Is it your move - or mine?

Relationship games. 

I've been thinking a lot about them today. 

Mainly because I got caught up reading blogs about 'no contact' and 'games men play' and 'how to get your ex back' and 'how to get him to treat you like a goddess' and 'the rubber band theory' 'using no contact and the rubber band theory to get your ex back and get him to treat you like a goddess' ... you get the drift. 

And while I am open to the idea that men and women have some biological differences and that men and women are socialised differently and enculturated with different ideas about relationships and sex, I CANNOT get on board with the idea that ALL men think one way and ALL women can circumvent/overcome/trap/negotiate this thinking with strategy. I tried swallowing this but .. I just gagged. 

I certainly can see some merit in the premise that if your lover is backing away and treating you like you aren't a priority then, you need to back off as well - but this seems to be common-sense and more about keeping your dignity rather than anything else. 

The problem (as far as I can see) is that even if you are loathe to play games, if a lover starts to behave like a jackass then, they leave you with little choice that to back away and give them some time to consider life without you. Of course, if somebody pulls away and withdraws their affection/love, one tends to miss them/it and, like a junkie who is missing a fix, there can be a tendency to seek out the source of the fix - we want to (re)feel the oxytocin flooding through our system again .. we want to feel good. 

So, the first instinct is to behave like a junkie and try to beg/borrow/steal our fix .. but this doesn't always pan out like we hope and if the supply withdraws even further well, that's when panic sets in. 

But, I am being general and vague and euphemistic and really, if this blog is about anything at all, it's about MY experience. 

So, here goes. 

My lover is still withdrawing. After coming back around yesterday and calling a few times and meeting up with me on skype (which, if you recall was short and not-so-sweet), he has disappeared again today. 

Given it's only been 24 hours, you may think I am being premature with my woe but, there are extenuating circumstances. 

I'll explain.

• I think after my little meltdown last week that I have made it pretty clear that I was upset with him vanishing without contact. 

• While I can accept that this is more about his emotional shit at the moment and nothing to do with him and I per se .. he is managing to get up and get his butt to work every day and so, I am sceptical that he is unable to 'handle' sending an email or text. 

• Last night, after the rather awkward skype session, I sent him and email saying I was feeling a bit lost (I know, I know .. but that is besides the point). I then sent another, much more upbeat one wishing him a good day and sharing some good news I had recieved. AND .. this morning, because I was still awake at 4am and knowing he would be at work, I sent him a sexy text (he had indicated that sex was not on his mind at all during the skype chat but, I was hoping to start scratching the surface to re-engage him ..). 

So .. his silence is not just silence after our talks yesterday, it is silence after 2 emails and a text. I have NEVER, EVER, EVER sent three comms in a row without waiting for a response and I am kicking myself for doing it because it seems that I have placed myself on the game board and already rolled all my die ... and I rolled snake eyes. 

My 'plan' (for want of a better word) was to send the perky email and the sexy text and then only respond to his responses after a while - I wanted him to think that I was feeling better about things and that I was not going to be demanding his attention immediately. You see, I am used to getting almost/immediate responses, and I am used to him doing most of the contact and pretty much all of the initiating. So this is unfamiliar territory and it appears that I have botched it. 

He maintains that it is his emotional crisis that is driving him (or rather, not driving him) right now and that the hike in meds is making him tired and unable to cope with as much comms as usual (as I was typing that I was thinking that if I was reading this blog I would have snorted out loud upon reading that last sentence). As I said, I am not entirely clear how he can be SO overwhelmed that he cannot just send a text - especially when I made it clear last week how hurtful it felt for him to just vanish - and double-especially when he seems more than capable of going to work (did I already mention that? I did didn't I). 

So, having shot my wad with the three messages, all I can do is sit back and watch/wait. It feels calculated, it feels inauthentic and it feels  .. like a game. And it appears that I can sneer at those websites that outline the rules for these male/female games all I want. I am playing whether I want to or not. 

Check.Mate?

The BITCH is Back

I read through my last few posts last night. I also penned (but didn't send - thank Yoda - a rather angsty email to O) ... then I sat back and thought to myself .. WTF woman? You are BETTER than this!

So, I gave myself a good, hard bitch slap. 

And I re-read "Why Men Love Bitches"and then, I decided that I am bringing back the bitch. The sexy. sassy, in-control of herself, un-needy, spontaneous, funny, smart woman who snagged this man in the first place. 

And no, I am NOT bringing her back for him, I am bringing her back for me. 

Somewhere along the line I got lost in this relationship .. I adore O and I love the way he makes me feel .. but I have just GOT TO stop looking to him to see whether or not I am 'happy' today. If he calls/contacts - great! If not .. well, that's okay to. 

I was NOT looking for a relationship when he and I met. I am not really looking for one now. Okay, I would love it if he and I became secure and happy with one another - but, that may or may not happen, there is simply no way to tell. It probably won't happen if I keep going the way I am and when it falls apart - I am the one who is going to be lost because I have been looking to him for my fun and happiness .. and that just ISN'T ME. When did this happen to me? When did I farm out my sense of self?? .. I can't recall the exact instance but .. it happened. 

No more. Absolutely not. Shit has to change. Time to re-find me. 

I hope he comes along for the ride, I really, really do but, if he doesn't, no amount of moping or worrying or crying will make it so. 

More later .. right now I have some planning to do - it starts tomorrow. 

WTF is wrong with me??

After 5-ish days of being strong and not contacting, I broke today. 

Don't panic - I 'simply' sent a text saying I hoped things had settled down and that I missed him if that counted for anything. Nothing to feel bad about right???

He responded not long after with a breakdown of his week and saying he missed me to and asking if I wanted to 'talk again'. 

