It's All Over Now (Baby Blue)

This was a somewhat short-lived blog about my relationship as it appears that said relationship is over .. kaput .. dead in the water. 

It has been 9 days since he and I spoke on the phone and 5 days since he contacted me in any way - our longest ever.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that I called things off on Tuesday - he was bewildered as to his 'crime', and attempted to call/email/sms (which I ignored as I was so angry). After 24 hours, I replied to an email as he sounded terribly upset and depressed to which he responded quite light-heartedly (which annoyed me as I felt he was, yet again, pushing my concerns under the rug) so, I responded that to me, people (men) don't call because they don't WANT to call. And, from this, I can surmise that he has lost interest - which is fine but, he could have told me and saved me a lot of angst that week. I wished him well and told him that it was okay. 

I have not heard from him since - that was ... nearly 5 days ago. 

Fact is, I DID call things off. 

I also meant it 100% at the time. 

I also expected him to chase/fight for me.

I am struggling to understand how he could just let things go like that (while simultaneously understanding that it was me who called them off).

I am really, REALLY struggling to not contact him but I cannot see any way past our issue of distance and, after reading this blog, am left asking what exactly I would be fighting for? Some semblance of what things were like when I was there and we were together and just after I got back home?

Even though he was pretty wonderful while I was there, things weren't perfect, HE is not perfect (nobody is right?). 

Letting go .. that needs to be my focus. 

Funny, when I started this blog I thought it would be a journal of how I got through a LDR, but it has taken a sharp U-turn and looks like it is going to be about my own recovery from what was perhaps an impossible relationship to begin with, I just didn't recognise that it was. 

Again I ask . .

Is it just me?

Am I being unreasonable?

Right now, as I type this, I am online with O. 

He is online with me also (obviously) as well as a German woman who he has apparently been talking to/with (I am unsure if this is somebody he has previously told me about or not) - and, definitely in a sexual way. 

I have no idea how I feel about this. We were sending dirty messages to each other when he interrupted to advise me that the German woman was being finicky about getting a full STI screen. 

Now .. my kneejerk reaction, (or is that my gut reaction? I am having problems differentiating between the two these days) was to be pissed off that he was talking to someone else at the same time that he was talking some sexy smack with me. My second reaction was just to be pissed in general that he was talking to her - with erotic intent - at all. 

He says that although she is 'handsome' (his word), she is rather vanilla and really, is only for he and I to play with and (I think) he has told her about me - at least he mentioned that she was wanting/willing for a F/F/M encounter. 

I am not sure I believe him about the only looking for me and him part. 

I am not convinced that he isn't completely ready to meet with the first woman who is willing to meet him. 

I have no idea how I feel about this - he has me all turned around so that I don't know the difference between unreasonable and being perfectly sane/reasonable anymore - this isn't good right?

Two nights ago he said not to worry about his prowling on POF as he wasn't actually 'looking for pussy' (he isn't normally so crude as to use 'pussy' - a word I despise) .. that he was only there for fun and entertainment - to see just how far/much the women there were willing to lie about themselves. He also said not to worry about losing him as he wasn't going anywhere. 

Again, I remain unconvinced. 

To add salt to injury, he asked me to contact her as his 'friend and/or lover' ..

I am not an expert on polyamorous relationships .. but I have done some research, and I did join a forum where I could ask questions - I also befriended a married (poly) male who answers all of my questions in great detail. 

The one thing that everyone seems to think is that you don't just introduce a new or potential sex partner as a fait accompli .. it just isn't done. And, being in sexual communication with another woman and THEN telling me afterwards .. well, that comes under that umbrella in my book. 

So, yet again, I am confused .. are we a partnership that is negotiating how and when we will have other lovers or, am I just one of a potential brood of women?

What do you do when you gut tells you one thing but your mind tells you another?

Stay tuned .. I have a feeling things are going to get interesting. 

The next great thing . .

I have been wondering . . .

Actually, I have been up all night wondering. 

I am pondering whether or not I can accept that O has an active POF profile and is actively seeking other women online. He says it is for 'us'; to find a woman that we can share together but I'm afraid I am sceptical of this - I don't doubts that this is a motive, it's just that I am not convinced it's the only motive. 

