Again I ask . .

Is it just me?

Am I being unreasonable?

Right now, as I type this, I am online with O. 

He is online with me also (obviously) as well as a German woman who he has apparently been talking to/with (I am unsure if this is somebody he has previously told me about or not) - and, definitely in a sexual way. 

I have no idea how I feel about this. We were sending dirty messages to each other when he interrupted to advise me that the German woman was being finicky about getting a full STI screen. 

Now .. my kneejerk reaction, (or is that my gut reaction? I am having problems differentiating between the two these days) was to be pissed off that he was talking to someone else at the same time that he was talking some sexy smack with me. My second reaction was just to be pissed in general that he was talking to her - with erotic intent - at all. 

He says that although she is 'handsome' (his word), she is rather vanilla and really, is only for he and I to play with and (I think) he has told her about me - at least he mentioned that she was wanting/willing for a F/F/M encounter. 

I am not sure I believe him about the only looking for me and him part. 

I am not convinced that he isn't completely ready to meet with the first woman who is willing to meet him. 

I have no idea how I feel about this - he has me all turned around so that I don't know the difference between unreasonable and being perfectly sane/reasonable anymore - this isn't good right?

Two nights ago he said not to worry about his prowling on POF as he wasn't actually 'looking for pussy' (he isn't normally so crude as to use 'pussy' - a word I despise) .. that he was only there for fun and entertainment - to see just how far/much the women there were willing to lie about themselves. He also said not to worry about losing him as he wasn't going anywhere. 

Again, I remain unconvinced. 

To add salt to injury, he asked me to contact her as his 'friend and/or lover' ..

I am not an expert on polyamorous relationships .. but I have done some research, and I did join a forum where I could ask questions - I also befriended a married (poly) male who answers all of my questions in great detail. 

The one thing that everyone seems to think is that you don't just introduce a new or potential sex partner as a fait accompli .. it just isn't done. And, being in sexual communication with another woman and THEN telling me afterwards .. well, that comes under that umbrella in my book. 

So, yet again, I am confused .. are we a partnership that is negotiating how and when we will have other lovers or, am I just one of a potential brood of women?

What do you do when you gut tells you one thing but your mind tells you another?

Stay tuned .. I have a feeling things are going to get interesting. 

The next great thing . .

I have been wondering . . .

Actually, I have been up all night wondering. 

I am pondering whether or not I can accept that O has an active POF profile and is actively seeking other women online. He says it is for 'us'; to find a woman that we can share together but I'm afraid I am sceptical of this - I don't doubts that this is a motive, it's just that I am not convinced it's the only motive. 

Anyone reading this will be shaking their head about now - I know I would be. But facts are not always black and white and while I am really uncertain of this behaviour, I do know what I feel when I am with O and I do know how well he treats me and how attentive he (usually) is - this isn't simply a case of a guy cheating online or trying to cheat online. At least, I don't think so.

I cannot help but compare O to Mr sociopath - the guy who moved across the country to be with me only to spend the majority of his time here having cybersex with as many women as he could convince to join him. I have lived through this once and it was awful. However .. it was awful because Mr sociopath lied to me about it - that was actually my biggest issue with him - the lies and gaslighting. O isn't lying, or at least he isn't lying outright. 

My BIGGEST problem with O's online antics is his profile. It doesn't read like someone who is passing time online - it reads like he really is looking for someone - and that someone reads like me: 2.0. Someone who has many of my characteristics and personality traits but who isn't going to ask anything of him commitment-wise. 

I shut down my communications last night; phone is off, skype is off because I simply don't know what to think, let alone feel. I don't know if I am being played here or, if I am overreacting. And try as I might, I just cannot seem to figure this out. I am stumped. 

Part of me wonders if it is just that some men cannot help but be drawn to the idea of 'the next great girl'. To some dream that cannot come to pass because she is impossible. This girl/woman in their mind prevents them from ever being truly happy with who they are with and keeps them seeking/searching. Maybe, some men are simply like this? (Maybe some women are to, I don't have any experience in relationships with women so I can't comment). Maybe, there is an increase in this type of thinking/behaviour since the internet became flooded with dating sites or, to be precise, flooded with women - available and otherwise (what am I saying 'maybe', of COURSE the increase is directly related to dating/sex sites ..pppfftttt). 