I spent an hour considering my answer (I kid you not) until I finally sent through: 'okay'.

I know right? Not my most articulate moment. 

Funny thing - that was over 3 hours ago so, he hasn't exactly rushed home to catch up .. I should have just let it be .. I DIDN'T want to know how great his new, 'laid back'life is .. and it was easier to work at remembering I was meant to be moving on than it is to speculate (again) why I have put myself in the position of feeling crappy because of this man. 

Drunk postings (are there any other kind?)

Blah .. blah .. blah ...

What do you do if you are in love but, your lover sees you as 'friends' or 'lovers' only?

You retreat right?

You bail so hard and so fast that all he hears is crickets chirping in the dust.

If he doesn't want me enough .. fine.

If he can't deal with wanting me .. fine.

I am too drunk to care which one it is. I simply know that I feel devalued and insignificant.

There must be SOMEONE else out there right?

Talk to me .....

Again I ask . .

Is it just me?

Am I being unreasonable?

Right now, as I type this, I am online with O. 

He is online with me also (obviously) as well as a German woman who he has apparently been talking to/with (I am unsure if this is somebody he has previously told me about or not) - and, definitely in a sexual way. 

I have no idea how I feel about this. We were sending dirty messages to each other when he interrupted to advise me that the German woman was being finicky about getting a full STI screen. 

Now .. my kneejerk reaction, (or is that my gut reaction? I am having problems differentiating between the two these days) was to be pissed off that he was talking to someone else at the same time that he was talking some sexy smack with me. My second reaction was just to be pissed in general that he was talking to her - with erotic intent - at all. 

He says that although she is 'handsome' (his word), she is rather vanilla and really, is only for he and I to play with and (I think) he has told her about me - at least he mentioned that she was wanting/willing for a F/F/M encounter. 

I am not sure I believe him about the only looking for me and him part. 

I am not convinced that he isn't completely ready to meet with the first woman who is willing to meet him. 

I have no idea how I feel about this - he has me all turned around so that I don't know the difference between unreasonable and being perfectly sane/reasonable anymore - this isn't good right?

Two nights ago he said not to worry about his prowling on POF as he wasn't actually 'looking for pussy' (he isn't normally so crude as to use 'pussy' - a word I despise) .. that he was only there for fun and entertainment - to see just how far/much the women there were willing to lie about themselves. He also said not to worry about losing him as he wasn't going anywhere. 

Again, I remain unconvinced. 

To add salt to injury, he asked me to contact her as his 'friend and/or lover' ..

I am not an expert on polyamorous relationships .. but I have done some research, and I did join a forum where I could ask questions - I also befriended a married (poly) male who answers all of my questions in great detail. 

The one thing that everyone seems to think is that you don't just introduce a new or potential sex partner as a fait accompli .. it just isn't done. And, being in sexual communication with another woman and THEN telling me afterwards .. well, that comes under that umbrella in my book. 

So, yet again, I am confused .. are we a partnership that is negotiating how and when we will have other lovers or, am I just one of a potential brood of women?

What do you do when you gut tells you one thing but your mind tells you another?

Stay tuned .. I have a feeling things are going to get interesting. 

The next great thing . .

I have been wondering . . .

Actually, I have been up all night wondering. 

I am pondering whether or not I can accept that O has an active POF profile and is actively seeking other women online. He says it is for 'us'; to find a woman that we can share together but I'm afraid I am sceptical of this - I don't doubts that this is a motive, it's just that I am not convinced it's the only motive. 

Anyone reading this will be shaking their head about now - I know I would be. But facts are not always black and white and while I am really uncertain of this behaviour, I do know what I feel when I am with O and I do know how well he treats me and how attentive he (usually) is - this isn't simply a case of a guy cheating online or trying to cheat online. At least, I don't think so.

I cannot help but compare O to Mr sociopath - the guy who moved across the country to be with me only to spend the majority of his time here having cybersex with as many women as he could convince to join him. I have lived through this once and it was awful. However .. it was awful because Mr sociopath lied to me about it - that was actually my biggest issue with him - the lies and gaslighting. O isn't lying, or at least he isn't lying outright. 

My BIGGEST problem with O's online antics is his profile. It doesn't read like someone who is passing time online - it reads like he really is looking for someone - and that someone reads like me: 2.0. Someone who has many of my characteristics and personality traits but who isn't going to ask anything of him commitment-wise. 

I shut down my communications last night; phone is off, skype is off because I simply don't know what to think, let alone feel. I don't know if I am being played here or, if I am overreacting. And try as I might, I just cannot seem to figure this out. I am stumped. 

Part of me wonders if it is just that some men cannot help but be drawn to the idea of 'the next great girl'. To some dream that cannot come to pass because she is impossible. This girl/woman in their mind prevents them from ever being truly happy with who they are with and keeps them seeking/searching. Maybe, some men are simply like this? (Maybe some women are to, I don't have any experience in relationships with women so I can't comment). Maybe, there is an increase in this type of thinking/behaviour since the internet became flooded with dating sites or, to be precise, flooded with women - available and otherwise (what am I saying 'maybe', of COURSE the increase is directly related to dating/sex sites ..pppfftttt). 

Today, this all seems like far, FAR too much work. Surely it isn't meant to be this hard? Am I kinda doomed to be attracted to men who just can't quite commit? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I both attract and am attracted to men like this? 

Dear Yoda .. do I have Daddy issues?

Mind-fucking

Shakespeare Sir Walter Scott said it best  .. 

(I really wanted to use Shakespeare but, what can ya do?)