Anyone reading this will be shaking their head about now - I know I would be. But facts are not always black and white and while I am really uncertain of this behaviour, I do know what I feel when I am with O and I do know how well he treats me and how attentive he (usually) is - this isn't simply a case of a guy cheating online or trying to cheat online. At least, I don't think so.

I cannot help but compare O to Mr sociopath - the guy who moved across the country to be with me only to spend the majority of his time here having cybersex with as many women as he could convince to join him. I have lived through this once and it was awful. However .. it was awful because Mr sociopath lied to me about it - that was actually my biggest issue with him - the lies and gaslighting. O isn't lying, or at least he isn't lying outright. 

My BIGGEST problem with O's online antics is his profile. It doesn't read like someone who is passing time online - it reads like he really is looking for someone - and that someone reads like me: 2.0. Someone who has many of my characteristics and personality traits but who isn't going to ask anything of him commitment-wise. 

I shut down my communications last night; phone is off, skype is off because I simply don't know what to think, let alone feel. I don't know if I am being played here or, if I am overreacting. And try as I might, I just cannot seem to figure this out. I am stumped. 

Part of me wonders if it is just that some men cannot help but be drawn to the idea of 'the next great girl'. To some dream that cannot come to pass because she is impossible. This girl/woman in their mind prevents them from ever being truly happy with who they are with and keeps them seeking/searching. Maybe, some men are simply like this? (Maybe some women are to, I don't have any experience in relationships with women so I can't comment). Maybe, there is an increase in this type of thinking/behaviour since the internet became flooded with dating sites or, to be precise, flooded with women - available and otherwise (what am I saying 'maybe', of COURSE the increase is directly related to dating/sex sites ..pppfftttt). 

Today, this all seems like far, FAR too much work. Surely it isn't meant to be this hard? Am I kinda doomed to be attracted to men who just can't quite commit? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I both attract and am attracted to men like this? 

Dear Yoda .. do I have Daddy issues?

Mind-fucking

Shakespeare Sir Walter Scott said it best  .. 

(I really wanted to use Shakespeare but, what can ya do?)

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive"

I'm in a web of my own making right now, it's absolutely nobody's fault but my own. That doesn't make it any easier or, make it hurt less or even give me an escape hatch. Because, webs are sticky things and the problem is that even if we create them to ensnare our object of desire, there is a strong chance that other stuff is going to get .. well, ensnared as well, like ourselves .. for example. 

You probably have no idea what I am talking about and really, why would you? I was trying to be all literary and profound but really, I'm just sitting here licking my self-inflicted wounds - nowhere near as pretty an analogy, and certainly not profound. 

You see I'm not just stuck in a web of my own making, I'm mind-fucking myself - and not in, you know, the good way. No, it's in the 'what-the-hell-have-you-done-you-self-destructive-bitch' kinda way. 

The only good thing I can think to come from this is that I can serve as a cautionary tale for any other travellers on the LDR road .. I think much of this blog is a cautionary tale really so, why stop now? Why not just lay my cards on the table (or is that let them scatter all over the floor?) because someone, somewhere might just learn a thing or two about what not to do. 

So, if you are in a LDR, take heed, because I have a few words of wisdom:

1. Don't be too available for your lover - if you and he have a set time to talk and it's been more than a few months, great .. allow yourself to become part of his day-to-day, routine life, BUT (and I cannot stress this enough), if he deviates or fails to respect your routine and/or starts taking you for granted, even just a little bit, then be a bit more elusive, don't ever let him feel that he has you, no matter what. 
2. Insist on honesty - let him know that you won't have a stupid tanty or put him over the proverbial grill if he is honest with you BUT, at the same time, don't just 'accept' any behaviour/attitude because it comes under the umbrella of telling the truth. There is a vast difference between being an emotional nightmare to deal with (and so to be avoided) and a doormat. Know the difference, understand it, put it into practice. 
3. Don't drive yourself crazy wondering who or what he is up to and who or what with. He's a man so, chances are he did at least something today that you wouldn't be completely happy about. That's okay; it's almost to be expected - guys like to look and to fantasize about touching - if he is yours, that's as far as it will go and you don't ever have to know about it, if he isn't, well, you will learn that soon enough - no point derailing yourself in the meantime. 
4. Being at a distance gives you one, very important asset: you can be 'the perfect woman'. You aren't 'there' all the time, you can retain a bit of mystery and aloofness, you can get him to desire you like crazy because he cannot have you. This is no small thing - use it, let him miss you occasionally. (Conversely, this is also your biggest weakness, and works only for a limited time, the longer you are apart, the less power this wields).

