Is it your move - or mine?

Relationship games. 

I've been thinking a lot about them today. 

Mainly because I got caught up reading blogs about 'no contact' and 'games men play' and 'how to get your ex back' and 'how to get him to treat you like a goddess' and 'the rubber band theory' 'using no contact and the rubber band theory to get your ex back and get him to treat you like a goddess' ... you get the drift. 

And while I am open to the idea that men and women have some biological differences and that men and women are socialised differently and enculturated with different ideas about relationships and sex, I CANNOT get on board with the idea that ALL men think one way and ALL women can circumvent/overcome/trap/negotiate this thinking with strategy. I tried swallowing this but .. I just gagged. 

I certainly can see some merit in the premise that if your lover is backing away and treating you like you aren't a priority then, you need to back off as well - but this seems to be common-sense and more about keeping your dignity rather than anything else. 

The problem (as far as I can see) is that even if you are loathe to play games, if a lover starts to behave like a jackass then, they leave you with little choice that to back away and give them some time to consider life without you. Of course, if somebody pulls away and withdraws their affection/love, one tends to miss them/it and, like a junkie who is missing a fix, there can be a tendency to seek out the source of the fix - we want to (re)feel the oxytocin flooding through our system again .. we want to feel good. 

So, the first instinct is to behave like a junkie and try to beg/borrow/steal our fix .. but this doesn't always pan out like we hope and if the supply withdraws even further well, that's when panic sets in. 

But, I am being general and vague and euphemistic and really, if this blog is about anything at all, it's about MY experience. 

So, here goes. 

My lover is still withdrawing. After coming back around yesterday and calling a few times and meeting up with me on skype (which, if you recall was short and not-so-sweet), he has disappeared again today. 

Given it's only been 24 hours, you may think I am being premature with my woe but, there are extenuating circumstances. 

I'll explain.

• I think after my little meltdown last week that I have made it pretty clear that I was upset with him vanishing without contact. 

• While I can accept that this is more about his emotional shit at the moment and nothing to do with him and I per se .. he is managing to get up and get his butt to work every day and so, I am sceptical that he is unable to 'handle' sending an email or text. 

• Last night, after the rather awkward skype session, I sent him and email saying I was feeling a bit lost (I know, I know .. but that is besides the point). I then sent another, much more upbeat one wishing him a good day and sharing some good news I had recieved. AND .. this morning, because I was still awake at 4am and knowing he would be at work, I sent him a sexy text (he had indicated that sex was not on his mind at all during the skype chat but, I was hoping to start scratching the surface to re-engage him ..). 

So .. his silence is not just silence after our talks yesterday, it is silence after 2 emails and a text. I have NEVER, EVER, EVER sent three comms in a row without waiting for a response and I am kicking myself for doing it because it seems that I have placed myself on the game board and already rolled all my die ... and I rolled snake eyes. 

My 'plan' (for want of a better word) was to send the perky email and the sexy text and then only respond to his responses after a while - I wanted him to think that I was feeling better about things and that I was not going to be demanding his attention immediately. You see, I am used to getting almost/immediate responses, and I am used to him doing most of the contact and pretty much all of the initiating. So this is unfamiliar territory and it appears that I have botched it. 

He maintains that it is his emotional crisis that is driving him (or rather, not driving him) right now and that the hike in meds is making him tired and unable to cope with as much comms as usual (as I was typing that I was thinking that if I was reading this blog I would have snorted out loud upon reading that last sentence). As I said, I am not entirely clear how he can be SO overwhelmed that he cannot just send a text - especially when I made it clear last week how hurtful it felt for him to just vanish - and double-especially when he seems more than capable of going to work (did I already mention that? I did didn't I). 

So, having shot my wad with the three messages, all I can do is sit back and watch/wait. It feels calculated, it feels inauthentic and it feels  .. like a game. And it appears that I can sneer at those websites that outline the rules for these male/female games all I want. I am playing whether I want to or not. 

Check.Mate?

The BITCH is Back

I read through my last few posts last night. I also penned (but didn't send - thank Yoda - a rather angsty email to O) ... then I sat back and thought to myself .. WTF woman? You are BETTER than this!

