Typical . . . .

Not long after I posted he called. 

Typical. 

It's usually when I have gotten really angry/upset that this happens - boy has a radar I swear. He claims (!!) that he has had a hellish weekend and spent most of it angry. I don't doubt that as he still isn't moved into new digs. But, what I do doubt is that he didn't have the time to touch base. 

Especially when he has informed me that he has a found 'us' a woman who wants to be dominated sexually - someone who seems to be right up our libidinous alleyway actually. So, the doubter/cynic in me thinks, he has spent a bit of time over the weekend touching base with her and not me. 

Don't get me wrong, I am all for this .. I am looking forward to sharing a willing female - I really am, especially as this is something that he really wants - and I want him to be happy and to soar. The issue/s I have revolve around him and her spending private, getting-to-know-you time; virtual or otherwise. 

And, it's not just a time thing (the fact he didn't contact), we got into a rather hot 'n' heavy phone/skype sex session and well .. he was aroused - very much so - but, he was having problems pulling the trigger. And this sent off an alert, in fact it sent off all of my lerts. 

Weirdly, I honestly don't think it's possible for him to replace me .. no more than I could replace him; we are far from done with each other for one thing, I know that our story has a while to go but more than that - we really are each others mirror in many ways. 

We are both extremely perverted but - most people in the right setting - but O and I are perverted in the same way. However, what we really, truly share is a lack of a solid moral compass .. mine is dubious at best because I all-but raised myself mainly through books and television as my older brothers and sister were long gone by the time I was 7/8 and my mother always worked 3 or more jobs and so was simply never home to guide or shape me or really parent me in any fashion. Don't get me wrong here, I loved it. We always had a nice house, it was always spotlessly clean (my mother never stopped cleaning) and there were always pre-cooked meals ready to go - but - I was left to my own devices and many of the values, ethics and morals that one learns from family were simply not part of my life. 

This doesn't mean that I don't have any, it simply means that those I do have are the ones I have specifically chosen, they aren't part of my background or intuit learning. 

Somehow, someway, O is the same. 

He doesn't share my background story, he had a mother and a father and from what I can gather, they were present most of the time but O, like me, has a very disturbed moral outlook. 

I'm not a devil, I don't believe it's okay to murder people and I am not racist, sexist or homophobic. But .. I lack .. I lack a lot and my thoughts are often off-the-grid. For me, this pertains to my entire life - my work ethic is selfish at best, I cannot fathom capitalism, the nuclear family makes me want to vomit (I honestly get queasy at the sight of a white picket fence). I have no issues or problems with the unemployed or single mothers or anything like that. If anything, I think I am a hedonist. I think I should have lived in the time of Henry James and been one of his lovers. I know I should have been born wealthy because I have no real desire to spend my days selling my labour for an hourly rate. So, in that way, I'm also a Marxist. 

This doesn't mean that I don't work - I usually do. Right now, I'm not. I have not been working for over a year and I need to get back to it because, well, one needs money .. but work doesn't provide purpose, non whatsoever. 

With O, his corruptness comes through his sexuality, in most other areas while he is a liberal-minded guy, he is far more conservative than me. For him work does give purpose and life should be a series of steps that ensure ones safety from birth to the end. 

But, I digress, radically and substantially. 

Fact is .. at our age, most folks have succumbed to kids, mortgages, careers and the day-day minutiae that is middle-age-edness ... O says I am childlike .. which is a tad too close to childish for my liking, but, he is right. I am childlike. I run, I jump off cliffs and I fall .. I fall very very hard sometimes. But, no matter what else, I desire. And like a child, I must possess the object of my desire no matter the cost. 

O is that object, and although I do ponder the cost, it appears that I am willing to pay it at this point. 

But I really, REALLY like you.

Today has been a good day. 

It's been a hell of a good day.

I'm in love. 

I have no doubts whatsoever on this - and I apologise to anybody reading who is NOT currently in love because, I remember how puke-inducing it is to read about love when you aren't in love .. but .. there ya go .. puke away. 

I split up with my guy a few days ago - I called things off.

Mainly because I am not and do not deal with distance .. I LOATHE it. But, there was also the matter that he had updated his POF.com profile and it was .. well, it was pretty specific; he's still looking. IN fact, he has described me 2.0 in what he is looking for .. all the good bits but with the flaws removed. 

I wrote and told him that he should maybe take this time and just be single .. just do it right? Go for it. 

Well, my stand lasted about 12 hours until we talked, and by the next morning we were both feeling a bit broken and shattered .. by that afternoon (after I got friendly with a bottle of vodka and emailed him).. it was pretty much all back on again. Yes, I have lost all credibility but hey .. I got some damn fine cybersex. 

He has been wonderfully attentive these past few weeks since he moved away from the ex GF. He calls all the time and texts regularly and we are pretty much in the habit of sharing our day-day stuff. He is warm and loving and sweet and caring (I know.. gag right?) .. BUT .. he claims he cannot feel love. 

I have done a bit of Googling on this and there seems to be quite a number of people out there who claim they cannot or do not 'feel' love. This was all actually news to me; I thought it was just psychopaths who didn't love .. I thought wrong apparently. 

