharing some good news I had recieved. AND .. this morning, because I was still awake at 4am and knowing he would be at work, I sent him a sexy text (he had indicated that sex was not on his mind at all during the skype chat but, I was hoping to start scratching the surface to re-engage him ..). 

So .. his silence is not just silence after our talks yesterday, it is silence after 2 emails and a text. I have NEVER, EVER, EVER sent three comms in a row without waiting for a response and I am kicking myself for doing it because it seems that I have placed myself on the game board and already rolled all my die ... and I rolled snake eyes. 

My 'plan' (for want of a better word) was to send the perky email and the sexy text and then only respond to his responses after a while - I wanted him to think that I was feeling better about things and that I was not going to be demanding his attention immediately. You see, I am used to getting almost/immediate responses, and I am used to him doing most of the contact and pretty much all of the initiating. So this is unfamiliar territory and it appears that I have botched it. 

He maintains that it is his emotional crisis that is driving him (or rather, not driving him) right now and that the hike in meds is making him tired and unable to cope with as much comms as usual (as I was typing that I was thinking that if I was reading this blog I would have snorted out loud upon reading that last sentence). As I said, I am not entirely clear how he can be SO overwhelmed that he cannot just send a text - especially when I made it clear last week how hurtful it felt for him to just vanish - and double-especially when he seems more than capable of going to work (did I already mention that? I did didn't I). 

So, having shot my wad with the three messages, all I can do is sit back and watch/wait. It feels calculated, it feels inauthentic and it feels  .. like a game. And it appears that I can sneer at those websites that outline the rules for these male/female games all I want. I am playing whether I want to or not. 

Check.Mate?

I Think I'm About to Crack . . .

Yet again I am confused. Really confused. I may even be a little crazy, not sure about that one, but I will get back to you . . . 

After not hearing back from O (again) last night, we spoke on the phone earlier today. He actually quickly jumped back into calling several times and then getting on skype to talk when he got home. 

He also sent a gift through which should arrive in a day or so, which made me think that perhaps he WAS or HAD BEEN thinking of me after all ... 

But, the skype session was weird. 

He, was weird. 

His whole persona has changed ... the 'meltdown' he had that other Saturday (about 10 days ago now) has actually really crushed him .. he said that my 'angry' messages had been the final straw last week and that he just couldn't deal with anything so, he shut down. 

From what I saw and heard today, I think he is telling the truth. His meds have been massively increased (and here in Aus, they don't lightly increase these meds at all, they take it very, very seriously) and he just seems ... an emotional wreck. 

So, it's all about what he can and can't deal with or what he does or doesn't want/feel/need .. my anxieties, my needs .. they have to go .. *poof* .. like Kyser Soze .. because GF's, this boy is not up to dealing with anyone needing anything from him right now. 

We had the shortest Skype session we have ever had - about 40 minutes (admittedly, we had talked on the phone prior to this 3 or 4 times) .. and there was distance there, I felt it. I admit, I wasn't working to bridge it, I was mainly listening to what he was saying and really watching him and trying to figure out how I felt (have my feelings changed this past week?) about him, about 'us' (is there still an 'us' to think about?). 

He asked that I allow him time to get back on track and get his meds reduced again, I asked him what he meant but we didn't get to clarify, he just replied 'please let me get organised and settled'. I THINK that means 'please don't put any pressure on me' or 'please don't ask anything of me/become mad at me when I don't meet your expectations', I can't really see it meaning anything else. 

I am confused, I don't know what I feel, I sure as shit have no idea what to do. I don't even know what the current status of things is. 

I don't even know how to end this post. 

WTF is wrong with me??

After 5-ish days of being strong and not contacting, I broke today. 

Don't panic - I 'simply' sent a text saying I hoped things had settled down and that I missed him if that counted for anything. Nothing to feel bad about right???

He responded not long after with a breakdown of his week and saying he missed me to and asking if I wanted to 'talk again'. 

I spent an hour considering my answer (I kid you not) until I finally sent through: 'okay'.

I know right? Not my most articulate moment. 

Funny thing - that was over 3 hours ago so, he hasn't exactly rushed home to catch up .. I should have just let it be .. I DIDN'T want to know how great his new, 'laid back'life is .. and it was easier to work at remembering I was meant to be moving on than it is to speculate (again) why I have put myself in the position of feeling crappy because of this man. 

It's All Over Now (Baby Blue)

This was a somewhat short-lived blog about my relationship as it appears that said relationship is over .. kaput .. dead in the water. 

It has been 9 days since he and I spoke on the phone and 5 days since he contacted me in any way - our longest ever.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that I called things off on Tuesday - he was bewildered as to his 'crime', and attempted to call/email/sms (which I ignored as I was so angry). After 24 hours, I replied to an email as he sounded terribly upset and depressed to which he responded quite light-heartedly (which annoyed me as I felt he was, yet again, pushing my concerns under the rug) so, I responded that to me, people (men) don't call because they don't WANT to call. And, from this, I can surmise that he has lost interest - which is fine but, he could have told me and saved me a lot of angst that week. I wished him well and told him that it was okay. 

I have not heard from him since - that was ... nearly 5 days ago. 

Fact is, I DID call things off. 

I also meant it 100% at the time. 

I also expected him to chase/fight for me.

I am struggling to understand how he could just let things go like that (while simultaneously understanding that it was me who called them off).