Today, this all seems like far, FAR too much work. Surely it isn't meant to be this hard? Am I kinda doomed to be attracted to men who just can't quite commit? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I both attract and am attracted to men like this? 

Dear Yoda .. do I have Daddy issues?

Mind-fucking

Shakespeare Sir Walter Scott said it best  .. 

(I really wanted to use Shakespeare but, what can ya do?)

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive"

I'm in a web of my own making right now, it's absolutely nobody's fault but my own. That doesn't make it any easier or, make it hurt less or even give me an escape hatch. Because, webs are sticky things and the problem is that even if we create them to ensnare our object of desire, there is a strong chance that other stuff is going to get .. well, ensnared as well, like ourselves .. for example. 

You probably have no idea what I am talking about and really, why would you? I was trying to be all literary and profound but really, I'm just sitting here licking my self-inflicted wounds - nowhere near as pretty an analogy, and certainly not profound. 

You see I'm not just stuck in a web of my own making, I'm mind-fucking myself - and not in, you know, the good way. No, it's in the 'what-the-hell-have-you-done-you-self-destructive-bitch' kinda way. 

The only good thing I can think to come from this is that I can serve as a cautionary tale for any other travellers on the LDR road .. I think much of this blog is a cautionary tale really so, why stop now? Why not just lay my cards on the table (or is that let them scatter all over the floor?) because someone, somewhere might just learn a thing or two about what not to do. 

So, if you are in a LDR, take heed, because I have a few words of wisdom:

1. Don't be too available for your lover - if you and he have a set time to talk and it's been more than a few months, great .. allow yourself to become part of his day-to-day, routine life, BUT (and I cannot stress this enough), if he deviates or fails to respect your routine and/or starts taking you for granted, even just a little bit, then be a bit more elusive, don't ever let him feel that he has you, no matter what. 
2. Insist on honesty - let him know that you won't have a stupid tanty or put him over the proverbial grill if he is honest with you BUT, at the same time, don't just 'accept' any behaviour/attitude because it comes under the umbrella of telling the truth. There is a vast difference between being an emotional nightmare to deal with (and so to be avoided) and a doormat. Know the difference, understand it, put it into practice. 
3. Don't drive yourself crazy wondering who or what he is up to and who or what with. He's a man so, chances are he did at least something today that you wouldn't be completely happy about. That's okay; it's almost to be expected - guys like to look and to fantasize about touching - if he is yours, that's as far as it will go and you don't ever have to know about it, if he isn't, well, you will learn that soon enough - no point derailing yourself in the meantime. 
4. Being at a distance gives you one, very important asset: you can be 'the perfect woman'. You aren't 'there' all the time, you can retain a bit of mystery and aloofness, you can get him to desire you like crazy because he cannot have you. This is no small thing - use it, let him miss you occasionally. (Conversely, this is also your biggest weakness, and works only for a limited time, the longer you are apart, the less power this wields).

There are no doubt more and I will add them as I think of them. It's probably, actually a very long list and everything on here was learnt either through this LD'R' or, in one of the previous ones. You see, I have found that certain principles hold true no matter who the guy and what the circumstances. The central and most disturbing of these .. let's call them truisms is this: most guys in most LDR's will cheat, most of the time. 

It may be that you trust your lover 100%, and I'm not going to dispute that - you know him better than I do. However my own personal experience bears this out 100%, three LDR's that all ended with cheating, that's 3:3, not excellent odds and really, a rather solid foundation for my angst. 

These men were/are not all assholes either. My first LDR was with a lovely, gentle man who I know for a fact loved me dearly. That relationship was over a decade ago and he and I are back in touch now as friends and I have asked him about what happened back then and he has told me; it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that I simply wasn't 'there', and she was. He couldn't see any way he and I could be together in (what was then) the near future and so, he opted out. 