The strangest thing is that, it FEELS like love when I am with him. It really does. I have been in love before and I have been loved before and this FEELS like love. So, it's very confusing. Some of my GF's say that he does love, he just doesn't admit it to himself, or, he is capable of it, he had just been hurt and protecting himself .. you know what I am saying .. all those reasons excuses that would jump to mind (and are possibly jumping to mind for you right now as you read this) to explain how it is possible for somebody not to feel love. It seems impossible, unthinkable and it is rather terrifying to be in love with someone who says he cannot love - if you can imagine it. 

I got quietly and utterly drunk on the evening after the initial day that I suggested we go our separate ways for a bit .. I am talking a whole bottle of Stolis in two hours kinda drunk .. so, by the time our 'reconciliation' was happening, we fell into some pretty steamy phone chat and I think, I repeat THINK that I told him at least 3 times that I loved him .. I think I even apologised for it. **Sigh** .. yeah .. me and credibility aren't happy bedfellows this week. 

But, the funny thing is since I sold my soul (actually 'sold' is giving me too much credit, I just gave it up no charge, no questions) he has been incredibly sweet .. more so than usual .. and he keeps telling me just how MUCH he likes and adores me .. he SMS's constantly, he calls all the time, he is constantly lustful and complimentary. So, the weird thing is, that MY love maybe gives him some security? I'm not sure .. given that this is a man who is also allergic to the word 'relationship' (have I blogged about that yet? .. I must have .. surely ..)

He has told me that he loves me .. more than once actually .. and there is definitely a conversation in there but one that needs to be had over a bottle of something 40 proof methinks. In the meantime .. he likes me, he really, REALLY likes me .. and, for the moment, I guess I can live with that?

So ... I got my '7'

Yay me .. right??

I discussed my perfect relationship being a '7' in this post  - basically, I want somebody who is in my corner but, who isn't in my face/house/shit 24/7 .. and I got an offer of this .. in 12 months time. 

I am still circling the idea of this .. if someone is the 'someone' you have been waiting for for a long, long time .. if they turn you on intellectually and physically - then they are worth waiting for right? In this day of email/skype/sms, it's fairly easy to stay in touch and be a part of each other's daily lives ... hell, even sex is do-able with video chat - okay, so you can't blow a computer but, you get my drift. 

I worry that if I tell him that perhaps we should both be single until he is ready to come to me that we will lose the connection that we have established - and it has been hard-won: ending an exisitng relationship, actually meeting in the flesh, building something over distance for 9 months already. I also worry that it is asking too much of anybody to maintain a relationship over distance for 12 months. 

Can he visit? Can I visit?  Well .. yes .. 

But I repeat .. one cannot blow a computer. 

The Net Connection Part 2 (Or, how I learned to stop worrying and get laid online)

This is way harder than I expected .. 

Bringing this blog up-to-date on things I mean, not, you know getting laid online because that .. well, let's face it, with Skype around, that part is kinda easy .. and fun. 

But, he did have to work for it. 

Having been single for quite a long, long LONG time (yes, I am talking years here), and having a rather problematic relationship with cameras and re-presentation (subject for a whole different and far more academic blog - so let's leave that for now) .. it took weeks before I would even show my face ..but of course, I eventually did .. and then I showed a whole lot more. 

I loved our cyber sessions .. I don't care what anyone says .. cybersex is fun ... and it can be damn personal if you are building a personal relationship with somebody. 

Which brings me to the first issue in this journey of getting to know a man who is poly by nature - he isn't comfortable with the word 'relationship'. 

Hhmmmmm .... 

Okay ... as a communications scholar, I can completely buy the premise that some words/terms mean different things to different people .. and I can be happy with that. 

As a woman .. I am thinking WTF???

And .. aren't you IN a relationship? Soooo .. WTF??

So, we are about 5-6 weeks in, things are hot and heavy (if not, as yet wet and wild .. Skype can only take one so far right?) ... and he has started to make these 'comments' and I have no idea how to process or make sense of any of it. 

On the one hand, he seems completely into me; we talk, for hours, every single day (well, almost every day), we email, we share intimate stuff, we joke, we tell each other how wonderful we think the other is .. it's all warm and really, really fuzzy .. so, again .. WTF?

You KNOW when someone is into you right? I mean, you just 'know' and I was pretty damn sure that he was into me .. in fact, he told me how wonderful I was all the time .. So, I decided to let the academic in me win the struggle and accept that it was simply an issue with te 'word' relationship rather than an issue with .. well, relationships themselves. 

Crisis avoided .. in the short term. 

Needless to say, this didn't last long .. the struggle for meaning grew the more we repressed and ignored it .. he claimed that he was into 'friendships' and that being a friend was more important than having a relationship .. and I, well, I admit, I struggled with this .. A lot.

Since meeting him, I have joined a relationship forum - run by women, for women, it is a place where women go to give each other advice about the men in their lives or, to vent about said men. I vented. A lot. 

The lovely ladies there have a saying to watch what a man does, not what he says. And this is great advice for the most part - but I managed to twist this logic so that while I was being told "I don't believe in relationships" (what he said), what I was taking on board was "I am really into you and you may just be the woman that changes me" (What he did .. or rather, how I interpreted what he did). Yeah .. I know .. kinda effed up huh??