There are no doubt more and I will add them as I think of them. It's probably, actually a very long list and everything on here was learnt either through this LD'R' or, in one of the previous ones. You see, I have found that certain principles hold true no matter who the guy and what the circumstances. The central and most disturbing of these .. let's call them truisms is this: most guys in most LDR's will cheat, most of the time. 

It may be that you trust your lover 100%, and I'm not going to dispute that - you know him better than I do. However my own personal experience bears this out 100%, three LDR's that all ended with cheating, that's 3:3, not excellent odds and really, a rather solid foundation for my angst. 

These men were/are not all assholes either. My first LDR was with a lovely, gentle man who I know for a fact loved me dearly. That relationship was over a decade ago and he and I are back in touch now as friends and I have asked him about what happened back then and he has told me; it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that I simply wasn't 'there', and she was. He couldn't see any way he and I could be together in (what was then) the near future and so, he opted out. 

Cheater number two WAS a lying, cheating scumbag. It wouldn't have mattered whether it was a LDR or not, he was going to cheat, a lot, with anyone he could cheat with. Ironically, he actually moved across the country to be with me - he made the journey - only to spend his days trawling the internet for women (plural, BIG plural). The worst aspect of this relationship was that while we were still in a distance thing, he once told me that he needed a 'weekend off' (no comms) because he was feeling overwhelmed with his feelings for me and the decision of whether or not to move and being the trusting, drama-free girl that I always strive to be, I was more than happy to give him this time. It wasn't until months later that I found out he was spending that weekend with one of his internet women. 

Before you ask yourself why on earth I allowed myself to become involved in yet another distance thing with yet another man I met online, let me explain that between numbers 1/2 and number 3, there has been about 11 years. I had no intention whatsoever of ever, EVER doing this again. 

But of course I did/have - which brings us to number 3 - my current guy. 

As you can imagine, my radar is somewhat skewed by my previous experiences. I have only ever been cheated on in distance relationships, it has never happened to me with men I met who lived close-by. Number 2 was a womaniser and I am not sure that it is fair to lump him in with number 1 in that sense as number 1 was circumstantial but, facts are facts. 

Number 3. Mr current. O. He isn't exactly 'cheating' as we aren't exactly in a 'relationship' and besides, he is telling me about the women he is talking to online - so, that's okay right (remember what I said about honesty?). Well, actually, it isn't. It isn't even a little bit okay. I'm not okay with it - not by a long, long shot. 

The worst part is that I don't feel that I have the right to be upset - like I am the one with the problem because, if we aren't 'really' in a relationship and if he is telling me about the women he is talking to then, it's not cheating right? In fact, isn't that just poly in practise? Well, no, I don't think it is. Because we never agreed it was okay to have sexual contact with other people 'as such' (we have never talked about ground rules or even if 'we' are in the postion to need ground rules). There all kinds of assumptions built in with his behaviour and actions about what is okay and what isn't okay - all his. IN many ways, I can't blame him as he has been kinda-sorta upfront and kinda-sorta honest - but, somehow, it feels like there is deception disguised as honesty at work here. Fact is, I feel devalued as a woman, as a person and certainly as a lover. 

I don't know how we can overcome distance, my background with LDR which is directly feeding my insecurities and his polyamorous nature - it is indeed a tangled, tangled web. 

'poly-speak'

I'm confused (again)

I am not sure if my guy is actually (or wants to be actually) polyamorous or, if he just wants to be able to fuck other women - to explore a little or, if he is just a commitment-phobe. Maybe he's a bit of all three.