So, I gave myself a good, hard bitch slap. 

And I re-read "Why Men Love Bitches"and then, I decided that I am bringing back the bitch. The sexy. sassy, in-control of herself, un-needy, spontaneous, funny, smart woman who snagged this man in the first place. 

And no, I am NOT bringing her back for him, I am bringing her back for me. 

Somewhere along the line I got lost in this relationship .. I adore O and I love the way he makes me feel .. but I have just GOT TO stop looking to him to see whether or not I am 'happy' today. If he calls/contacts - great! If not .. well, that's okay to. 

I was NOT looking for a relationship when he and I met. I am not really looking for one now. Okay, I would love it if he and I became secure and happy with one another - but, that may or may not happen, there is simply no way to tell. It probably won't happen if I keep going the way I am and when it falls apart - I am the one who is going to be lost because I have been looking to him for my fun and happiness .. and that just ISN'T ME. When did this happen to me? When did I farm out my sense of self?? .. I can't recall the exact instance but .. it happened. 

No more. Absolutely not. Shit has to change. Time to re-find me. 

I hope he comes along for the ride, I really, really do but, if he doesn't, no amount of moping or worrying or crying will make it so. 

More later .. right now I have some planning to do - it starts tomorrow. 

I Think I'm About to Crack . . .

Yet again I am confused. Really confused. I may even be a little crazy, not sure about that one, but I will get back to you . . . 

After not hearing back from O (again) last night, we spoke on the phone earlier today. He actually quickly jumped back into calling several times and then getting on skype to talk when he got home. 

He also sent a gift through which should arrive in a day or so, which made me think that perhaps he WAS or HAD BEEN thinking of me after all ... 

But, the skype session was weird. 

He, was weird. 

His whole persona has changed ... the 'meltdown' he had that other Saturday (about 10 days ago now) has actually really crushed him .. he said that my 'angry' messages had been the final straw last week and that he just couldn't deal with anything so, he shut down. 

From what I saw and heard today, I think he is telling the truth. His meds have been massively increased (and here in Aus, they don't lightly increase these meds at all, they take it very, very seriously) and he just seems ... an emotional wreck. 

So, it's all about what he can and can't deal with or what he does or doesn't want/feel/need .. my anxieties, my needs .. they have to go .. *poof* .. like Kyser Soze .. because GF's, this boy is not up to dealing with anyone needing anything from him right now. 

We had the shortest Skype session we have ever had - about 40 minutes (admittedly, we had talked on the phone prior to this 3 or 4 times) .. and there was distance there, I felt it. I admit, I wasn't working to bridge it, I was mainly listening to what he was saying and really watching him and trying to figure out how I felt (have my feelings changed this past week?) about him, about 'us' (is there still an 'us' to think about?). 

He asked that I allow him time to get back on track and get his meds reduced again, I asked him what he meant but we didn't get to clarify, he just replied 'please let me get organised and settled'. I THINK that means 'please don't put any pressure on me' or 'please don't ask anything of me/become mad at me when I don't meet your expectations', I can't really see it meaning anything else. 

I am confused, I don't know what I feel, I sure as shit have no idea what to do. I don't even know what the current status of things is. 

I don't even know how to end this post. 

WTF is wrong with me??

After 5-ish days of being strong and not contacting, I broke today. 

Don't panic - I 'simply' sent a text saying I hoped things had settled down and that I missed him if that counted for anything. Nothing to feel bad about right???

He responded not long after with a breakdown of his week and saying he missed me to and asking if I wanted to 'talk again'. 

I spent an hour considering my answer (I kid you not) until I finally sent through: 'okay'.

I know right? Not my most articulate moment. 

Funny thing - that was over 3 hours ago so, he hasn't exactly rushed home to catch up .. I should have just let it be .. I DIDN'T want to know how great his new, 'laid back'life is .. and it was easier to work at remembering I was meant to be moving on than it is to speculate (again) why I have put myself in the position of feeling crappy because of this man. 

Drunk postings (are there any other kind?)

Blah .. blah .. blah ...

What do you do if you are in love but, your lover sees you as 'friends' or 'lovers' only?

