It's All Over Now (Baby Blue)

This was a somewhat short-lived blog about my relationship as it appears that said relationship is over .. kaput .. dead in the water. 

It has been 9 days since he and I spoke on the phone and 5 days since he contacted me in any way - our longest ever.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that I called things off on Tuesday - he was bewildered as to his 'crime', and attempted to call/email/sms (which I ignored as I was so angry). After 24 hours, I replied to an email as he sounded terribly upset and depressed to which he responded quite light-heartedly (which annoyed me as I felt he was, yet again, pushing my concerns under the rug) so, I responded that to me, people (men) don't call because they don't WANT to call. And, from this, I can surmise that he has lost interest - which is fine but, he could have told me and saved me a lot of angst that week. I wished him well and told him that it was okay. 

I have not heard from him since - that was ... nearly 5 days ago. 

Fact is, I DID call things off. 

I also meant it 100% at the time. 

I also expected him to chase/fight for me.

I am struggling to understand how he could just let things go like that (while simultaneously understanding that it was me who called them off).

I am really, REALLY struggling to not contact him but I cannot see any way past our issue of distance and, after reading this blog, am left asking what exactly I would be fighting for? Some semblance of what things were like when I was there and we were together and just after I got back home?

Even though he was pretty wonderful while I was there, things weren't perfect, HE is not perfect (nobody is right?). 

Letting go .. that needs to be my focus. 

Funny, when I started this blog I thought it would be a journal of how I got through a LDR, but it has taken a sharp U-turn and looks like it is going to be about my own recovery from what was perhaps an impossible relationship to begin with, I just didn't recognise that it was. 

luurve junkie?

Looking back on the crappy relationships I have had, there were signs that the other party was less than .. well .. healthy, signs I chose to happily ignore because, you know, I was too flushed with dopamine and oxytocin to really care or, to care enough. 

Looking back at the LDR's I have had (oh yes, I'm in the plural here, this will be my third) I should also have opted out early on because one turned out to be a sociopathic womaniser and the other, well, he ripped my life apart when he wouldn't or couldn't take the step/s needed to be with me. And, I'm not talking metaphorically ripped apart - although there were some pretty spectacular metaphorical moments, but, I was so devastated that my whole life - every single aspect - took a hit and as ashamed as I am to admit it, some 11 years later, some parts have still not recovered and probably never will. A part of who I was got burned up in that break-up, the ambitious, fearless me was murdered and she won't be back again - I didn't even attend her funeral; I was too busy mourning. 

After Mr heartbreak came Mr sociopath and then, 3 or 4 (maybe 5?) short flings - each one more terrible than the one before until I finally put a halt on men completely - I went cold turkey. For seven years. 

And I was happy.

And I was free. 

Well, okay, I was content, and I didn't miss relationships and I didn't even miss sex (and believe me, I have a vast sex drive) after a while. I had completely and utterly given up the idea that I would ever have sex again or meet a man who even remotely interested me. And then I ran into O .. in a goddam chatroom of all places - something I had vowed 11 years before with Mr Heartbreak I would never, EVER do again - meet a man online and get involved in a distance affair. Not only that but he was taken .. aye carumba .. pass the girl some sense . . someone!!! 

Okay so at least O and I are in the same country .. that is something, even if we are on opposite coastlines. And, as of now, O is single, the GF is now the 'ex' GF so, again, this is a good thing. But the distance ... it's a problem .. and it plagues me every single day. I have had a distance thing blow up in my face as Mr heartbreak just couldn't make that final move when the time came - and I cannot but wonder if O's reasoning to stay where he is for another 12 months is a HUGE flag telling me that I am just not a priority and probably never will be. 

Is the fact that he is okay staying where he is a sign that I am ignoring? Or, is it a rational and adult approach to organising a new life: staying in a well paid job to garner more funds and more contacts before leaving for what is (without question) a downgrade in the employment chain (he won't get the same or even a similar job here, they simply don't exist). 

Is he leading me on?

Is it possible to keep feelings alive over a distance for ANOTHER 12 months? (11.5 now .. yes O, I'm counting!) 