As we are in a LDR, I forsee problems in front of us - actually, we have problems behind us and problems on top of us right now. I am open to discussing his sexual needs, I am open to exploring my own. But, I am not open to either of us exploring these needs while we are separated by a very, VERY large continent. I cannot see myself being in any way okay with him being in physical contact (or emotional come to that) with other women while I am unable to be in contact with him myself. I don't care how it is sold to me, I ain't buying.

Hell, I am not even sure of exactly what our 'relationship' (there go those air quotes again) is. A couple of weeks ago he described his ideal as me and him being a hub, one that brings in other sexual partners, and I am okay with this but - call me crazy - how the eff does a hub work from a distance?

I keep reading up on poly and I am pretty sure this isn't what he has in mind. It's not really what I have in mind either. I want him to be happy but I also want me to be happy - and I am fucked if I can figure out how to be happy when we are miles apart and he is talking to other women online in order to set them up as potential sex partners for him and me.

I seem to lack the vocabulary to discuss my fears, concerns and needs - and this goes for the whole 'relationship' .. is this another bad sign?

I don't understand how someone can feel so right for me and yet so wrong at the same time.

If I ever get there . . .

The good news is that my angst has calmed down

The bad news is that is has been upgraded to paranoia. 

After a short spell of not contacting (it was only one night and he had been in contact that morning), things got back to normal. He calls or texts most mornings and he skypes every night .. I swing between thinking it's a good thing to get used to each other being a daily part of the day and wondering if he will just get bored/used to me or we will get bored/used to each other - and, I have no idea what the answer to that is, I guess only time will tell. 

He is currently moving his stuff out of the ex GF's house - he has spent the last 3 days there and, from what he has said it has all been quite civilised. Until today. 

According to him (and he has no reason to lie or embellish) she came home today and laid into him in a big way; he is evil, he lied to her, he deserves to rot in hell. And, I get that, I really do - there is nothing more frustrating than loving somebody who doesn't love you back or worse, breaks up with you. It sucks. 

One of the things that she is focused upon was the fact that it's not just a matter of NOT loving her, he CANNOT love her .. because he doesn't love. 

Of course, this problem now spills over to me. I have to consider and think about being in love with a man who cannot love me back - and this is a concern. He can care and like and lust and be warm and giving - in fact he is all of those things with me. But, he says he cannot love. Of course, one asks oneself if it is just a matter of not having found the right person/woman yet .. that perhaps one day he will meet someone so wonderful, so 'right', that he will be swept away with love. It's hard not to wonder that. 

But, this isn't the reason for my current paranoia. 
That began in a skype conversation about an hour ago: 

HIM: "She was yelling at me that I really do love her and why I am being so cruel, pretending that I don't."

"And I began to wonder about how this plays out with you and me"

ME: "Meaning?"

HIM: "Well, if I ever get to your location, will you be hurt and upset that I cannot love"

Did you catch the bit that sent me off the rails? "IF I EVER GET TO YOUR LOCATION"

Is he questioning that? Was it a badly worded turn of phrase? Am I being led on 'in case' he decides to come here (am I in the oven being kept warm?) ... 

He has always HATED the city where he lives, with a passion. Part of the reason he was coming here was because he wanted to get out of there. 

But, he is moving into new digs this weekend and he has found a share house that is occupied with 5 other guys - younger guys with whom he seems to fit in with quite well. This, to me, suggests that perhaps his city will be a better place to reside in - having pleasant and interesting room mates, being 2 hours (yes, 2 hours) closer to work and having the freedom to do what he wants after being in a highly controlling relationship for the last 3 years - well, it doesn't bode well for me I don't think. 

I really do want him to be happy and to fly. I love him, and I want that for him. Problem is, if he is happy and flying there .. why would he want to move? 

But I really, REALLY like you.

Today has been a good day. 

It's been a hell of a good day.

I'm in love. 

I have no doubts whatsoever on this - and I apologise to anybody reading who is NOT currently in love because, I remember how puke-inducing it is to read about love when you aren't in love .. but .. there ya go .. puke away. 

I split up with my guy a few days ago - I called things off.