Cheater number two WAS a lying, cheating scumbag. It wouldn't have mattered whether it was a LDR or not, he was going to cheat, a lot, with anyone he could cheat with. Ironically, he actually moved across the country to be with me - he made the journey - only to spend his days trawling the internet for women (plural, BIG plural). The worst aspect of this relationship was that while we were still in a distance thing, he once told me that he needed a 'weekend off' (no comms) because he was feeling overwhelmed with his feelings for me and the decision of whether or not to move and being the trusting, drama-free girl that I always strive to be, I was more than happy to give him this time. It wasn't until months later that I found out he was spending that weekend with one of his internet women. 

Before you ask yourself why on earth I allowed myself to become involved in yet another distance thing with yet another man I met online, let me explain that between numbers 1/2 and number 3, there has been about 11 years. I had no intention whatsoever of ever, EVER doing this again. 

But of course I did/have - which brings us to number 3 - my current guy. 

As you can imagine, my radar is somewhat skewed by my previous experiences. I have only ever been cheated on in distance relationships, it has never happened to me with men I met who lived close-by. Number 2 was a womaniser and I am not sure that it is fair to lump him in with number 1 in that sense as number 1 was circumstantial but, facts are facts. 

Number 3. Mr current. O. He isn't exactly 'cheating' as we aren't exactly in a 'relationship' and besides, he is telling me about the women he is talking to online - so, that's okay right (remember what I said about honesty?). Well, actually, it isn't. It isn't even a little bit okay. I'm not okay with it - not by a long, long shot. 

The worst part is that I don't feel that I have the right to be upset - like I am the one with the problem because, if we aren't 'really' in a relationship and if he is telling me about the women he is talking to then, it's not cheating right? In fact, isn't that just poly in practise? Well, no, I don't think it is. Because we never agreed it was okay to have sexual contact with other people 'as such' (we have never talked about ground rules or even if 'we' are in the postion to need ground rules). There all kinds of assumptions built in with his behaviour and actions about what is okay and what isn't okay - all his. IN many ways, I can't blame him as he has been kinda-sorta upfront and kinda-sorta honest - but, somehow, it feels like there is deception disguised as honesty at work here. Fact is, I feel devalued as a woman, as a person and certainly as a lover. 

I don't know how we can overcome distance, my background with LDR which is directly feeding my insecurities and his polyamorous nature - it is indeed a tangled, tangled web. 

If I ever get there . . .

The good news is that my angst has calmed down

The bad news is that is has been upgraded to paranoia. 

After a short spell of not contacting (it was only one night and he had been in contact that morning), things got back to normal. He calls or texts most mornings and he skypes every night .. I swing between thinking it's a good thing to get used to each other being a daily part of the day and wondering if he will just get bored/used to me or we will get bored/used to each other - and, I have no idea what the answer to that is, I guess only time will tell. 

He is currently moving his stuff out of the ex GF's house - he has spent the last 3 days there and, from what he has said it has all been quite civilised. Until today. 

According to him (and he has no reason to lie or embellish) she came home today and laid into him in a big way; he is evil, he lied to her, he deserves to rot in hell. And, I get that, I really do - there is nothing more frustrating than loving somebody who doesn't love you back or worse, breaks up with you. It sucks. 

One of the things that she is focused upon was the fact that it's not just a matter of NOT loving her, he CANNOT love her .. because he doesn't love. 

Of course, this problem now spills over to me. I have to consider and think about being in love with a man who cannot love me back - and this is a concern. He can care and like and lust and be warm and giving - in fact he is all of those things with me. But, he says he cannot love. Of course, one asks oneself if it is just a matter of not having found the right person/woman yet .. that perhaps one day he will meet someone so wonderful, so 'right', that he will be swept away with love. It's hard not to wonder that. 

But, this isn't the reason for my current paranoia. 
That began in a skype conversation about an hour ago: 

HIM: "She was yelling at me that I really do love her and why I am being so cruel, pretending that I don't."