When I called things off last week and cited the 12 month-stint as a reason, he said that he felt I was giving him and ultimatum of 'come here now or it's over'. Funny thing is, I feel the same way, like he is telling me 'wait 12 months or' ... well, there is no 'or', it's just 'wait 12 months', no discussion, no compromise.  

Is this my sign?

Will I look back on this one day and wonder why the hell I didn't just cut my losses?

But I really, REALLY like you.

Today has been a good day. 

It's been a hell of a good day.

I'm in love. 

I have no doubts whatsoever on this - and I apologise to anybody reading who is NOT currently in love because, I remember how puke-inducing it is to read about love when you aren't in love .. but .. there ya go .. puke away. 

I split up with my guy a few days ago - I called things off.

Mainly because I am not and do not deal with distance .. I LOATHE it. But, there was also the matter that he had updated his POF.com profile and it was .. well, it was pretty specific; he's still looking. IN fact, he has described me 2.0 in what he is looking for .. all the good bits but with the flaws removed. 

I wrote and told him that he should maybe take this time and just be single .. just do it right? Go for it. 

Well, my stand lasted about 12 hours until we talked, and by the next morning we were both feeling a bit broken and shattered .. by that afternoon (after I got friendly with a bottle of vodka and emailed him).. it was pretty much all back on again. Yes, I have lost all credibility but hey .. I got some damn fine cybersex. 

He has been wonderfully attentive these past few weeks since he moved away from the ex GF. He calls all the time and texts regularly and we are pretty much in the habit of sharing our day-day stuff. He is warm and loving and sweet and caring (I know.. gag right?) .. BUT .. he claims he cannot feel love. 

I have done a bit of Googling on this and there seems to be quite a number of people out there who claim they cannot or do not 'feel' love. This was all actually news to me; I thought it was just psychopaths who didn't love .. I thought wrong apparently. 

The strangest thing is that, it FEELS like love when I am with him. It really does. I have been in love before and I have been loved before and this FEELS like love. So, it's very confusing. Some of my GF's say that he does love, he just doesn't admit it to himself, or, he is capable of it, he had just been hurt and protecting himself .. you know what I am saying .. all those reasons excuses that would jump to mind (and are possibly jumping to mind for you right now as you read this) to explain how it is possible for somebody not to feel love. It seems impossible, unthinkable and it is rather terrifying to be in love with someone who says he cannot love - if you can imagine it. 

I got quietly and utterly drunk on the evening after the initial day that I suggested we go our separate ways for a bit .. I am talking a whole bottle of Stolis in two hours kinda drunk .. so, by the time our 'reconciliation' was happening, we fell into some pretty steamy phone chat and I think, I repeat THINK that I told him at least 3 times that I loved him .. I think I even apologised for it. **Sigh** .. yeah .. me and credibility aren't happy bedfellows this week. 

But, the funny thing is since I sold my soul (actually 'sold' is giving me too much credit, I just gave it up no charge, no questions) he has been incredibly sweet .. more so than usual .. and he keeps telling me just how MUCH he likes and adores me .. he SMS's constantly, he calls all the time, he is constantly lustful and complimentary. So, the weird thing is, that MY love maybe gives him some security? I'm not sure .. given that this is a man who is also allergic to the word 'relationship' (have I blogged about that yet? .. I must have .. surely ..)

He has told me that he loves me .. more than once actually .. and there is definitely a conversation in there but one that needs to be had over a bottle of something 40 proof methinks. In the meantime .. he likes me, he really, REALLY likes me .. and, for the moment, I guess I can live with that?

Remember that detonator button?

The one from my first post?

It was meant to represent the ticking time-bomb that was the situation of my guy attempting to stay living with his ex just after they split up - as roomies .. sharing rent, expenses etc but no longer a bed. 

I figured it would just be a matter of time before this happend:

And happen it did, about a week ago. 

Although, as it turns out, it looked more like this:

They argued all weekend, he left. End of story. 

A kind of anti-climax really. Well for me anyhow. 

He is currently looking for new digs and this bothers me as it means that he is set to stay in the city he is in .. I was always hoping that things would get so bad that he would be compelled to 'run away' and come to me .. hey .. a girl can dream right? 

So .. he is now officially single, we get to talk a lot more .. all the time actually, we have been video Skyping for hours and hours .. and it's lovely .. but, I still can't touch him .. and I REALLY wanna touch him.