Mainly because I am not and do not deal with distance .. I LOATHE it. But, there was also the matter that he had updated his POF.com profile and it was .. well, it was pretty specific; he's still looking. IN fact, he has described me 2.0 in what he is looking for .. all the good bits but with the flaws removed. 

I wrote and told him that he should maybe take this time and just be single .. just do it right? Go for it. 

Well, my stand lasted about 12 hours until we talked, and by the next morning we were both feeling a bit broken and shattered .. by that afternoon (after I got friendly with a bottle of vodka and emailed him).. it was pretty much all back on again. Yes, I have lost all credibility but hey .. I got some damn fine cybersex. 

He has been wonderfully attentive these past few weeks since he moved away from the ex GF. He calls all the time and texts regularly and we are pretty much in the habit of sharing our day-day stuff. He is warm and loving and sweet and caring (I know.. gag right?) .. BUT .. he claims he cannot feel love. 

I have done a bit of Googling on this and there seems to be quite a number of people out there who claim they cannot or do not 'feel' love. This was all actually news to me; I thought it was just psychopaths who didn't love .. I thought wrong apparently. 

The strangest thing is that, it FEELS like love when I am with him. It really does. I have been in love before and I have been loved before and this FEELS like love. So, it's very confusing. Some of my GF's say that he does love, he just doesn't admit it to himself, or, he is capable of it, he had just been hurt and protecting himself .. you know what I am saying .. all those reasons excuses that would jump to mind (and are possibly jumping to mind for you right now as you read this) to explain how it is possible for somebody not to feel love. It seems impossible, unthinkable and it is rather terrifying to be in love with someone who says he cannot love - if you can imagine it. 

I got quietly and utterly drunk on the evening after the initial day that I suggested we go our separate ways for a bit .. I am talking a whole bottle of Stolis in two hours kinda drunk .. so, by the time our 'reconciliation' was happening, we fell into some pretty steamy phone chat and I think, I repeat THINK that I told him at least 3 times that I loved him .. I think I even apologised for it. **Sigh** .. yeah .. me and credibility aren't happy bedfellows this week. 

But, the funny thing is since I sold my soul (actually 'sold' is giving me too much credit, I just gave it up no charge, no questions) he has been incredibly sweet .. more so than usual .. and he keeps telling me just how MUCH he likes and adores me .. he SMS's constantly, he calls all the time, he is constantly lustful and complimentary. So, the weird thing is, that MY love maybe gives him some security? I'm not sure .. given that this is a man who is also allergic to the word 'relationship' (have I blogged about that yet? .. I must have .. surely ..)

He has told me that he loves me .. more than once actually .. and there is definitely a conversation in there but one that needs to be had over a bottle of something 40 proof methinks. In the meantime .. he likes me, he really, REALLY likes me .. and, for the moment, I guess I can live with that?

So ... I got my '7'

Yay me .. right??

I discussed my perfect relationship being a '7' in this post  - basically, I want somebody who is in my corner but, who isn't in my face/house/shit 24/7 .. and I got an offer of this .. in 12 months time. 

I am still circling the idea of this .. if someone is the 'someone' you have been waiting for for a long, long time .. if they turn you on intellectually and physically - then they are worth waiting for right? In this day of email/skype/sms, it's fairly easy to stay in touch and be a part of each other's daily lives ... hell, even sex is do-able with video chat - okay, so you can't blow a computer but, you get my drift. 

I worry that if I tell him that perhaps we should both be single until he is ready to come to me that we will lose the connection that we have established - and it has been hard-won: ending an exisitng relationship, actually meeting in the flesh, building something over distance for 9 months already. I also worry that it is asking too much of anybody to maintain a relationship over distance for 12 months. 

Can he visit? Can I visit?  Well .. yes .. 

But I repeat .. one cannot blow a computer. 

Things go pear-shaped ..

I mentioned that he's poly right?

Well, we have never really talked about what this means for 'us'. In fact, as I have already written, we have problems talking about 'us'/ Much of this is due to my .. I LOATHE having relationship 'talks' .. I find it incredibly difficult. 

So, while we have discussed and fantasised about having another woman in the bedroom - and agreed that this is something that we both want .. we haven't discussed dating or fucking outside the relationship, or what the relationship is (and therefore can we really be dating/fucking outside of it if it doesn't exist? ..aarrgghghghg). 

