It's All Over Now (Baby Blue)

This was a somewhat short-lived blog about my relationship as it appears that said relationship is over .. kaput .. dead in the water. 

It has been 9 days since he and I spoke on the phone and 5 days since he contacted me in any way - our longest ever.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that I called things off on Tuesday - he was bewildered as to his 'crime', and attempted to call/email/sms (which I ignored as I was so angry). After 24 hours, I replied to an email as he sounded terribly upset and depressed to which he responded quite light-heartedly (which annoyed me as I felt he was, yet again, pushing my concerns under the rug) so, I responded that to me, people (men) don't call because they don't WANT to call. And, from this, I can surmise that he has lost interest - which is fine but, he could have told me and saved me a lot of angst that week. I wished him well and told him that it was okay. 

I have not heard from him since - that was ... nearly 5 days ago. 

Fact is, I DID call things off. 

I also meant it 100% at the time. 

I also expected him to chase/fight for me.

I am struggling to understand how he could just let things go like that (while simultaneously understanding that it was me who called them off).

I am really, REALLY struggling to not contact him but I cannot see any way past our issue of distance and, after reading this blog, am left asking what exactly I would be fighting for? Some semblance of what things were like when I was there and we were together and just after I got back home?

Even though he was pretty wonderful while I was there, things weren't perfect, HE is not perfect (nobody is right?). 

Letting go .. that needs to be my focus. 

Funny, when I started this blog I thought it would be a journal of how I got through a LDR, but it has taken a sharp U-turn and looks like it is going to be about my own recovery from what was perhaps an impossible relationship to begin with, I just didn't recognise that it was. 

So ... I got my '7'

Yay me .. right??

I discussed my perfect relationship being a '7' in this post  - basically, I want somebody who is in my corner but, who isn't in my face/house/shit 24/7 .. and I got an offer of this .. in 12 months time. 

I am still circling the idea of this .. if someone is the 'someone' you have been waiting for for a long, long time .. if they turn you on intellectually and physically - then they are worth waiting for right? In this day of email/skype/sms, it's fairly easy to stay in touch and be a part of each other's daily lives ... hell, even sex is do-able with video chat - okay, so you can't blow a computer but, you get my drift. 

I worry that if I tell him that perhaps we should both be single until he is ready to come to me that we will lose the connection that we have established - and it has been hard-won: ending an exisitng relationship, actually meeting in the flesh, building something over distance for 9 months already. I also worry that it is asking too much of anybody to maintain a relationship over distance for 12 months. 

Can he visit? Can I visit?  Well .. yes .. 

But I repeat .. one cannot blow a computer. 

The one where she tries to set it all out succinctly ...

The story so far . . .

In case you have been too lazy to read my previous posts and because I have failed utterly to provide a linear narrative .. I think it will do you and me some good to recap. 

1: Girl meets guy online

2: Girl and guy hit it off and become involved in a virtual, distance thang.

• Problem: Guy is currently in a relationship and living with somebody although he says it is all but 'over' and asks girl to hang in there with him while this happens. 

3: About 6 months in: 'Affair 'has been very hot and heavy, they talk every day, often for hours and things get incredibly frustrating for the girl as she is waiting for him to leave relationship and she really, REALLY wants actual, skin-skin contact .. Skype ain't cutting it at this point. Things are very, VERY sexual and they both realise that this is a connection that one doesn't come across very often. 

4: She flies to him and spends the best part of a month in his city. He calls things off with the live-in GF and takes time off work - they spend quite a large amount of time together. It is more than either of them hoped .. and the sex is fantastic .. I mean, fucking fantastic. I don't know if you have ever had a six month buildup of phone sex and written/typed fantasies and video sex .. but ..hobooy .. it pays off.

• At this stage he is still living with ex GF but, only in a room mate capacity. 

5: When it is time to leave, he promises her that they will meet again - they have discussed him moving to be closer to her as he dislikes the city he is in - the biggest issue is the job - he doesn't want to give it up .. so although he has said he will come to her .. she has no idea when this will happen. 

6: They resume the relationship when she returns home but begin to talk practicalities. He is poly, or, poly-inclined and she .. isn't. 

• They share some fantasies and realise that they are both wanting to at least include another woman in the bedroom at times .. she thinks that this is a good step in giving him some variety while not challenging her emotional responses too far (okay, so she is actually kinda excited about it). 

7: Things get really bad with the ex GF and he moves in with his parents while looking for a new home. She worries that him getting settled somewhere closer to work will mean that he will be even less inclined to leave. 

8: Well ... this is where we are now .. and it ain't pretty .. in fact, it is getting kinda fucked up. 

The Affair Part 2

The Affair Part 2

As I have already mentioned that my guy is poly and was in a relationship when we met, I should clarify that he was not in a relationship with a poly woman - 

In fact, the GF then was/is about as monogamous as you can get - marriage, happy-ever-after etc .. 

Uugghhh .. please!

So, I was indeed 'the other woman' in every sense of the word, even though I was virtual and about 4000 miles away. It was a recipe for disaster as he and I barrelled toward each other with increasing velocity and his relationship with her became plagued with problems and doubts which, while always there, we exacerbated by my presence. 

Did/do I feel badly about this? Absolutely. They were having problems and she was unaware of the reason for these problems - true, these existed before I ever came along but,  as he and I grew closer .. the problems that he had within the relationship changed. Let me explain: before he and I met, he had all but accepted that the relationship he was in, with all of its issue was 'normal' and 'how things are'. His loss of desire and sexual interest in her  he considered to be normal and her controlling ways he also considered to be normal. 