You retreat right?

You bail so hard and so fast that all he hears is crickets chirping in the dust.

If he doesn't want me enough .. fine.

If he can't deal with wanting me .. fine.

I am too drunk to care which one it is. I simply know that I feel devalued and insignificant.

There must be SOMEONE else out there right?

Talk to me .....

WTF???

If it is possible .. things just got worse.


WTF am I doing?

I have other men, available, as in emotionally available men who need far less leeway, pursuing me.

I just got ditched in the middle of a cyber-session so that he could go on POF to trawl.

How much can a koala bear?

(NB: If you are not Australian you won't get this:) )

Again I ask . .

Is it just me?

Am I being unreasonable?

Right now, as I type this, I am online with O. 

He is online with me also (obviously) as well as a German woman who he has apparently been talking to/with (I am unsure if this is somebody he has previously told me about or not) - and, definitely in a sexual way. 

I have no idea how I feel about this. We were sending dirty messages to each other when he interrupted to advise me that the German woman was being finicky about getting a full STI screen. 

Now .. my kneejerk reaction, (or is that my gut reaction? I am having problems differentiating between the two these days) was to be pissed off that he was talking to someone else at the same time that he was talking some sexy smack with me. My second reaction was just to be pissed in general that he was talking to her - with erotic intent - at all. 

He says that although she is 'handsome' (his word), she is rather vanilla and really, is only for he and I to play with and (I think) he has told her about me - at least he mentioned that she was wanting/willing for a F/F/M encounter. 

I am not sure I believe him about the only looking for me and him part. 

I am not convinced that he isn't completely ready to meet with the first woman who is willing to meet him. 

I have no idea how I feel about this - he has me all turned around so that I don't know the difference between unreasonable and being perfectly sane/reasonable anymore - this isn't good right?

Two nights ago he said not to worry about his prowling on POF as he wasn't actually 'looking for pussy' (he isn't normally so crude as to use 'pussy' - a word I despise) .. that he was only there for fun and entertainment - to see just how far/much the women there were willing to lie about themselves. He also said not to worry about losing him as he wasn't going anywhere. 

Again, I remain unconvinced. 

To add salt to injury, he asked me to contact her as his 'friend and/or lover' ..

I am not an expert on polyamorous relationships .. but I have done some research, and I did join a forum where I could ask questions - I also befriended a married (poly) male who answers all of my questions in great detail. 

The one thing that everyone seems to think is that you don't just introduce a new or potential sex partner as a fait accompli .. it just isn't done. And, being in sexual communication with another woman and THEN telling me afterwards .. well, that comes under that umbrella in my book. 

So, yet again, I am confused .. are we a partnership that is negotiating how and when we will have other lovers or, am I just one of a potential brood of women?

What do you do when you gut tells you one thing but your mind tells you another?

Stay tuned .. I have a feeling things are going to get interesting. 

Mind-fucking

Shakespeare Sir Walter Scott said it best  .. 

(I really wanted to use Shakespeare but, what can ya do?)

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive"

I'm in a web of my own making right now, it's absolutely nobody's fault but my own. That doesn't make it any easier or, make it hurt less or even give me an escape hatch. Because, webs are sticky things and the problem is that even if we create them to ensnare our object of desire, there is a strong chance that other stuff is going to get .. well, ensnared as well, like ourselves .. for example. 

You probably have no idea what I am talking about and really, why would you? I was trying to be all literary and profound but really, I'm just sitting here licking my self-inflicted wounds - nowhere near as pretty an analogy, and certainly not profound. 

You see I'm not just stuck in a web of my own making, I'm mind-fucking myself - and not in, you know, the good way. No, it's in the 'what-the-hell-have-you-done-you-self-destructive-bitch' kinda way. 

The only good thing I can think to come from this is that I can serve as a cautionary tale for any other travellers on the LDR road .. I think much of this blog is a cautionary tale really so, why stop now? Why not just lay my cards on the table (or is that let them scatter all over the floor?) because someone, somewhere might just learn a thing or two about what not to do. 