He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was 'in contact' with a woman who was looking for a couple. At the time, I got a bit thrown because it seemed to indicate that he was looking to stay in his city - not getting ready to come here, like I thought. The fact that he was in contact with a woman, well, it bothered me a little but, I trust him and, she was looking for a couple so .. all good right?

Uh-huh .. I am an idiot... go ahead .. say it. 

This past Sunday, we had been video chatting for a few hours when he told me that this woman had disappeared and was no longer answering his emails. Apparently, they had been exchanging erotic writing and at some point phone numbers as she called him asking for phone sex. Uhmm.. wtf???

Somehow, while he was calmly telling me all of this, I managed to keep it together and not have a knee-jerk reaction. After about 10 minutes I logged off and thought about what had just happened. For, if this woman was looking for a couple - wth was she doing only conversing with the male? And, how did he present him and I if she was comfortable calling him and asking for phone sex? Obviously she didn't think it was a problem  .. and clearly .. she wasn't only looking for a couple and .. uhhm .. clearly... he either had no idea what my boundaries are or that this was all incredibly disrespectful. The thing is, he told me all of this quite matter-of-factly .. his point was only 'isn't it weird that she disappeared?' ..  he clearly did not see it as a potential issue. 

So, between the distance, the ambiguous 'nature' of our relationship and now this rather serious breach of trust (in my opinion) .. I was at saturation point. 

To me, there was just too much to deal with - and trying to have a LDR where there are trust issues? Not my idea of a good time. 

So, I wrote an email (I always write an email) outlining my problems with the distance, the undefined nature of him and me and the fact that my trust was now dented .. and that I was having problems seeing a way through all of that. 

Initially, he tried to contact but seemed to be ignoring the email - but we touched base earlier tonight when he finally asked if we could discuss what I had written. 

First of all we 'defined' the relationship - well, he did, I got all tongue-tied like I always do and he took the lead so that I could just dis/agree as the case may be. So, we are on the same page there .. finally .. and I feel some sense of security about that. 

Next .. the distance .. and here is the kicker. He says he needs to stay where he is for another 12 months due to work. When I explained that it is incredibly hard for me to have him across the country he said it is incredibly hard for him to and he misses me all the time .. and here is where I simply don't get it. 

I'm a jumper. 

If I want something/see an opportunity I jump .. feet first, off the cliff and hope against hope that there aren't any rocks below .. Now I get that not everybody is like me, I really do .. and I can see the benefit/s of acting like a responsible adult at times .. but, there is responsibility and there is just plain fear and BS. 

And this, seems like fear and BS to me no matter how it is spun. I don't think he is BS-ing to me, I think he is BS-ing to himself because it is a big move and he needs time to process. 

So, he has asked me to wait for 12 months  ..to be effectively on lay-by (or lay-away for those of you in the USA) .. he has promised to visit .. but, that is where it stands. 

I haven't said okay. I am far from saying okay. The past 9 months have driven me batshit crazy as it is .. I am seriously unsure if I can do it for another 12, visits or no visits. 

And, on top of that, comes the poly issue .. we haven't discussed what happened with the woman - he apologised for upsetting me .. and asked if I wanted to be the one to choose or okay potential others - to which I said no. I don't want that. If he is attracted to somebody then we will look at what that means when it happens but I don't want to control that. 

BUT.

I absolutely cannot see myself being okay with him dating/fucking others while we are in a distance thing .. I am going to struggle a little as it is and I will need him nearby to help me with what I am sure will be a bit of a challenge .. but for someone else to get skin-skin contact while I only get him on a computer? .. Yeah, I don't think so. 

So, there needs to be more talk .. at which I suck. And I need to make a decision - at which I suck. And, I need to define my boundaries and figure out if and how this can work for me. 

I'm really not sure, but will let you now what I decide.

The one where she tries to set it all out succinctly ...

The story so far . . .

In case you have been too lazy to read my previous posts and because I have failed utterly to provide a linear narrative .. I think it will do you and me some good to recap. 