"And I began to wonder about how this plays out with you and me"

ME: "Meaning?"

HIM: "Well, if I ever get to your location, will you be hurt and upset that I cannot love"

Did you catch the bit that sent me off the rails? "IF I EVER GET TO YOUR LOCATION"

Is he questioning that? Was it a badly worded turn of phrase? Am I being led on 'in case' he decides to come here (am I in the oven being kept warm?) ... 

He has always HATED the city where he lives, with a passion. Part of the reason he was coming here was because he wanted to get out of there. 

But, he is moving into new digs this weekend and he has found a share house that is occupied with 5 other guys - younger guys with whom he seems to fit in with quite well. This, to me, suggests that perhaps his city will be a better place to reside in - having pleasant and interesting room mates, being 2 hours (yes, 2 hours) closer to work and having the freedom to do what he wants after being in a highly controlling relationship for the last 3 years - well, it doesn't bode well for me I don't think. 

I really do want him to be happy and to fly. I love him, and I want that for him. Problem is, if he is happy and flying there .. why would he want to move? 

Things go pear-shaped ..

I mentioned that he's poly right?

Well, we have never really talked about what this means for 'us'. In fact, as I have already written, we have problems talking about 'us'/ Much of this is due to my .. I LOATHE having relationship 'talks' .. I find it incredibly difficult. 

So, while we have discussed and fantasised about having another woman in the bedroom - and agreed that this is something that we both want .. we haven't discussed dating or fucking outside the relationship, or what the relationship is (and therefore can we really be dating/fucking outside of it if it doesn't exist? ..aarrgghghghg). 

He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was 'in contact' with a woman who was looking for a couple. At the time, I got a bit thrown because it seemed to indicate that he was looking to stay in his city - not getting ready to come here, like I thought. The fact that he was in contact with a woman, well, it bothered me a little but, I trust him and, she was looking for a couple so .. all good right?

Uh-huh .. I am an idiot... go ahead .. say it. 

This past Sunday, we had been video chatting for a few hours when he told me that this woman had disappeared and was no longer answering his emails. Apparently, they had been exchanging erotic writing and at some point phone numbers as she called him asking for phone sex. Uhmm.. wtf???

Somehow, while he was calmly telling me all of this, I managed to keep it together and not have a knee-jerk reaction. After about 10 minutes I logged off and thought about what had just happened. For, if this woman was looking for a couple - wth was she doing only conversing with the male? And, how did he present him and I if she was comfortable calling him and asking for phone sex? Obviously she didn't think it was a problem  .. and clearly .. she wasn't only looking for a couple and .. uhhm .. clearly... he either had no idea what my boundaries are or that this was all incredibly disrespectful. The thing is, he told me all of this quite matter-of-factly .. his point was only 'isn't it weird that she disappeared?' ..  he clearly did not see it as a potential issue. 

So, between the distance, the ambiguous 'nature' of our relationship and now this rather serious breach of trust (in my opinion) .. I was at saturation point. 

To me, there was just too much to deal with - and trying to have a LDR where there are trust issues? Not my idea of a good time. 

So, I wrote an email (I always write an email) outlining my problems with the distance, the undefined nature of him and me and the fact that my trust was now dented .. and that I was having problems seeing a way through all of that. 

Initially, he tried to contact but seemed to be ignoring the email - but we touched base earlier tonight when he finally asked if we could discuss what I had written. 

First of all we 'defined' the relationship - well, he did, I got all tongue-tied like I always do and he took the lead so that I could just dis/agree as the case may be. So, we are on the same page there .. finally .. and I feel some sense of security about that. 

Next .. the distance .. and here is the kicker. He says he needs to stay where he is for another 12 months due to work. When I explained that it is incredibly hard for me to have him across the country he said it is incredibly hard for him to and he misses me all the time .. and here is where I simply don't get it. 

I'm a jumper. 

If I want something/see an opportunity I jump .. feet first, off the cliff and hope against hope that there aren't any rocks below .. Now I get that not everybody is like me, I really do .. and I can see the benefit/s of acting like a responsible adult at times .. but, there is responsibility and there is just plain fear and BS. 