So, if you are in a LDR, take heed, because I have a few words of wisdom:

1. Don't be too available for your lover - if you and he have a set time to talk and it's been more than a few months, great .. allow yourself to become part of his day-to-day, routine life, BUT (and I cannot stress this enough), if he deviates or fails to respect your routine and/or starts taking you for granted, even just a little bit, then be a bit more elusive, don't ever let him feel that he has you, no matter what. 
2. Insist on honesty - let him know that you won't have a stupid tanty or put him over the proverbial grill if he is honest with you BUT, at the same time, don't just 'accept' any behaviour/attitude because it comes under the umbrella of telling the truth. There is a vast difference between being an emotional nightmare to deal with (and so to be avoided) and a doormat. Know the difference, understand it, put it into practice. 
3. Don't drive yourself crazy wondering who or what he is up to and who or what with. He's a man so, chances are he did at least something today that you wouldn't be completely happy about. That's okay; it's almost to be expected - guys like to look and to fantasize about touching - if he is yours, that's as far as it will go and you don't ever have to know about it, if he isn't, well, you will learn that soon enough - no point derailing yourself in the meantime. 
4. Being at a distance gives you one, very important asset: you can be 'the perfect woman'. You aren't 'there' all the time, you can retain a bit of mystery and aloofness, you can get him to desire you like crazy because he cannot have you. This is no small thing - use it, let him miss you occasionally. (Conversely, this is also your biggest weakness, and works only for a limited time, the longer you are apart, the less power this wields).

There are no doubt more and I will add them as I think of them. It's probably, actually a very long list and everything on here was learnt either through this LD'R' or, in one of the previous ones. You see, I have found that certain principles hold true no matter who the guy and what the circumstances. The central and most disturbing of these .. let's call them truisms is this: most guys in most LDR's will cheat, most of the time. 

It may be that you trust your lover 100%, and I'm not going to dispute that - you know him better than I do. However my own personal experience bears this out 100%, three LDR's that all ended with cheating, that's 3:3, not excellent odds and really, a rather solid foundation for my angst. 

These men were/are not all assholes either. My first LDR was with a lovely, gentle man who I know for a fact loved me dearly. That relationship was over a decade ago and he and I are back in touch now as friends and I have asked him about what happened back then and he has told me; it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that I simply wasn't 'there', and she was. He couldn't see any way he and I could be together in (what was then) the near future and so, he opted out. 

Cheater number two WAS a lying, cheating scumbag. It wouldn't have mattered whether it was a LDR or not, he was going to cheat, a lot, with anyone he could cheat with. Ironically, he actually moved across the country to be with me - he made the journey - only to spend his days trawling the internet for women (plural, BIG plural). The worst aspect of this relationship was that while we were still in a distance thing, he once told me that he needed a 'weekend off' (no comms) because he was feeling overwhelmed with his feelings for me and the decision of whether or not to move and being the trusting, drama-free girl that I always strive to be, I was more than happy to give him this time. It wasn't until months later that I found out he was spending that weekend with one of his internet women. 

Before you ask yourself why on earth I allowed myself to become involved in yet another distance thing with yet another man I met online, let me explain that between numbers 1/2 and number 3, there has been about 11 years. I had no intention whatsoever of ever, EVER doing this again. 

But of course I did/have - which brings us to number 3 - my current guy. 

As you can imagine, my radar is somewhat skewed by my previous experiences. I have only ever been cheated on in distance relationships, it has never happened to me with men I met who lived close-by. Number 2 was a womaniser and I am not sure that it is fair to lump him in with number 1 in that sense as number 1 was circumstantial but, facts are facts. 

Number 3. Mr current. O. He isn't exactly 'cheating' as we aren't exactly in a 'relationship' and besides, he is telling me about the women he is talking to online - so, that's okay right (remember what I said about honesty?). Well, actually, it isn't. It isn't even a little bit okay. I'm not okay with it - not by a long, long shot. 