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive"

I'm in a web of my own making right now, it's absolutely nobody's fault but my own. That doesn't make it any easier or, make it hurt less or even give me an escape hatch. Because, webs are sticky things and the problem is that even if we create them to ensnare our object of desire, there is a strong chance that other stuff is going to get .. well, ensnared as well, like ourselves .. for example. 

You probably have no idea what I am talking about and really, why would you? I was trying to be all literary and profound but really, I'm just sitting here licking my self-inflicted wounds - nowhere near as pretty an analogy, and certainly not profound. 

You see I'm not just stuck in a web of my own making, I'm mind-fucking myself - and not in, you know, the good way. No, it's in the 'what-the-hell-have-you-done-you-self-destructive-bitch' kinda way. 

The only good thing I can think to come from this is that I can serve as a cautionary tale for any other travellers on the LDR road .. I think much of this blog is a cautionary tale really so, why stop now? Why not just lay my cards on the table (or is that let them scatter all over the floor?) because someone, somewhere might just learn a thing or two about what not to do. 

So, if you are in a LDR, take heed, because I have a few words of wisdom:

1. Don't be too available for your lover - if you and he have a set time to talk and it's been more than a few months, great .. allow yourself to become part of his day-to-day, routine life, BUT (and I cannot stress this enough), if he deviates or fails to respect your routine and/or starts taking you for granted, even just a little bit, then be a bit more elusive, don't ever let him feel that he has you, no matter what. 
2. Insist on honesty - let him know that you won't have a stupid tanty or put him over the proverbial grill if he is honest with you BUT, at the same time, don't just 'accept' any behaviour/attitude because it comes under the umbrella of telling the truth. There is a vast difference between being an emotional nightmare to deal with (and so to be avoided) and a doormat. Know the difference, understand it, put it into practice. 
3. Don't drive yourself crazy wondering who or what he is up to and who or what with. He's a man so, chances are he did at least something today that you wouldn't be completely happy about. That's okay; it's almost to be expected - guys like to look and to fantasize about touching - if he is yours, that's as far as it will go and you don't ever have to know about it, if he isn't, well, you will learn that soon enough - no point derailing yourself in the meantime. 
4. Being at a distance gives you one, very important asset: you can be 'the perfect woman'. You aren't 'there' all the time, you can retain a bit of mystery and aloofness, you can get him to desire you like crazy because he cannot have you. This is no small thing - use it, let him miss you occasionally. (Conversely, this is also your biggest weakness, and works only for a limited time, the longer you are apart, the less power this wields).

There are no doubt more and I will add them as I think of them. It's probably, actually a very long list and everything on here was learnt either through this LD'R' or, in one of the previous ones. You see, I have found that certain principles hold true no matter who the guy and what the circumstances. The central and most disturbing of these .. let's call them truisms is this: most guys in most LDR's will cheat, most of the time. 

It may be that you trust your lover 100%, and I'm not going to dispute that - you know him better than I do. However my own personal experience bears this out 100%, three LDR's that all ended with cheating, that's 3:3, not excellent odds and really, a rather solid foundation for my angst. 

These men were/are not all assholes either. My first LDR was with a lovely, gentle man who I know for a fact loved me dearly. That relationship was over a decade ago and he and I are back in touch now as friends and I have asked him about what happened back then and he has told me; it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that I simply wasn't 'there', and she was. He couldn't see any way he and I could be together in (what was then) the near future and so, he opted out. 

Cheater number two WAS a lying, cheating scumbag. It wouldn't have mattered whether it was a LDR or not, he was going to cheat, a lot, with anyone he could cheat with. Ironically, he actually moved across the country to be with me - he made the journey - only to spend his days trawling the internet for women (plural, BIG plural). The worst aspect of this relationship was that while we were still in a distance thing, he once told me that he needed a 'weekend off' (no comms) because he was feeling overwhelmed with his feelings for me and the decision of whether or not to move and being the trusting, drama-free girl that I always strive to be, I was more than happy to give him this time. It wasn't until months later that I found out he was spending that weekend with one of his internet women. 

Before you ask yourself why on earth I allowed myself to become involved in yet another distance thing with yet another man I met online, let me explain that between numbers 1/2 and number 3, there has been about 11 years. I had no intention whatsoever of ever, EVER doing this again. 

But of course I did/have - which brings us to number 3 - my current guy. 

As you can imagine, my radar is somewhat skewed by my previous experiences. I have only ever been cheated on in distance relationships, it has never happened to me with men I met who lived close-by. Number 2 was a womaniser and I am not sure that it is fair to lump him in with number 1 in that sense as number 1 was circumstantial but, facts are facts. 

Number 3. Mr current. O. He isn't exactly 'cheating' as we aren't exactly in a 'relationship' and besides, he is telling me about the women he is talking to online - so, that's okay right (remember what I said about honesty?). Well, actually, it isn't. It isn't even a little bit okay. I'm not okay with it - not by a long, long shot. 

The worst part is that I don't feel that I have the right to be upset - like I am the one with the problem because, if we aren't 'really' in a relationship and if he is telling me about the women he is talking to then, it's not cheating right? In fact, isn't that just poly in practise? Well, no, I don't think it is. Because we never agreed it was okay to have sexual contact with other people 'as such' (we have never talked about ground rules or even if 'we' are in the postion to need ground rules). There all kinds of assumptions built in with his behaviour and actions about what is okay and what isn't okay - all his. IN many ways, I can't blame him as he has been kinda-sorta upfront and kinda-sorta honest - but, somehow, it feels like there is deception disguised as honesty at work here. Fact is, I feel devalued as a woman, as a person and certainly as a lover. 

I don't know how we can overcome distance, my background with LDR which is directly feeding my insecurities and his polyamorous nature - it is indeed a tangled, tangled web. 