And this, seems like fear and BS to me no matter how it is spun. I don't think he is BS-ing to me, I think he is BS-ing to himself because it is a big move and he needs time to process. 

So, he has asked me to wait for 12 months  ..to be effectively on lay-by (or lay-away for those of you in the USA) .. he has promised to visit .. but, that is where it stands. 

I haven't said okay. I am far from saying okay. The past 9 months have driven me batshit crazy as it is .. I am seriously unsure if I can do it for another 12, visits or no visits. 

And, on top of that, comes the poly issue .. we haven't discussed what happened with the woman - he apologised for upsetting me .. and asked if I wanted to be the one to choose or okay potential others - to which I said no. I don't want that. If he is attracted to somebody then we will look at what that means when it happens but I don't want to control that. 

BUT.

I absolutely cannot see myself being okay with him dating/fucking others while we are in a distance thing .. I am going to struggle a little as it is and I will need him nearby to help me with what I am sure will be a bit of a challenge .. but for someone else to get skin-skin contact while I only get him on a computer? .. Yeah, I don't think so. 

So, there needs to be more talk .. at which I suck. And I need to make a decision - at which I suck. And, I need to define my boundaries and figure out if and how this can work for me. 

I'm really not sure, but will let you now what I decide.

The one where she tries to set it all out succinctly ...

The story so far . . .

In case you have been too lazy to read my previous posts and because I have failed utterly to provide a linear narrative .. I think it will do you and me some good to recap. 

1: Girl meets guy online

2: Girl and guy hit it off and become involved in a virtual, distance thang.

• Problem: Guy is currently in a relationship and living with somebody although he says it is all but 'over' and asks girl to hang in there with him while this happens. 

3: About 6 months in: 'Affair 'has been very hot and heavy, they talk every day, often for hours and things get incredibly frustrating for the girl as she is waiting for him to leave relationship and she really, REALLY wants actual, skin-skin contact .. Skype ain't cutting it at this point. Things are very, VERY sexual and they both realise that this is a connection that one doesn't come across very often. 

4: She flies to him and spends the best part of a month in his city. He calls things off with the live-in GF and takes time off work - they spend quite a large amount of time together. It is more than either of them hoped .. and the sex is fantastic .. I mean, fucking fantastic. I don't know if you have ever had a six month buildup of phone sex and written/typed fantasies and video sex .. but ..hobooy .. it pays off.

• At this stage he is still living with ex GF but, only in a room mate capacity. 

5: When it is time to leave, he promises her that they will meet again - they have discussed him moving to be closer to her as he dislikes the city he is in - the biggest issue is the job - he doesn't want to give it up .. so although he has said he will come to her .. she has no idea when this will happen. 

6: They resume the relationship when she returns home but begin to talk practicalities. He is poly, or, poly-inclined and she .. isn't. 

• They share some fantasies and realise that they are both wanting to at least include another woman in the bedroom at times .. she thinks that this is a good step in giving him some variety while not challenging her emotional responses too far (okay, so she is actually kinda excited about it). 

7: Things get really bad with the ex GF and he moves in with his parents while looking for a new home. She worries that him getting settled somewhere closer to work will mean that he will be even less inclined to leave. 

8: Well ... this is where we are now .. and it ain't pretty .. in fact, it is getting kinda fucked up. 

The Net Connection Part 2 (Or, how I learned to stop worrying and get laid online)

This is way harder than I expected .. 

Bringing this blog up-to-date on things I mean, not, you know getting laid online because that .. well, let's face it, with Skype around, that part is kinda easy .. and fun. 

But, he did have to work for it. 

Having been single for quite a long, long LONG time (yes, I am talking years here), and having a rather problematic relationship with cameras and re-presentation (subject for a whole different and far more academic blog - so let's leave that for now) .. it took weeks before I would even show my face ..but of course, I eventually did .. and then I showed a whole lot more. 

