Are we having fun yet?

Another crappy weekend.

O has had a falling out of ginormous proportions with his parents and has vanished to lick his wounds (at least I think that is what has happened).

He left me high and dry on Friday night after a cyber session got interrupted by my neighbour looking for pizza vouchers. He said he would be back, but never showed. Saturday morning I woke to some missed calls, SMS's, a voicemail and an email apologising. We talked on the phone a couple of times and he was really wigging out about this thing with his folks.

We last spoke about 3pm Saturday and he promised he would keep me in the loop as he wasn't doing great at all,

My bestest friend online (a married man with wisdom about men and their motivations - both good and bad) says I am behaving like a deluded, lovesick teenager in allowing O to treat me like this and expecting him to change.

He is probably right:

Men are so damn confusing . . .

I'll contact when I am settled in .. 

That's what O said almost 3 days ago. 

He was moving on Friday - carting his stuff from the ex GF's house - some was going to be stored at his parents' house - electrical stuff he wants to photograph and sell online - the rest, to his new digs. I didn't expect to hear from him on the Friday and thought perhaps not Saturday but, it's now past his bedtime on Sunday night and not a word, not a call, not even an SMS. 

Fuck you O. 

Why do men think it's okay to run hot and cold? Why is okay to call and skype and text constantly for a week and then disappear for three days? 

MY 'friends' at the women's forum I am a member of (well, I was, I kinda lost my temper yesterday and got banned ..lol) would say that it shows he isn't really interested; that no man who was truly interested in making me part of his life would risk not contacting for three days. 

They are most probably right. 

I am really struggling tonight. Struggling to come to terms with what is wrong with me. Because, you know, there MUST be something wrong with me. Why else would I put up with everything O is asking of me/doing to me? Why am I wiping away tears when he is obviously enjoying himself settling into new digs and getting to know his new roomies? 

I really need to come to terms with the facts as they are:

• He thinks it is fine to ignore me for 3 days. 
• He still has an active POF profile and is listed as single. 
• He 'decided' that he is staying in his current city for another 12 months and this was decided without any discussion with me so, obviously, he doesn't think I should have any input or say - I am not part of his life in that way. 
• He cannot 'love' me (or anybody)
• He doesn't want a 'traditional' relationship (with anyone). 

WTF is wrong with me? Is my self-esteem so very low that I am just grateful for the time and attention that he does give me? 

No, it's not that simple, it really isn't. The confusing thing is that he behaves like we ARE in a relationship - he (usually) calls/texts/skypes a few times every day, we are (at least I thought we were) the central person in each others life (okay so being MIA for three days doesn't support this very well .. I get that). 

I have no idea what to do. My first impulse is to not respond for as long as he is MIA for - the problem with this of course is that not responding is an active/aggressive thing to do whereas not contacting is a passive thing to do so, they aren't equal. If I don't respond it is sending a clear message of 'I don't want to talk to you/am pissed off with you' .. but not contacting can mean anything .. not anything good admittedly but, it isn't aggressive in the same way that not responding is. 

It just hurts and I am so, SO tired of being doubtful and hurting. 

If any men are reading this - take note: It hurts us terribly when you don't contact, it belittles us and makes us feel unimportant. If that is your intention all well and good but, if you value your lady, just check in with her .. let her know that no matter what else is going on, you are thinking of her. This is especially important when you are in a LDR because all of our insecurities come out to play if we are left wondering in the silence. 

It's not stalking if it's research ..

My guy's ex GF has a blog. 

And in/on (?) this blog she has documented her life for the past few years - including her relationship with my guy ... she usually only posted about him when things were bad and/or they were breaking up - which seemed to happen every 6 months or so - and this makes it extremely tempting to read. For me I mean - but, I'm sure you followed me around that bend. 

I have even responded to a few of her posts - yes, that's right, I have been responding to posts on my current guy's ex GF's blog without her knowing that it was me responding - I am going to hell .. in fact, I am going to that special hell where they send people who flood your email with stupid FWD's and those who talk during films ... 

It's not that I want to upset or goad her, far from it - I was actually trying to be helpful and nice as she seemed to be in pain and I just wanted her to think/know that someone, somewhere was listening and heard and felt her pain. 

As I read through her blog, I began to really like this woman - she actually reminded me of me. She is smart and kinda fucked-up and she has self-esteem issues, she also seems to attract the wrong type of men into her life .. ooo yeah, she is EXACTLY like me. 

But, funny thing - she began to reply to my responses, naming posts after me, thanking me and calling me 'wise' (a very, special kind of hell) .. until 1 day she kinda turned on me because (I assume) she sensed some judgement in one of my responses - and she got quite shirty or narky .. not sure which .. not sure what the difference is to be honest but she was definitely on the sliding scale between those two. I tried to smooth it over but she was having none of it ... No sir! Explain yourself! WHAT did you mean???

And I got a small, a very small inkling of what my guy has been talking about re this woman .. she may seem reasonable and emotionally resonant but actually, she is a control freak who likes to feel sorry for herself and to wax lyrical on how she has been wronged and deserves so much better. 

So, I stopped responding (but I still read :P)

A is for angst .. right?

It's completely irrational, bordering on insanity really. 