'poly-speak'

I'm confused (again)

I am not sure if my guy is actually (or wants to be actually) polyamorous or, if he just wants to be able to fuck other women - to explore a little or, if he is just a commitment-phobe. Maybe he's a bit of all three.

As we are in a LDR, I forsee problems in front of us - actually, we have problems behind us and problems on top of us right now. I am open to discussing his sexual needs, I am open to exploring my own. But, I am not open to either of us exploring these needs while we are separated by a very, VERY large continent. I cannot see myself being in any way okay with him being in physical contact (or emotional come to that) with other women while I am unable to be in contact with him myself. I don't care how it is sold to me, I ain't buying.

Hell, I am not even sure of exactly what our 'relationship' (there go those air quotes again) is. A couple of weeks ago he described his ideal as me and him being a hub, one that brings in other sexual partners, and I am okay with this but - call me crazy - how the eff does a hub work from a distance?

I keep reading up on poly and I am pretty sure this isn't what he has in mind. It's not really what I have in mind either. I want him to be happy but I also want me to be happy - and I am fucked if I can figure out how to be happy when we are miles apart and he is talking to other women online in order to set them up as potential sex partners for him and me.

I seem to lack the vocabulary to discuss my fears, concerns and needs - and this goes for the whole 'relationship' .. is this another bad sign?

I don't understand how someone can feel so right for me and yet so wrong at the same time.

Typical . . . .

Not long after I posted he called. 

Typical. 

It's usually when I have gotten really angry/upset that this happens - boy has a radar I swear. He claims (!!) that he has had a hellish weekend and spent most of it angry. I don't doubt that as he still isn't moved into new digs. But, what I do doubt is that he didn't have the time to touch base. 

Especially when he has informed me that he has a found 'us' a woman who wants to be dominated sexually - someone who seems to be right up our libidinous alleyway actually. So, the doubter/cynic in me thinks, he has spent a bit of time over the weekend touching base with her and not me. 

Don't get me wrong, I am all for this .. I am looking forward to sharing a willing female - I really am, especially as this is something that he really wants - and I want him to be happy and to soar. The issue/s I have revolve around him and her spending private, getting-to-know-you time; virtual or otherwise. 

And, it's not just a time thing (the fact he didn't contact), we got into a rather hot 'n' heavy phone/skype sex session and well .. he was aroused - very much so - but, he was having problems pulling the trigger. And this sent off an alert, in fact it sent off all of my lerts. 

Weirdly, I honestly don't think it's possible for him to replace me .. no more than I could replace him; we are far from done with each other for one thing, I know that our story has a while to go but more than that - we really are each others mirror in many ways. 

We are both extremely perverted but - most people in the right setting - but O and I are perverted in the same way. However, what we really, truly share is a lack of a solid moral compass .. mine is dubious at best because I all-but raised myself mainly through books and television as my older brothers and sister were long gone by the time I was 7/8 and my mother always worked 3 or more jobs and so was simply never home to guide or shape me or really parent me in any fashion. Don't get me wrong here, I loved it. We always had a nice house, it was always spotlessly clean (my mother never stopped cleaning) and there were always pre-cooked meals ready to go - but - I was left to my own devices and many of the values, ethics and morals that one learns from family were simply not part of my life. 

This doesn't mean that I don't have any, it simply means that those I do have are the ones I have specifically chosen, they aren't part of my background or intuit learning. 

Somehow, someway, O is the same. 

He doesn't share my background story, he had a mother and a father and from what I can gather, they were present most of the time but O, like me, has a very disturbed moral outlook. 

I'm not a devil, I don't believe it's okay to murder people and I am not racist, sexist or homophobic. But .. I lack .. I lack a lot and my thoughts are often off-the-grid. For me, this pertains to my entire life - my work ethic is selfish at best, I cannot fathom capitalism, the nuclear family makes me want to vomit (I honestly get queasy at the sight of a white picket fence). I have no issues or problems with the unemployed or single mothers or anything like that. If anything, I think I am a hedonist. I think I should have lived in the time of Henry James and been one of his lovers. I know I should have been born wealthy because I have no real desire to spend my days selling my labour for an hourly rate. So, in that way, I'm also a Marxist. 

This doesn't mean that I don't work - I usually do. Right now, I'm not. I have not been working for over a year and I need to get back to it because, well, one needs money .. but work doesn't provide purpose, non whatsoever. 

With O, his corruptness comes through his sexuality, in most other areas while he is a liberal-minded guy, he is far more conservative than me. For him work does give purpose and life should be a series of steps that ensure ones safety from birth to the end. 

But, I digress, radically and substantially. 

Fact is .. at our age, most folks have succumbed to kids, mortgages, careers and the day-day minutiae that is middle-age-edness ... O says I am childlike .. which is a tad too close to childish for my liking, but, he is right. I am childlike. I run, I jump off cliffs and I fall .. I fall very very hard sometimes. But, no matter what else, I desire. And like a child, I must possess the object of my desire no matter the cost. 

O is that object, and although I do ponder the cost, it appears that I am willing to pay it at this point. 

Men are so damn confusing . . .

I'll contact when I am settled in .. 

That's what O said almost 3 days ago. 

He was moving on Friday - carting his stuff from the ex GF's house - some was going to be stored at his parents' house - electrical stuff he wants to photograph and sell online - the rest, to his new digs. I didn't expect to hear from him on the Friday and thought perhaps not Saturday but, it's now past his bedtime on Sunday night and not a word, not a call, not even an SMS. 

Fuck you O. 

Why do men think it's okay to run hot and cold? Why is okay to call and skype and text constantly for a week and then disappear for three days? 