I am really, REALLY struggling to not contact him but I cannot see any way past our issue of distance and, after reading this blog, am left asking what exactly I would be fighting for? Some semblance of what things were like when I was there and we were together and just after I got back home?

Even though he was pretty wonderful while I was there, things weren't perfect, HE is not perfect (nobody is right?). 

Letting go .. that needs to be my focus. 

Funny, when I started this blog I thought it would be a journal of how I got through a LDR, but it has taken a sharp U-turn and looks like it is going to be about my own recovery from what was perhaps an impossible relationship to begin with, I just didn't recognise that it was. 

Men are so damn confusing . . .

I'll contact when I am settled in .. 

That's what O said almost 3 days ago. 

He was moving on Friday - carting his stuff from the ex GF's house - some was going to be stored at his parents' house - electrical stuff he wants to photograph and sell online - the rest, to his new digs. I didn't expect to hear from him on the Friday and thought perhaps not Saturday but, it's now past his bedtime on Sunday night and not a word, not a call, not even an SMS. 

Fuck you O. 

Why do men think it's okay to run hot and cold? Why is okay to call and skype and text constantly for a week and then disappear for three days? 

MY 'friends' at the women's forum I am a member of (well, I was, I kinda lost my temper yesterday and got banned ..lol) would say that it shows he isn't really interested; that no man who was truly interested in making me part of his life would risk not contacting for three days. 

They are most probably right. 

I am really struggling tonight. Struggling to come to terms with what is wrong with me. Because, you know, there MUST be something wrong with me. Why else would I put up with everything O is asking of me/doing to me? Why am I wiping away tears when he is obviously enjoying himself settling into new digs and getting to know his new roomies? 

I really need to come to terms with the facts as they are:

• He thinks it is fine to ignore me for 3 days. 
• He still has an active POF profile and is listed as single. 
• He 'decided' that he is staying in his current city for another 12 months and this was decided without any discussion with me so, obviously, he doesn't think I should have any input or say - I am not part of his life in that way. 
• He cannot 'love' me (or anybody)
• He doesn't want a 'traditional' relationship (with anyone). 

WTF is wrong with me? Is my self-esteem so very low that I am just grateful for the time and attention that he does give me? 

No, it's not that simple, it really isn't. The confusing thing is that he behaves like we ARE in a relationship - he (usually) calls/texts/skypes a few times every day, we are (at least I thought we were) the central person in each others life (okay so being MIA for three days doesn't support this very well .. I get that). 

I have no idea what to do. My first impulse is to not respond for as long as he is MIA for - the problem with this of course is that not responding is an active/aggressive thing to do whereas not contacting is a passive thing to do so, they aren't equal. If I don't respond it is sending a clear message of 'I don't want to talk to you/am pissed off with you' .. but not contacting can mean anything .. not anything good admittedly but, it isn't aggressive in the same way that not responding is. 

It just hurts and I am so, SO tired of being doubtful and hurting. 

If any men are reading this - take note: It hurts us terribly when you don't contact, it belittles us and makes us feel unimportant. If that is your intention all well and good but, if you value your lady, just check in with her .. let her know that no matter what else is going on, you are thinking of her. This is especially important when you are in a LDR because all of our insecurities come out to play if we are left wondering in the silence. 

A is for angst .. right?

It's completely irrational, bordering on insanity really. 

When I am in a relationship or even when I am just in love, I get angsty, I get very, very angsty. 

I can often hide it from the target or cause of my angst - in fact, most of my ex-lovers would refer to me as fairly laid-back overall, I have several that I am still friends with - I even touched base with my very-ever-first loved last year and even though it has been close to 28 years since we spoke, he remarked that I still seemed like the laid-back me. I am very good friends with an ex from 10 years ago - we talk all the time and he has said the same .. so you see, I am very good at hiding it. Until I am not. 

My behaviour ranges from mild uneasiness to outright paranoia; depending upon the perceived slight I am facing but the fear is always the same; he has stopped liking/loving me/he is going to leave. 

Does everyone get this way? I'm inclined to think we have all experienced this to a degree but believe me when I tell you that my angst can beat up your angst any day .. I am the Spiderwoman of angst; it's my superpower. 

Take this morning. It's 4:15am and I cannot sleep. Why? Because my guy hasn't contacted since 9:30am yesterday morning. Yeah .. that's right, it hasn't even been 24 hours. 

The thing is, over the past weekend, right after our 'break-up' and for the week before it as well, he was calling/skyping/texting all the time .. half a dozen times a day sometimes - and we have never missed an evening Skype chat - until tonight. Even last night, he was going out to have dinner with some new friends. Before he went he skyped for an hour, on the way there he sent a couple of SMS's saying that he missed me and discussing some plans for my upcoming visit next month. On the way back from the dinner he SMS'd again and when he got home, even though it was extremely late, he skyped to say goodnight. I was then awoken by skype first thing until he realised he had woken me and told me to go back to sleep and he would call later - which he did. When he called we had a brief half-hour chat and he said he would call later to talk longer .. but he never did. And rather than recall that he has been incredibly warm and attentive for ages now, I am focused upon the fact that he hasn't called. It's crazy!

I have used the photograph from True Romance above because that's what this feels like - laughing while being beaten to a pulp in a bathroom by Tony Soprano .. it simply makes no sense outside of a particular narrative to worry and fret - and yet .. here it is .. happening. 

Does anybody else get this way, or is it just me?