If I ever get there . . .

The good news is that my angst has calmed down

The bad news is that is has been upgraded to paranoia. 

After a short spell of not contacting (it was only one night and he had been in contact that morning), things got back to normal. He calls or texts most mornings and he skypes every night .. I swing between thinking it's a good thing to get used to each other being a daily part of the day and wondering if he will just get bored/used to me or we will get bored/used to each other - and, I have no idea what the answer to that is, I guess only time will tell. 

He is currently moving his stuff out of the ex GF's house - he has spent the last 3 days there and, from what he has said it has all been quite civilised. Until today. 

According to him (and he has no reason to lie or embellish) she came home today and laid into him in a big way; he is evil, he lied to her, he deserves to rot in hell. And, I get that, I really do - there is nothing more frustrating than loving somebody who doesn't love you back or worse, breaks up with you. It sucks. 

One of the things that she is focused upon was the fact that it's not just a matter of NOT loving her, he CANNOT love her .. because he doesn't love. 

Of course, this problem now spills over to me. I have to consider and think about being in love with a man who cannot love me back - and this is a concern. He can care and like and lust and be warm and giving - in fact he is all of those things with me. But, he says he cannot love. Of course, one asks oneself if it is just a matter of not having found the right person/woman yet .. that perhaps one day he will meet someone so wonderful, so 'right', that he will be swept away with love. It's hard not to wonder that. 

But, this isn't the reason for my current paranoia. 
That began in a skype conversation about an hour ago: 

HIM: "She was yelling at me that I really do love her and why I am being so cruel, pretending that I don't."

"And I began to wonder about how this plays out with you and me"

ME: "Meaning?"

HIM: "Well, if I ever get to your location, will you be hurt and upset that I cannot love"

Did you catch the bit that sent me off the rails? "IF I EVER GET TO YOUR LOCATION"

Is he questioning that? Was it a badly worded turn of phrase? Am I being led on 'in case' he decides to come here (am I in the oven being kept warm?) ... 

He has always HATED the city where he lives, with a passion. Part of the reason he was coming here was because he wanted to get out of there. 

But, he is moving into new digs this weekend and he has found a share house that is occupied with 5 other guys - younger guys with whom he seems to fit in with quite well. This, to me, suggests that perhaps his city will be a better place to reside in - having pleasant and interesting room mates, being 2 hours (yes, 2 hours) closer to work and having the freedom to do what he wants after being in a highly controlling relationship for the last 3 years - well, it doesn't bode well for me I don't think. 

I really do want him to be happy and to fly. I love him, and I want that for him. Problem is, if he is happy and flying there .. why would he want to move?