MY 'friends' at the women's forum I am a member of (well, I was, I kinda lost my temper yesterday and got banned ..lol) would say that it shows he isn't really interested; that no man who was truly interested in making me part of his life would risk not contacting for three days. 

They are most probably right. 

I am really struggling tonight. Struggling to come to terms with what is wrong with me. Because, you know, there MUST be something wrong with me. Why else would I put up with everything O is asking of me/doing to me? Why am I wiping away tears when he is obviously enjoying himself settling into new digs and getting to know his new roomies? 

I really need to come to terms with the facts as they are:

• He thinks it is fine to ignore me for 3 days. 
• He still has an active POF profile and is listed as single. 
• He 'decided' that he is staying in his current city for another 12 months and this was decided without any discussion with me so, obviously, he doesn't think I should have any input or say - I am not part of his life in that way. 
• He cannot 'love' me (or anybody)
• He doesn't want a 'traditional' relationship (with anyone). 

WTF is wrong with me? Is my self-esteem so very low that I am just grateful for the time and attention that he does give me? 

No, it's not that simple, it really isn't. The confusing thing is that he behaves like we ARE in a relationship - he (usually) calls/texts/skypes a few times every day, we are (at least I thought we were) the central person in each others life (okay so being MIA for three days doesn't support this very well .. I get that). 

I have no idea what to do. My first impulse is to not respond for as long as he is MIA for - the problem with this of course is that not responding is an active/aggressive thing to do whereas not contacting is a passive thing to do so, they aren't equal. If I don't respond it is sending a clear message of 'I don't want to talk to you/am pissed off with you' .. but not contacting can mean anything .. not anything good admittedly but, it isn't aggressive in the same way that not responding is. 

It just hurts and I am so, SO tired of being doubtful and hurting. 

If any men are reading this - take note: It hurts us terribly when you don't contact, it belittles us and makes us feel unimportant. If that is your intention all well and good but, if you value your lady, just check in with her .. let her know that no matter what else is going on, you are thinking of her. This is especially important when you are in a LDR because all of our insecurities come out to play if we are left wondering in the silence. 

luurve junkie?

Looking back on the crappy relationships I have had, there were signs that the other party was less than .. well .. healthy, signs I chose to happily ignore because, you know, I was too flushed with dopamine and oxytocin to really care or, to care enough. 

Looking back at the LDR's I have had (oh yes, I'm in the plural here, this will be my third) I should also have opted out early on because one turned out to be a sociopathic womaniser and the other, well, he ripped my life apart when he wouldn't or couldn't take the step/s needed to be with me. And, I'm not talking metaphorically ripped apart - although there were some pretty spectacular metaphorical moments, but, I was so devastated that my whole life - every single aspect - took a hit and as ashamed as I am to admit it, some 11 years later, some parts have still not recovered and probably never will. A part of who I was got burned up in that break-up, the ambitious, fearless me was murdered and she won't be back again - I didn't even attend her funeral; I was too busy mourning. 

After Mr heartbreak came Mr sociopath and then, 3 or 4 (maybe 5?) short flings - each one more terrible than the one before until I finally put a halt on men completely - I went cold turkey. For seven years. 

And I was happy.

And I was free. 

Well, okay, I was content, and I didn't miss relationships and I didn't even miss sex (and believe me, I have a vast sex drive) after a while. I had completely and utterly given up the idea that I would ever have sex again or meet a man who even remotely interested me. And then I ran into O .. in a goddam chatroom of all places - something I had vowed 11 years before with Mr Heartbreak I would never, EVER do again - meet a man online and get involved in a distance affair. Not only that but he was taken .. aye carumba .. pass the girl some sense . . someone!!! 

Okay so at least O and I are in the same country .. that is something, even if we are on opposite coastlines. And, as of now, O is single, the GF is now the 'ex' GF so, again, this is a good thing. But the distance ... it's a problem .. and it plagues me every single day. I have had a distance thing blow up in my face as Mr heartbreak just couldn't make that final move when the time came - and I cannot but wonder if O's reasoning to stay where he is for another 12 months is a HUGE flag telling me that I am just not a priority and probably never will be. 

Is the fact that he is okay staying where he is a sign that I am ignoring? Or, is it a rational and adult approach to organising a new life: staying in a well paid job to garner more funds and more contacts before leaving for what is (without question) a downgrade in the employment chain (he won't get the same or even a similar job here, they simply don't exist). 

Is he leading me on?

Is it possible to keep feelings alive over a distance for ANOTHER 12 months? (11.5 now .. yes O, I'm counting!) 

When I called things off last week and cited the 12 month-stint as a reason, he said that he felt I was giving him and ultimatum of 'come here now or it's over'. Funny thing is, I feel the same way, like he is telling me 'wait 12 months or' ... well, there is no 'or', it's just 'wait 12 months', no discussion, no compromise.  

Is this my sign?

Will I look back on this one day and wonder why the hell I didn't just cut my losses?

It's not stalking if it's research ..

My guy's ex GF has a blog. 

And in/on (?) this blog she has documented her life for the past few years - including her relationship with my guy ... she usually only posted about him when things were bad and/or they were breaking up - which seemed to happen every 6 months or so - and this makes it extremely tempting to read. For me I mean - but, I'm sure you followed me around that bend. 

I have even responded to a few of her posts - yes, that's right, I have been responding to posts on my current guy's ex GF's blog without her knowing that it was me responding - I am going to hell .. in fact, I am going to that special hell where they send people who flood your email with stupid FWD's and those who talk during films ... 