1: Girl meets guy online

2: Girl and guy hit it off and become involved in a virtual, distance thang.

• Problem: Guy is currently in a relationship and living with somebody although he says it is all but 'over' and asks girl to hang in there with him while this happens. 

3: About 6 months in: 'Affair 'has been very hot and heavy, they talk every day, often for hours and things get incredibly frustrating for the girl as she is waiting for him to leave relationship and she really, REALLY wants actual, skin-skin contact .. Skype ain't cutting it at this point. Things are very, VERY sexual and they both realise that this is a connection that one doesn't come across very often. 

4: She flies to him and spends the best part of a month in his city. He calls things off with the live-in GF and takes time off work - they spend quite a large amount of time together. It is more than either of them hoped .. and the sex is fantastic .. I mean, fucking fantastic. I don't know if you have ever had a six month buildup of phone sex and written/typed fantasies and video sex .. but ..hobooy .. it pays off.

• At this stage he is still living with ex GF but, only in a room mate capacity. 

5: When it is time to leave, he promises her that they will meet again - they have discussed him moving to be closer to her as he dislikes the city he is in - the biggest issue is the job - he doesn't want to give it up .. so although he has said he will come to her .. she has no idea when this will happen. 

6: They resume the relationship when she returns home but begin to talk practicalities. He is poly, or, poly-inclined and she .. isn't. 

• They share some fantasies and realise that they are both wanting to at least include another woman in the bedroom at times .. she thinks that this is a good step in giving him some variety while not challenging her emotional responses too far (okay, so she is actually kinda excited about it). 

7: Things get really bad with the ex GF and he moves in with his parents while looking for a new home. She worries that him getting settled somewhere closer to work will mean that he will be even less inclined to leave. 

8: Well ... this is where we are now .. and it ain't pretty .. in fact, it is getting kinda fucked up. 

The Affair Part 2

The Affair Part 2

As I have already mentioned that my guy is poly and was in a relationship when we met, I should clarify that he was not in a relationship with a poly woman - 

In fact, the GF then was/is about as monogamous as you can get - marriage, happy-ever-after etc .. 

Uugghhh .. please!

So, I was indeed 'the other woman' in every sense of the word, even though I was virtual and about 4000 miles away. It was a recipe for disaster as he and I barrelled toward each other with increasing velocity and his relationship with her became plagued with problems and doubts which, while always there, we exacerbated by my presence. 

Did/do I feel badly about this? Absolutely. They were having problems and she was unaware of the reason for these problems - true, these existed before I ever came along but,  as he and I grew closer .. the problems that he had within the relationship changed. Let me explain: before he and I met, he had all but accepted that the relationship he was in, with all of its issue was 'normal' and 'how things are'. His loss of desire and sexual interest in her  he considered to be normal and her controlling ways he also considered to be normal. 

The thing is he did and still does like her enormously as a friend and she, being in love with him, clung to this friendship out of fear of losing 'him' forever. But it wasn't working. 

Possibly besides the point of this post, but I want you to understand that I did not happen upon an otherwise functional relationship and .. well, wreck it. This wasn't the case at all. Many times when he told me that he cared about and for her, I suggested that he take time and really try to work things out with her .. but, it was for all intents and purposes over as a romantic thing. 

In the meantime, our relationship grew and grew .. we talked for hours on Skype almost every day - sometimes writing, sometimes voice and sometimes video .. we also emailed and SMS'd and anything else we could thing of. This man moved into my head and, well, he still lives there to be honest. I think of little else. 

After about six months of being virtual, the time came to meet. It had been some time coming as he didn't know how he would manage to spend time with me because of her. I told him that he needed to figure this out as I was over being virtual and either we stepped up or, what was the point?

I flew to his city for 3.5 weeks. He had pre-planned a meet by telling the GF that he wanted to date other women and that he had 'recently' (yes, he lied) met someone online that he was interested in meeting for lunch and perhaps sleeping with. Thing is, she knew he was/is poly and she also knew that he was uninterested in her sexually but, she had managed to keep a lid on this for most of their 3-year relationship. 