The worst part is that I don't feel that I have the right to be upset - like I am the one with the problem because, if we aren't 'really' in a relationship and if he is telling me about the women he is talking to then, it's not cheating right? In fact, isn't that just poly in practise? Well, no, I don't think it is. Because we never agreed it was okay to have sexual contact with other people 'as such' (we have never talked about ground rules or even if 'we' are in the postion to need ground rules). There all kinds of assumptions built in with his behaviour and actions about what is okay and what isn't okay - all his. IN many ways, I can't blame him as he has been kinda-sorta upfront and kinda-sorta honest - but, somehow, it feels like there is deception disguised as honesty at work here. Fact is, I feel devalued as a woman, as a person and certainly as a lover. 

I don't know how we can overcome distance, my background with LDR which is directly feeding my insecurities and his polyamorous nature - it is indeed a tangled, tangled web. 

'poly-speak'

I'm confused (again)

I am not sure if my guy is actually (or wants to be actually) polyamorous or, if he just wants to be able to fuck other women - to explore a little or, if he is just a commitment-phobe. Maybe he's a bit of all three.

As we are in a LDR, I forsee problems in front of us - actually, we have problems behind us and problems on top of us right now. I am open to discussing his sexual needs, I am open to exploring my own. But, I am not open to either of us exploring these needs while we are separated by a very, VERY large continent. I cannot see myself being in any way okay with him being in physical contact (or emotional come to that) with other women while I am unable to be in contact with him myself. I don't care how it is sold to me, I ain't buying.

Hell, I am not even sure of exactly what our 'relationship' (there go those air quotes again) is. A couple of weeks ago he described his ideal as me and him being a hub, one that brings in other sexual partners, and I am okay with this but - call me crazy - how the eff does a hub work from a distance?

I keep reading up on poly and I am pretty sure this isn't what he has in mind. It's not really what I have in mind either. I want him to be happy but I also want me to be happy - and I am fucked if I can figure out how to be happy when we are miles apart and he is talking to other women online in order to set them up as potential sex partners for him and me.

I seem to lack the vocabulary to discuss my fears, concerns and needs - and this goes for the whole 'relationship' .. is this another bad sign?

I don't understand how someone can feel so right for me and yet so wrong at the same time.

luurve junkie?

Looking back on the crappy relationships I have had, there were signs that the other party was less than .. well .. healthy, signs I chose to happily ignore because, you know, I was too flushed with dopamine and oxytocin to really care or, to care enough. 

Looking back at the LDR's I have had (oh yes, I'm in the plural here, this will be my third) I should also have opted out early on because one turned out to be a sociopathic womaniser and the other, well, he ripped my life apart when he wouldn't or couldn't take the step/s needed to be with me. And, I'm not talking metaphorically ripped apart - although there were some pretty spectacular metaphorical moments, but, I was so devastated that my whole life - every single aspect - took a hit and as ashamed as I am to admit it, some 11 years later, some parts have still not recovered and probably never will. A part of who I was got burned up in that break-up, the ambitious, fearless me was murdered and she won't be back again - I didn't even attend her funeral; I was too busy mourning. 

After Mr heartbreak came Mr sociopath and then, 3 or 4 (maybe 5?) short flings - each one more terrible than the one before until I finally put a halt on men completely - I went cold turkey. For seven years. 

And I was happy.

And I was free. 

Well, okay, I was content, and I didn't miss relationships and I didn't even miss sex (and believe me, I have a vast sex drive) after a while. I had completely and utterly given up the idea that I would ever have sex again or meet a man who even remotely interested me. And then I ran into O .. in a goddam chatroom of all places - something I had vowed 11 years before with Mr Heartbreak I would never, EVER do again - meet a man online and get involved in a distance affair. Not only that but he was taken .. aye carumba .. pass the girl some sense . . someone!!! 

Okay so at least O and I are in the same country .. that is something, even if we are on opposite coastlines. And, as of now, O is single, the GF is now the 'ex' GF so, again, this is a good thing. But the distance ... it's a problem .. and it plagues me every single day. I have had a distance thing blow up in my face as Mr heartbreak just couldn't make that final move when the time came - and I cannot but wonder if O's reasoning to stay where he is for another 12 months is a HUGE flag telling me that I am just not a priority and probably never will be. 