It's not that I want to upset or goad her, far from it - I was actually trying to be helpful and nice as she seemed to be in pain and I just wanted her to think/know that someone, somewhere was listening and heard and felt her pain. 

As I read through her blog, I began to really like this woman - she actually reminded me of me. She is smart and kinda fucked-up and she has self-esteem issues, she also seems to attract the wrong type of men into her life .. ooo yeah, she is EXACTLY like me. 

But, funny thing - she began to reply to my responses, naming posts after me, thanking me and calling me 'wise' (a very, special kind of hell) .. until 1 day she kinda turned on me because (I assume) she sensed some judgement in one of my responses - and she got quite shirty or narky .. not sure which .. not sure what the difference is to be honest but she was definitely on the sliding scale between those two. I tried to smooth it over but she was having none of it ... No sir! Explain yourself! WHAT did you mean???

And I got a small, a very small inkling of what my guy has been talking about re this woman .. she may seem reasonable and emotionally resonant but actually, she is a control freak who likes to feel sorry for herself and to wax lyrical on how she has been wronged and deserves so much better. 

So, I stopped responding (but I still read :P)

If I ever get there . . .

The good news is that my angst has calmed down

The bad news is that is has been upgraded to paranoia. 

After a short spell of not contacting (it was only one night and he had been in contact that morning), things got back to normal. He calls or texts most mornings and he skypes every night .. I swing between thinking it's a good thing to get used to each other being a daily part of the day and wondering if he will just get bored/used to me or we will get bored/used to each other - and, I have no idea what the answer to that is, I guess only time will tell. 

He is currently moving his stuff out of the ex GF's house - he has spent the last 3 days there and, from what he has said it has all been quite civilised. Until today. 

According to him (and he has no reason to lie or embellish) she came home today and laid into him in a big way; he is evil, he lied to her, he deserves to rot in hell. And, I get that, I really do - there is nothing more frustrating than loving somebody who doesn't love you back or worse, breaks up with you. It sucks. 

One of the things that she is focused upon was the fact that it's not just a matter of NOT loving her, he CANNOT love her .. because he doesn't love. 

Of course, this problem now spills over to me. I have to consider and think about being in love with a man who cannot love me back - and this is a concern. He can care and like and lust and be warm and giving - in fact he is all of those things with me. But, he says he cannot love. Of course, one asks oneself if it is just a matter of not having found the right person/woman yet .. that perhaps one day he will meet someone so wonderful, so 'right', that he will be swept away with love. It's hard not to wonder that. 

But, this isn't the reason for my current paranoia. 
That began in a skype conversation about an hour ago: 

HIM: "She was yelling at me that I really do love her and why I am being so cruel, pretending that I don't."

"And I began to wonder about how this plays out with you and me"

ME: "Meaning?"

HIM: "Well, if I ever get to your location, will you be hurt and upset that I cannot love"

Did you catch the bit that sent me off the rails? "IF I EVER GET TO YOUR LOCATION"

Is he questioning that? Was it a badly worded turn of phrase? Am I being led on 'in case' he decides to come here (am I in the oven being kept warm?) ... 

He has always HATED the city where he lives, with a passion. Part of the reason he was coming here was because he wanted to get out of there. 

But, he is moving into new digs this weekend and he has found a share house that is occupied with 5 other guys - younger guys with whom he seems to fit in with quite well. This, to me, suggests that perhaps his city will be a better place to reside in - having pleasant and interesting room mates, being 2 hours (yes, 2 hours) closer to work and having the freedom to do what he wants after being in a highly controlling relationship for the last 3 years - well, it doesn't bode well for me I don't think. 

I really do want him to be happy and to fly. I love him, and I want that for him. Problem is, if he is happy and flying there .. why would he want to move? 

A is for angst .. right?

It's completely irrational, bordering on insanity really. 

When I am in a relationship or even when I am just in love, I get angsty, I get very, very angsty. 

I can often hide it from the target or cause of my angst - in fact, most of my ex-lovers would refer to me as fairly laid-back overall, I have several that I am still friends with - I even touched base with my very-ever-first loved last year and even though it has been close to 28 years since we spoke, he remarked that I still seemed like the laid-back me. I am very good friends with an ex from 10 years ago - we talk all the time and he has said the same .. so you see, I am very good at hiding it. Until I am not. 

My behaviour ranges from mild uneasiness to outright paranoia; depending upon the perceived slight I am facing but the fear is always the same; he has stopped liking/loving me/he is going to leave. 

Does everyone get this way? I'm inclined to think we have all experienced this to a degree but believe me when I tell you that my angst can beat up your angst any day .. I am the Spiderwoman of angst; it's my superpower. 

Take this morning. It's 4:15am and I cannot sleep. Why? Because my guy hasn't contacted since 9:30am yesterday morning. Yeah .. that's right, it hasn't even been 24 hours. 

The thing is, over the past weekend, right after our 'break-up' and for the week before it as well, he was calling/skyping/texting all the time .. half a dozen times a day sometimes - and we have never missed an evening Skype chat - until tonight. Even last night, he was going out to have dinner with some new friends. Before he went he skyped for an hour, on the way there he sent a couple of SMS's saying that he missed me and discussing some plans for my upcoming visit next month. On the way back from the dinner he SMS'd again and when he got home, even though it was extremely late, he skyped to say goodnight. I was then awoken by skype first thing until he realised he had woken me and told me to go back to sleep and he would call later - which he did. When he called we had a brief half-hour chat and he said he would call later to talk longer .. but he never did. And rather than recall that he has been incredibly warm and attentive for ages now, I am focused upon the fact that he hasn't called. It's crazy!