I loved our cyber sessions .. I don't care what anyone says .. cybersex is fun ... and it can be damn personal if you are building a personal relationship with somebody. 

Which brings me to the first issue in this journey of getting to know a man who is poly by nature - he isn't comfortable with the word 'relationship'. 

Hhmmmmm .... 

Okay ... as a communications scholar, I can completely buy the premise that some words/terms mean different things to different people .. and I can be happy with that. 

As a woman .. I am thinking WTF???

And .. aren't you IN a relationship? Soooo .. WTF??

So, we are about 5-6 weeks in, things are hot and heavy (if not, as yet wet and wild .. Skype can only take one so far right?) ... and he has started to make these 'comments' and I have no idea how to process or make sense of any of it. 

On the one hand, he seems completely into me; we talk, for hours, every single day (well, almost every day), we email, we share intimate stuff, we joke, we tell each other how wonderful we think the other is .. it's all warm and really, really fuzzy .. so, again .. WTF?

You KNOW when someone is into you right? I mean, you just 'know' and I was pretty damn sure that he was into me .. in fact, he told me how wonderful I was all the time .. So, I decided to let the academic in me win the struggle and accept that it was simply an issue with te 'word' relationship rather than an issue with .. well, relationships themselves. 

Crisis avoided .. in the short term. 

Needless to say, this didn't last long .. the struggle for meaning grew the more we repressed and ignored it .. he claimed that he was into 'friendships' and that being a friend was more important than having a relationship .. and I, well, I admit, I struggled with this .. A lot.

Since meeting him, I have joined a relationship forum - run by women, for women, it is a place where women go to give each other advice about the men in their lives or, to vent about said men. I vented. A lot. 

The lovely ladies there have a saying to watch what a man does, not what he says. And this is great advice for the most part - but I managed to twist this logic so that while I was being told "I don't believe in relationships" (what he said), what I was taking on board was "I am really into you and you may just be the woman that changes me" (What he did .. or rather, how I interpreted what he did). Yeah .. I know .. kinda effed up huh??

The Internet Connection

So .. as I stated, he and I met online. 

For him, this was nothing new as he has been actively 'meeting' women online for about 10 years. For me however, it had been 10 years since I chatted or talked to anybody online - and yet, we were both coming from and in the same space at that moment.

For him, even though he had been online for years and had 'met' many people - some which moved to online or 'real life' (if you buy the term), none of these had really been successful. 

For me, I have met two med-term relationships online after only being involved with 2 men online - so, 2:2. However, both of these relationships went down the toilet rather spectacularly and both were initially distance and after number 2, I just didn't have it in me to do it all over again so, for the past 10/11 years, I have avoided 'meeting' people online. 

Cue November last year, a Friday night:

I was bored, I had taken a vacation from work and was a few months in. I was also a bit keen for human company - something which had not happened to me in many, many years. So, I Googled, clicked on the second link and signed onto a dating site (I was looking for a chatroom but it seemed that these are now primarily attached to dating sites - things have changed in 10 years). 

I spent the first 24 hours in the chatroom, rather bored but enjoying the company nevertheless and also fending off messages from men who have either been online way too long or, have no idea how to speak to women in any medium - or possibly both. 

24 hours in I had been online on and off for the whole night/day and was all-but-ready to call it quits when I went back into the chatroom .. and there he was. 




Yes, his name jumped out at me .. but it was the way he spoke that made me look at his profile and that together with his picture - I'm not talking about him being good-looking here .. I am talking about seeing a face/clothes/expression that just 'speaks' to you - well, I got butterflies, possibly for the first time in 10 years. 

We spoke only briefly and he had to go .. but I was excited - and decided to hang in there with this website. That was on the Saturday. 

It was on the following Tuesday that he reappeared and within moments he had sent me a private message (I gave him hints in the room :) ) .. and it started there and has never stopped. We talked (well, he talked more, I was all finger-tied and couldn't relax - it was crazy!), and made arrangements to meet the following day .. and the next .. and the next .. and we have barely missed a day since (well, he 'vanished' once or twice for a few days but that came much, much later).