Is the fact that he is okay staying where he is a sign that I am ignoring? Or, is it a rational and adult approach to organising a new life: staying in a well paid job to garner more funds and more contacts before leaving for what is (without question) a downgrade in the employment chain (he won't get the same or even a similar job here, they simply don't exist). 

Is he leading me on?

Is it possible to keep feelings alive over a distance for ANOTHER 12 months? (11.5 now .. yes O, I'm counting!) 

When I called things off last week and cited the 12 month-stint as a reason, he said that he felt I was giving him and ultimatum of 'come here now or it's over'. Funny thing is, I feel the same way, like he is telling me 'wait 12 months or' ... well, there is no 'or', it's just 'wait 12 months', no discussion, no compromise.  

Is this my sign?

Will I look back on this one day and wonder why the hell I didn't just cut my losses?

Things go pear-shaped ..

I mentioned that he's poly right?

Well, we have never really talked about what this means for 'us'. In fact, as I have already written, we have problems talking about 'us'/ Much of this is due to my .. I LOATHE having relationship 'talks' .. I find it incredibly difficult. 

So, while we have discussed and fantasised about having another woman in the bedroom - and agreed that this is something that we both want .. we haven't discussed dating or fucking outside the relationship, or what the relationship is (and therefore can we really be dating/fucking outside of it if it doesn't exist? ..aarrgghghghg). 

He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was 'in contact' with a woman who was looking for a couple. At the time, I got a bit thrown because it seemed to indicate that he was looking to stay in his city - not getting ready to come here, like I thought. The fact that he was in contact with a woman, well, it bothered me a little but, I trust him and, she was looking for a couple so .. all good right?

Uh-huh .. I am an idiot... go ahead .. say it. 

This past Sunday, we had been video chatting for a few hours when he told me that this woman had disappeared and was no longer answering his emails. Apparently, they had been exchanging erotic writing and at some point phone numbers as she called him asking for phone sex. Uhmm.. wtf???

Somehow, while he was calmly telling me all of this, I managed to keep it together and not have a knee-jerk reaction. After about 10 minutes I logged off and thought about what had just happened. For, if this woman was looking for a couple - wth was she doing only conversing with the male? And, how did he present him and I if she was comfortable calling him and asking for phone sex? Obviously she didn't think it was a problem  .. and clearly .. she wasn't only looking for a couple and .. uhhm .. clearly... he either had no idea what my boundaries are or that this was all incredibly disrespectful. The thing is, he told me all of this quite matter-of-factly .. his point was only 'isn't it weird that she disappeared?' ..  he clearly did not see it as a potential issue. 

So, between the distance, the ambiguous 'nature' of our relationship and now this rather serious breach of trust (in my opinion) .. I was at saturation point. 

To me, there was just too much to deal with - and trying to have a LDR where there are trust issues? Not my idea of a good time. 

So, I wrote an email (I always write an email) outlining my problems with the distance, the undefined nature of him and me and the fact that my trust was now dented .. and that I was having problems seeing a way through all of that. 

Initially, he tried to contact but seemed to be ignoring the email - but we touched base earlier tonight when he finally asked if we could discuss what I had written. 

First of all we 'defined' the relationship - well, he did, I got all tongue-tied like I always do and he took the lead so that I could just dis/agree as the case may be. So, we are on the same page there .. finally .. and I feel some sense of security about that. 

Next .. the distance .. and here is the kicker. He says he needs to stay where he is for another 12 months due to work. When I explained that it is incredibly hard for me to have him across the country he said it is incredibly hard for him to and he misses me all the time .. and here is where I simply don't get it. 

I'm a jumper. 

If I want something/see an opportunity I jump .. feet first, off the cliff and hope against hope that there aren't any rocks below .. Now I get that not everybody is like me, I really do .. and I can see the benefit/s of acting like a responsible adult at times .. but, there is responsibility and there is just plain fear and BS. 

And this, seems like fear and BS to me no matter how it is spun. I don't think he is BS-ing to me, I think he is BS-ing to himself because it is a big move and he needs time to process. 

So, he has asked me to wait for 12 months  ..to be effectively on lay-by (or lay-away for those of you in the USA) .. he has promised to visit .. but, that is where it stands. 