It was by no means an easy chat and she made his life hell for a few weeks - hell. But, he stuck to his guns and insisted that he was going to meet 'this woman'/me irrespective of what she said (he did offer to move out and end the relationship if it was going to be too painful for her and, she also went on a date with another man first, so, this wasn't in any way an ultimatum or anything of that nature). 

The first time we met was not one of the 'dates' he had pre-planned with her. He made another excuse to be away for a couple of hours and, after six months of intensive communication and almost unbearable building lust .. we met. 

And it was utterly and completely amazing. 

It not only translated into real life, it transcended it; and this is when the 'affair' kicked up a notch. 

I think that he was always concerned that I would not come or, would back out at the last minute on a meet, but when I did show up and it was wonderful, well, he spent the weekend at home, we met again on the Monday and it was possibly even better .. and then, all bets were off. 

The more she tried to hold on to him, the more he came to me I guess. We really were like magnets. 

Long story short - he ended the relationship. Well, he tried to .. she refused to accept it and even now - some 5 weeks later, they are still having issues about this. 

Without disclosing too many personal details, lets just say that there are reasons that she and he are still in each others lives (no, not kids) on a day-to-day basis. On top of that - she came up with the brilliant plan that instead of moving out, that he move into the spare room so that they could continue to share living expenses .. (yes, any women reading this will recognise this for what it is .. any men .. well, it might sound perfectly reasonable to you). 

I am now back home and have been for a couple of weeks, they are still 'separated' but, sharing a house/life .. and I am actually okay with this .. really, doesn't bother me at all, I am just sitting back waiting for the inevitable A-bomb.

But .. reality is, I am here, he is there and well, she is still there to .. up next: This sucks beyond belief.

If you think you have relationship problems ..

I am here to make you feel much, much better.. 

Because chances are, after reading about mine you will have the same sense that you do after watching "Jerry Springer" -  utter relief that somebody, somewhere is crazier than you are. 

My current relationship (and I use the term loosely because, amongst other things, my guy is 'uncomfortable' with the term 'relationship' .. yeah .. I know) began ONLINE, is plagued by distance (we are on opposite sides if Australia - not a small thing), he was living with another woman so when we met so, it was also an affair .. and to top it off .. he is polyamorous and I'm well .. not .. at least I don't think so, but that is a whole other post. 

Red Flags Anyone??

Yeah .. I do so love a challenge. 

The Affair

I'll begin with the 'affair' aspect because that is where many people will focus - and I understand that. 

I told my guy from the beginning that I was not interested in becoming involved with a man who was attached .. and I meant it. I will be honest here and admit that this isn't a moral or ethical issue for me, it's a vanity one - I don't like feeling 'second' and I don't like the feeling of someone I am falling in love with sharing his day-to-day life with somebody else. 

He and I tussled with this because he assured me that although he liked his partner/GF very much, he had long lost any romantic/sexual feelings for her. 

Okay - but what exactly does that mean - he was still with her right? Still sharing her life and her bed? 

It was about 2 weeks in to our 'relationship' that I wrote the first of what would be several angst-ridden emails - I recall it well because I couldn't see the point in pursuing something when he was already 'taken' .. to me, it took all of the risk/surprise off the table - all he could offer was an affair and I wanted/needed more; I was ready to dive into something and REALLY find out where it would lead, and the affair meant that I knew EXACTLY where it owuld lead - he would still have someone central in his life and I would be broken-hearted - not my idea of a fun time. 

He responded that things were far from 'fixed or certain' and that he was actually quite unhappy with where he was, but unsure how to get 'unstuck' from where he was. 

This tided me over for a little while and as we were not being physical - well, nobody's squishy bits were getting touched, it was an online thing after all - I 'allowed' myself to continue (I use the "" around allowed because I am aware of just how much of a cop out this was). Fact is I had been single for seven years. And not just relationship single, single in every sense of the word. Single. No Sex. NO Romance. Nada. Zero. Zilch. So, yes, I guess I was both emotionally thirsty but also - I was so stunned to find somebody who I was attracted to - it had been so very long since this happened and I selfishly wanted to hang onto that - whatever self-justification was required. 

Okay .. it was lust .. so sue me

And so it began, and grew and got completely out-of-control in the good and the not-so-good way ...