I have used the photograph from True Romance above because that's what this feels like - laughing while being beaten to a pulp in a bathroom by Tony Soprano .. it simply makes no sense outside of a particular narrative to worry and fret - and yet .. here it is .. happening. 

Does anybody else get this way, or is it just me?

But I really, REALLY like you.

Today has been a good day. 

It's been a hell of a good day.

I'm in love. 

I have no doubts whatsoever on this - and I apologise to anybody reading who is NOT currently in love because, I remember how puke-inducing it is to read about love when you aren't in love .. but .. there ya go .. puke away. 

I split up with my guy a few days ago - I called things off.

Mainly because I am not and do not deal with distance .. I LOATHE it. But, there was also the matter that he had updated his POF.com profile and it was .. well, it was pretty specific; he's still looking. IN fact, he has described me 2.0 in what he is looking for .. all the good bits but with the flaws removed. 

I wrote and told him that he should maybe take this time and just be single .. just do it right? Go for it. 

Well, my stand lasted about 12 hours until we talked, and by the next morning we were both feeling a bit broken and shattered .. by that afternoon (after I got friendly with a bottle of vodka and emailed him).. it was pretty much all back on again. Yes, I have lost all credibility but hey .. I got some damn fine cybersex. 

He has been wonderfully attentive these past few weeks since he moved away from the ex GF. He calls all the time and texts regularly and we are pretty much in the habit of sharing our day-day stuff. He is warm and loving and sweet and caring (I know.. gag right?) .. BUT .. he claims he cannot feel love. 

I have done a bit of Googling on this and there seems to be quite a number of people out there who claim they cannot or do not 'feel' love. This was all actually news to me; I thought it was just psychopaths who didn't love .. I thought wrong apparently. 

The strangest thing is that, it FEELS like love when I am with him. It really does. I have been in love before and I have been loved before and this FEELS like love. So, it's very confusing. Some of my GF's say that he does love, he just doesn't admit it to himself, or, he is capable of it, he had just been hurt and protecting himself .. you know what I am saying .. all those reasons excuses that would jump to mind (and are possibly jumping to mind for you right now as you read this) to explain how it is possible for somebody not to feel love. It seems impossible, unthinkable and it is rather terrifying to be in love with someone who says he cannot love - if you can imagine it. 

I got quietly and utterly drunk on the evening after the initial day that I suggested we go our separate ways for a bit .. I am talking a whole bottle of Stolis in two hours kinda drunk .. so, by the time our 'reconciliation' was happening, we fell into some pretty steamy phone chat and I think, I repeat THINK that I told him at least 3 times that I loved him .. I think I even apologised for it. **Sigh** .. yeah .. me and credibility aren't happy bedfellows this week. 

But, the funny thing is since I sold my soul (actually 'sold' is giving me too much credit, I just gave it up no charge, no questions) he has been incredibly sweet .. more so than usual .. and he keeps telling me just how MUCH he likes and adores me .. he SMS's constantly, he calls all the time, he is constantly lustful and complimentary. So, the weird thing is, that MY love maybe gives him some security? I'm not sure .. given that this is a man who is also allergic to the word 'relationship' (have I blogged about that yet? .. I must have .. surely ..)

He has told me that he loves me .. more than once actually .. and there is definitely a conversation in there but one that needs to be had over a bottle of something 40 proof methinks. In the meantime .. he likes me, he really, REALLY likes me .. and, for the moment, I guess I can live with that?

The one where she tries to set it all out succinctly ...

The story so far . . .

In case you have been too lazy to read my previous posts and because I have failed utterly to provide a linear narrative .. I think it will do you and me some good to recap. 

1: Girl meets guy online

2: Girl and guy hit it off and become involved in a virtual, distance thang.

• Problem: Guy is currently in a relationship and living with somebody although he says it is all but 'over' and asks girl to hang in there with him while this happens. 

3: About 6 months in: 'Affair 'has been very hot and heavy, they talk every day, often for hours and things get incredibly frustrating for the girl as she is waiting for him to leave relationship and she really, REALLY wants actual, skin-skin contact .. Skype ain't cutting it at this point. Things are very, VERY sexual and they both realise that this is a connection that one doesn't come across very often. 

4: She flies to him and spends the best part of a month in his city. He calls things off with the live-in GF and takes time off work - they spend quite a large amount of time together. It is more than either of them hoped .. and the sex is fantastic .. I mean, fucking fantastic. I don't know if you have ever had a six month buildup of phone sex and written/typed fantasies and video sex .. but ..hobooy .. it pays off.

• At this stage he is still living with ex GF but, only in a room mate capacity. 

5: When it is time to leave, he promises her that they will meet again - they have discussed him moving to be closer to her as he dislikes the city he is in - the biggest issue is the job - he doesn't want to give it up .. so although he has said he will come to her .. she has no idea when this will happen. 

6: They resume the relationship when she returns home but begin to talk practicalities. He is poly, or, poly-inclined and she .. isn't. 

• They share some fantasies and realise that they are both wanting to at least include another woman in the bedroom at times .. she thinks that this is a good step in giving him some variety while not challenging her emotional responses too far (okay, so she is actually kinda excited about it). 

7: Things get really bad with the ex GF and he moves in with his parents while looking for a new home. She worries that him getting settled somewhere closer to work will mean that he will be even less inclined to leave. 

8: Well ... this is where we are now .. and it ain't pretty .. in fact, it is getting kinda fucked up. 

I'll tell you what I want . .

I figured out that I want a 7.

If marriage/kids are 10

And FWB is 3/4 (depending)

With NSA being 0/1 (depending)

Then, I want a 7. 

Make sense?

We interrupt this narrative . . .

Let's skip a beat shall we?