I haven't said okay. I am far from saying okay. The past 9 months have driven me batshit crazy as it is .. I am seriously unsure if I can do it for another 12, visits or no visits. 

And, on top of that, comes the poly issue .. we haven't discussed what happened with the woman - he apologised for upsetting me .. and asked if I wanted to be the one to choose or okay potential others - to which I said no. I don't want that. If he is attracted to somebody then we will look at what that means when it happens but I don't want to control that. 

BUT.

I absolutely cannot see myself being okay with him dating/fucking others while we are in a distance thing .. I am going to struggle a little as it is and I will need him nearby to help me with what I am sure will be a bit of a challenge .. but for someone else to get skin-skin contact while I only get him on a computer? .. Yeah, I don't think so. 

So, there needs to be more talk .. at which I suck. And I need to make a decision - at which I suck. And, I need to define my boundaries and figure out if and how this can work for me. 

I'm really not sure, but will let you now what I decide.

We interrupt this narrative . . .

Let's skip a beat shall we?

I have been researching polyamoury for a week or so now because one of the difficulties I am finding is that I lack the vocabulary to express my definitions/wants/needs/expectations to my guy - and he keeps asking. Because he is terrifed he is going to wake up in a controlling, white-picket-fence relationship. 

And I get that, I really do. 

The thing is I don't want that either .. I have had my kids  - they are grown and out of home and while I think I could have probably done a better job, neither of them have turned out to be serial killers .. well, not that I am aware of. But the point is - I don't want suburbia, I don't want a husband and I don't want marriage - but, I do want somebody in my corner. 

Ideally, I want someone who lives closeby (I could handle living together I think but I am unconvinced that co-habitation is necessary), who I see at least 3-4 times a week, who provides emotional support, who knows and is interested in what is going on in my life and who is my lover. 

From what I can tell, this is a 'primary' relationship in poly terms. However, even this seems to be surrounded by contention as some poly folk seem to think that one can have several primary relationships - which kinda cancels out the primary bit no? .. I am confused. 

So, even when my guy and I dance around terms like 'relationship' and 'friendship' (yes, air quotes required but more on that later .. stay focused people!) and get kinda -sorta on the same page, we are left struggling with what 'we' are. 

We talk almost every day - usually for a couple of hours on Skype. Neither of us has a 'relationship' that is anywhere near as close with anybody else .. (I guess he would nod approvingly if I said we were each others primary 'friend'), neither of us is having sexual contact with anyone else, and when we do discuss outsiders being sexually involved - it is a sexual, not emotional involvement, and it usually involves bringing somebody or somebodies into 'our' bed .. for fun and profit (okay .. not profit but you follow right?). We are close, really, really close. He has told me he loves me (even though he doesn't believe in 'love' - yes, more air quotes) and I him .. I mean, he is moving to the other side of the country to be close by (I think .. that is the plan .. but .. well, I'll discuss that later to) which indicates to me that things are serious-ish .. aren't they?

Given that him moving is indeed a huge deal: leaving a decent job, leaving parents behind, coming to the country from the big smoke, changing states etc .. it's important that we talk. 

And, we try. 

Just last night he asked me what my 'expectations' (!!) are of him .. and I stuttered and stumbled and couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. formulate proper words. From memory, I said something along the lines of "I just want to be with you" .. lame I know. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am not great at any relationship (no air quotes) talks .. I struggle with this). Throw in a man who has just escaped what he considers to be a maniacally controlling relationship of which he was all-but tricked into, and who already had a pathological fear of 'relationships' anyhow and .. well .. I am scared to ask for what I want or to define it too heavily in case I scare him off. 

There, I said it. 

I don't know how to tell him that it's primary or nothing - he can fuck others, I can fuck others, WE can fuck others, but at the end of the day, I am just too emotionally invested in this man to have him as someone I just see once a week or less. 

And right this very moment, that terrifies me. I am terrified that if I try to explain what I want, he will feel potentially suffocated and run, but I am also terrified that if I don't explain and put a line in the sand then I will end up with less than I am deep-down willing to accept. It's a conundrum dear viewer .. it's a conundrum indeed. 

Whatever will she do?