The thing is he did and still does like her enormously as a friend and she, being in love with him, clung to this friendship out of fear of losing 'him' forever. But it wasn't working. 

Possibly besides the point of this post, but I want you to understand that I did not happen upon an otherwise functional relationship and .. well, wreck it. This wasn't the case at all. Many times when he told me that he cared about and for her, I suggested that he take time and really try to work things out with her .. but, it was for all intents and purposes over as a romantic thing. 

In the meantime, our relationship grew and grew .. we talked for hours on Skype almost every day - sometimes writing, sometimes voice and sometimes video .. we also emailed and SMS'd and anything else we could thing of. This man moved into my head and, well, he still lives there to be honest. I think of little else. 

After about six months of being virtual, the time came to meet. It had been some time coming as he didn't know how he would manage to spend time with me because of her. I told him that he needed to figure this out as I was over being virtual and either we stepped up or, what was the point?

I flew to his city for 3.5 weeks. He had pre-planned a meet by telling the GF that he wanted to date other women and that he had 'recently' (yes, he lied) met someone online that he was interested in meeting for lunch and perhaps sleeping with. Thing is, she knew he was/is poly and she also knew that he was uninterested in her sexually but, she had managed to keep a lid on this for most of their 3-year relationship. 

It was by no means an easy chat and she made his life hell for a few weeks - hell. But, he stuck to his guns and insisted that he was going to meet 'this woman'/me irrespective of what she said (he did offer to move out and end the relationship if it was going to be too painful for her and, she also went on a date with another man first, so, this wasn't in any way an ultimatum or anything of that nature). 

The first time we met was not one of the 'dates' he had pre-planned with her. He made another excuse to be away for a couple of hours and, after six months of intensive communication and almost unbearable building lust .. we met. 

And it was utterly and completely amazing. 

It not only translated into real life, it transcended it; and this is when the 'affair' kicked up a notch. 

I think that he was always concerned that I would not come or, would back out at the last minute on a meet, but when I did show up and it was wonderful, well, he spent the weekend at home, we met again on the Monday and it was possibly even better .. and then, all bets were off. 

The more she tried to hold on to him, the more he came to me I guess. We really were like magnets. 

Long story short - he ended the relationship. Well, he tried to .. she refused to accept it and even now - some 5 weeks later, they are still having issues about this. 

Without disclosing too many personal details, lets just say that there are reasons that she and he are still in each others lives (no, not kids) on a day-to-day basis. On top of that - she came up with the brilliant plan that instead of moving out, that he move into the spare room so that they could continue to share living expenses .. (yes, any women reading this will recognise this for what it is .. any men .. well, it might sound perfectly reasonable to you). 

I am now back home and have been for a couple of weeks, they are still 'separated' but, sharing a house/life .. and I am actually okay with this .. really, doesn't bother me at all, I am just sitting back waiting for the inevitable A-bomb.

But .. reality is, I am here, he is there and well, she is still there to .. up next: This sucks beyond belief.

If you think you have relationship problems ..

I am here to make you feel much, much better.. 

Because chances are, after reading about mine you will have the same sense that you do after watching "Jerry Springer" -  utter relief that somebody, somewhere is crazier than you are. 

My current relationship (and I use the term loosely because, amongst other things, my guy is 'uncomfortable' with the term 'relationship' .. yeah .. I know) began ONLINE, is plagued by distance (we are on opposite sides if Australia - not a small thing), he was living with another woman so when we met so, it was also an affair .. and to top it off .. he is polyamorous and I'm well .. not .. at least I don't think so, but that is a whole other post. 

Red Flags Anyone??

Yeah .. I do so love a challenge. 

The Affair

I'll begin with the 'affair' aspect because that is where many people will focus - and I understand that. 

I told my guy from the beginning that I was not interested in becoming involved with a man who was attached .. and I meant it. I will be honest here and admit that this isn't a moral or ethical issue for me, it's a vanity one - I don't like feeling 'second' and I don't like the feeling of someone I am falling in love with sharing his day-to-day life with somebody else. 

He and I tussled with this because he assured me that although he liked his partner/GF very much, he had long lost any romantic/sexual feelings for her. 

Okay - but what exactly does that mean - he was still with her right? Still sharing her life and her bed? 

It was about 2 weeks in to our 'relationship' that I wrote the first of what would be several angst-ridden emails - I recall it well because I couldn't see the point in pursuing something when he was already 'taken' .. to me, it took all of the risk/surprise off the table - all he could offer was an affair and I wanted/needed more; I was ready to dive into something and REALLY find out where it would lead, and the affair meant that I knew EXACTLY where it owuld lead - he would still have someone central in his life and I would be broken-hearted - not my idea of a fun time. 

He responded that things were far from 'fixed or certain' and that he was actually quite unhappy with where he was, but unsure how to get 'unstuck' from where he was. 

This tided me over for a little while and as we were not being physical - well, nobody's squishy bits were getting touched, it was an online thing after all - I 'allowed' myself to continue (I use the "" around allowed because I am aware of just how much of a cop out this was). Fact is I had been single for seven years. And not just relationship single, single in every sense of the word. Single. No Sex. NO Romance. Nada. Zero. Zilch. So, yes, I guess I was both emotionally thirsty but also - I was so stunned to find somebody who I was attracted to - it had been so very long since this happened and I selfishly wanted to hang onto that - whatever self-justification was required. 

Okay .. it was lust .. so sue me

And so it began, and grew and got completely out-of-control in the good and the not-so-good way ...