I have been researching polyamoury for a week or so now because one of the difficulties I am finding is that I lack the vocabulary to express my definitions/wants/needs/expectations to my guy - and he keeps asking. Because he is terrifed he is going to wake up in a controlling, white-picket-fence relationship. 

And I get that, I really do. 

The thing is I don't want that either .. I have had my kids  - they are grown and out of home and while I think I could have probably done a better job, neither of them have turned out to be serial killers .. well, not that I am aware of. But the point is - I don't want suburbia, I don't want a husband and I don't want marriage - but, I do want somebody in my corner. 

Ideally, I want someone who lives closeby (I could handle living together I think but I am unconvinced that co-habitation is necessary), who I see at least 3-4 times a week, who provides emotional support, who knows and is interested in what is going on in my life and who is my lover. 

From what I can tell, this is a 'primary' relationship in poly terms. However, even this seems to be surrounded by contention as some poly folk seem to think that one can have several primary relationships - which kinda cancels out the primary bit no? .. I am confused. 

So, even when my guy and I dance around terms like 'relationship' and 'friendship' (yes, air quotes required but more on that later .. stay focused people!) and get kinda -sorta on the same page, we are left struggling with what 'we' are. 

We talk almost every day - usually for a couple of hours on Skype. Neither of us has a 'relationship' that is anywhere near as close with anybody else .. (I guess he would nod approvingly if I said we were each others primary 'friend'), neither of us is having sexual contact with anyone else, and when we do discuss outsiders being sexually involved - it is a sexual, not emotional involvement, and it usually involves bringing somebody or somebodies into 'our' bed .. for fun and profit (okay .. not profit but you follow right?). We are close, really, really close. He has told me he loves me (even though he doesn't believe in 'love' - yes, more air quotes) and I him .. I mean, he is moving to the other side of the country to be close by (I think .. that is the plan .. but .. well, I'll discuss that later to) which indicates to me that things are serious-ish .. aren't they?

Given that him moving is indeed a huge deal: leaving a decent job, leaving parents behind, coming to the country from the big smoke, changing states etc .. it's important that we talk. 

And, we try. 

Just last night he asked me what my 'expectations' (!!) are of him .. and I stuttered and stumbled and couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. formulate proper words. From memory, I said something along the lines of "I just want to be with you" .. lame I know. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am not great at any relationship (no air quotes) talks .. I struggle with this). Throw in a man who has just escaped what he considers to be a maniacally controlling relationship of which he was all-but tricked into, and who already had a pathological fear of 'relationships' anyhow and .. well .. I am scared to ask for what I want or to define it too heavily in case I scare him off. 

There, I said it. 

I don't know how to tell him that it's primary or nothing - he can fuck others, I can fuck others, WE can fuck others, but at the end of the day, I am just too emotionally invested in this man to have him as someone I just see once a week or less. 

And right this very moment, that terrifies me. I am terrified that if I try to explain what I want, he will feel potentially suffocated and run, but I am also terrified that if I don't explain and put a line in the sand then I will end up with less than I am deep-down willing to accept. It's a conundrum dear viewer .. it's a conundrum indeed. 

Whatever will she do?

The Net Connection Part 2 (Or, how I learned to stop worrying and get laid online)

This is way harder than I expected .. 

Bringing this blog up-to-date on things I mean, not, you know getting laid online because that .. well, let's face it, with Skype around, that part is kinda easy .. and fun. 

But, he did have to work for it. 

Having been single for quite a long, long LONG time (yes, I am talking years here), and having a rather problematic relationship with cameras and re-presentation (subject for a whole different and far more academic blog - so let's leave that for now) .. it took weeks before I would even show my face ..but of course, I eventually did .. and then I showed a whole lot more. 

I loved our cyber sessions .. I don't care what anyone says .. cybersex is fun ... and it can be damn personal if you are building a personal relationship with somebody. 

Which brings me to the first issue in this journey of getting to know a man who is poly by nature - he isn't comfortable with the word 'relationship'. 

Hhmmmmm .... 

Okay ... as a communications scholar, I can completely buy the premise that some words/terms mean different things to different people .. and I can be happy with that. 

As a woman .. I am thinking WTF???

And .. aren't you IN a relationship? Soooo .. WTF??

So, we are about 5-6 weeks in, things are hot and heavy (if not, as yet wet and wild .. Skype can only take one so far right?) ... and he has started to make these 'comments' and I have no idea how to process or make sense of any of it. 

On the one hand, he seems completely into me; we talk, for hours, every single day (well, almost every day), we email, we share intimate stuff, we joke, we tell each other how wonderful we think the other is .. it's all warm and really, really fuzzy .. so, again .. WTF?

You KNOW when someone is into you right? I mean, you just 'know' and I was pretty damn sure that he was into me .. in fact, he told me how wonderful I was all the time .. So, I decided to let the academic in me win the struggle and accept that it was simply an issue with te 'word' relationship rather than an issue with .. well, relationships themselves. 

Crisis avoided .. in the short term. 

Needless to say, this didn't last long .. the struggle for meaning grew the more we repressed and ignored it .. he claimed that he was into 'friendships' and that being a friend was more important than having a relationship .. and I, well, I admit, I struggled with this .. A lot.

Since meeting him, I have joined a relationship forum - run by women, for women, it is a place where women go to give each other advice about the men in their lives or, to vent about said men. I vented. A lot. 

The lovely ladies there have a saying to watch what a man does, not what he says. And this is great advice for the most part - but I managed to twist this logic so that while I was being told "I don't believe in relationships" (what he said), what I was taking on board was "I am really into you and you may just be the woman that changes me" (What he did .. or rather, how I interpreted what he did). Yeah .. I know .. kinda effed up huh??