When I am in a relationship or even when I am just in love, I get angsty, I get very, very angsty. 

I can often hide it from the target or cause of my angst - in fact, most of my ex-lovers would refer to me as fairly laid-back overall, I have several that I am still friends with - I even touched base with my very-ever-first loved last year and even though it has been close to 28 years since we spoke, he remarked that I still seemed like the laid-back me. I am very good friends with an ex from 10 years ago - we talk all the time and he has said the same .. so you see, I am very good at hiding it. Until I am not. 

My behaviour ranges from mild uneasiness to outright paranoia; depending upon the perceived slight I am facing but the fear is always the same; he has stopped liking/loving me/he is going to leave. 

Does everyone get this way? I'm inclined to think we have all experienced this to a degree but believe me when I tell you that my angst can beat up your angst any day .. I am the Spiderwoman of angst; it's my superpower. 

Take this morning. It's 4:15am and I cannot sleep. Why? Because my guy hasn't contacted since 9:30am yesterday morning. Yeah .. that's right, it hasn't even been 24 hours. 

The thing is, over the past weekend, right after our 'break-up' and for the week before it as well, he was calling/skyping/texting all the time .. half a dozen times a day sometimes - and we have never missed an evening Skype chat - until tonight. Even last night, he was going out to have dinner with some new friends. Before he went he skyped for an hour, on the way there he sent a couple of SMS's saying that he missed me and discussing some plans for my upcoming visit next month. On the way back from the dinner he SMS'd again and when he got home, even though it was extremely late, he skyped to say goodnight. I was then awoken by skype first thing until he realised he had woken me and told me to go back to sleep and he would call later - which he did. When he called we had a brief half-hour chat and he said he would call later to talk longer .. but he never did. And rather than recall that he has been incredibly warm and attentive for ages now, I am focused upon the fact that he hasn't called. It's crazy!

I have used the photograph from True Romance above because that's what this feels like - laughing while being beaten to a pulp in a bathroom by Tony Soprano .. it simply makes no sense outside of a particular narrative to worry and fret - and yet .. here it is .. happening. 

Does anybody else get this way, or is it just me?

But I really, REALLY like you.

Today has been a good day. 

It's been a hell of a good day.

I'm in love. 

I have no doubts whatsoever on this - and I apologise to anybody reading who is NOT currently in love because, I remember how puke-inducing it is to read about love when you aren't in love .. but .. there ya go .. puke away. 

I split up with my guy a few days ago - I called things off.

Mainly because I am not and do not deal with distance .. I LOATHE it. But, there was also the matter that he had updated his POF.com profile and it was .. well, it was pretty specific; he's still looking. IN fact, he has described me 2.0 in what he is looking for .. all the good bits but with the flaws removed. 

I wrote and told him that he should maybe take this time and just be single .. just do it right? Go for it. 

Well, my stand lasted about 12 hours until we talked, and by the next morning we were both feeling a bit broken and shattered .. by that afternoon (after I got friendly with a bottle of vodka and emailed him).. it was pretty much all back on again. Yes, I have lost all credibility but hey .. I got some damn fine cybersex. 

He has been wonderfully attentive these past few weeks since he moved away from the ex GF. He calls all the time and texts regularly and we are pretty much in the habit of sharing our day-day stuff. He is warm and loving and sweet and caring (I know.. gag right?) .. BUT .. he claims he cannot feel love. 

I have done a bit of Googling on this and there seems to be quite a number of people out there who claim they cannot or do not 'feel' love. This was all actually news to me; I thought it was just psychopaths who didn't love .. I thought wrong apparently. 

The strangest thing is that, it FEELS like love when I am with him. It really does. I have been in love before and I have been loved before and this FEELS like love. So, it's very confusing. Some of my GF's say that he does love, he just doesn't admit it to himself, or, he is capable of it, he had just been hurt and protecting himself .. you know what I am saying .. all those reasons excuses that would jump to mind (and are possibly jumping to mind for you right now as you read this) to explain how it is possible for somebody not to feel love. It seems impossible, unthinkable and it is rather terrifying to be in love with someone who says he cannot love - if you can imagine it. 

I got quietly and utterly drunk on the evening after the initial day that I suggested we go our separate ways for a bit .. I am talking a whole bottle of Stolis in two hours kinda drunk .. so, by the time our 'reconciliation' was happening, we fell into some pretty steamy phone chat and I think, I repeat THINK that I told him at least 3 times that I loved him .. I think I even apologised for it. **Sigh** .. yeah .. me and credibility aren't happy bedfellows this week. 

But, the funny thing is since I sold my soul (actually 'sold' is giving me too much credit, I just gave it up no charge, no questions) he has been incredibly sweet .. more so than usual .. and he keeps telling me just how MUCH he likes and adores me .. he SMS's constantly, he calls all the time, he is constantly lustful and complimentary. So, the weird thing is, that MY love maybe gives him some security? I'm not sure .. given that this is a man who is also allergic to the word 'relationship' (have I blogged about that yet? .. I must have .. surely ..)

He has told me that he loves me .. more than once actually .. and there is definitely a conversation in there but one that needs to be had over a bottle of something 40 proof methinks. In the meantime .. he likes me, he really, REALLY likes me .. and, for the moment, I guess I can live with that?