Mind-fucking

Shakespeare Sir Walter Scott said it best  .. 

(I really wanted to use Shakespeare but, what can ya do?)

"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive"

I'm in a web of my own making right now, it's absolutely nobody's fault but my own. That doesn't make it any easier or, make it hurt less or even give me an escape hatch. Because, webs are sticky things and the problem is that even if we create them to ensnare our object of desire, there is a strong chance that other stuff is going to get .. well, ensnared as well, like ourselves .. for example. 

You probably have no idea what I am talking about and really, why would you? I was trying to be all literary and profound but really, I'm just sitting here licking my self-inflicted wounds - nowhere near as pretty an analogy, and certainly not profound. 

You see I'm not just stuck in a web of my own making, I'm mind-fucking myself - and not in, you know, the good way. No, it's in the 'what-the-hell-have-you-done-you-self-destructive-bitch' kinda way. 

The only good thing I can think to come from this is that I can serve as a cautionary tale for any other travellers on the LDR road .. I think much of this blog is a cautionary tale really so, why stop now? Why not just lay my cards on the table (or is that let them scatter all over the floor?) because someone, somewhere might just learn a thing or two about what not to do. 

So, if you are in a LDR, take heed, because I have a few words of wisdom:

1. Don't be too available for your lover - if you and he have a set time to talk and it's been more than a few months, great .. allow yourself to become part of his day-to-day, routine life, BUT (and I cannot stress this enough), if he deviates or fails to respect your routine and/or starts taking you for granted, even just a little bit, then be a bit more elusive, don't ever let him feel that he has you, no matter what. 
2. Insist on honesty - let him know that you won't have a stupid tanty or put him over the proverbial grill if he is honest with you BUT, at the same time, don't just 'accept' any behaviour/attitude because it comes under the umbrella of telling the truth. There is a vast difference between being an emotional nightmare to deal with (and so to be avoided) and a doormat. Know the difference, understand it, put it into practice. 
3. Don't drive yourself crazy wondering who or what he is up to and who or what with. He's a man so, chances are he did at least something today that you wouldn't be completely happy about. That's okay; it's almost to be expected - guys like to look and to fantasize about touching - if he is yours, that's as far as it will go and you don't ever have to know about it, if he isn't, well, you will learn that soon enough - no point derailing yourself in the meantime. 
4. Being at a distance gives you one, very important asset: you can be 'the perfect woman'. You aren't 'there' all the time, you can retain a bit of mystery and aloofness, you can get him to desire you like crazy because he cannot have you. This is no small thing - use it, let him miss you occasionally. (Conversely, this is also your biggest weakness, and works only for a limited time, the longer you are apart, the less power this wields).

There are no doubt more and I will add them as I think of them. It's probably, actually a very long list and everything on here was learnt either through this LD'R' or, in one of the previous ones. You see, I have found that certain principles hold true no matter who the guy and what the circumstances. The central and most disturbing of these .. let's call them truisms is this: most guys in most LDR's will cheat, most of the time. 

It may be that you trust your lover 100%, and I'm not going to dispute that - you know him better than I do. However my own personal experience bears this out 100%, three LDR's that all ended with cheating, that's 3:3, not excellent odds and really, a rather solid foundation for my angst. 

These men were/are not all assholes either. My first LDR was with a lovely, gentle man who I know for a fact loved me dearly. That relationship was over a decade ago and he and I are back in touch now as friends and I have asked him about what happened back then and he has told me; it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that I simply wasn't 'there', and she was. He couldn't see any way he and I could be together in (what was then) the near future and so, he opted out. 

Cheater number two WAS a lying, cheating scumbag. It wouldn't have mattered whether it was a LDR or not, he was going to cheat, a lot, with anyone he could cheat with. Ironically, he actually moved across the country to be with me - he made the journey - only to spend his days trawling the internet for women (plural, BIG plural). The worst aspect of this relationship was that while we were still in a distance thing, he once told me that he needed a 'weekend off' (no comms) because he was feeling overwhelmed with his feelings for me and the decision of whether or not to move and being the trusting, drama-free girl that I always strive to be, I was more than happy to give him this time. It wasn't until months later that I found out he was spending that weekend with one of his internet women. 

Before you ask yourself why on earth I allowed myself to become involved in yet another distance thing with yet another man I met online, let me explain that between numbers 1/2 and number 3, there has been about 11 years. I had no intention whatsoever of ever, EVER doing this again. 

But of course I did/have - which brings us to number 3 - my current guy. 

As you can imagine, my radar is somewhat skewed by my previous experiences. I have only ever been cheated on in distance relationships, it has never happened to me with men I met who lived close-by. Number 2 was a womaniser and I am not sure that it is fair to lump him in with number 1 in that sense as number 1 was circumstantial but, facts are facts. 

Number 3. Mr current. O. He isn't exactly 'cheating' as we aren't exactly in a 'relationship' and besides, he is telling me about the women he is talking to online - so, that's okay right (remember what I said about honesty?). Well, actually, it isn't. It isn't even a little bit okay. I'm not okay with it - not by a long, long shot. 

The worst part is that I don't feel that I have the right to be upset - like I am the one with the problem because, if we aren't 'really' in a relationship and if he is telling me about the women he is talking to then, it's not cheating right? In fact, isn't that just poly in practise? Well, no, I don't think it is. Because we never agreed it was okay to have sexual contact with other people 'as such' (we have never talked about ground rules or even if 'we' are in the postion to need ground rules). There all kinds of assumptions built in with his behaviour and actions about what is okay and what isn't okay - all his. IN many ways, I can't blame him as he has been kinda-sorta upfront and kinda-sorta honest - but, somehow, it feels like there is deception disguised as honesty at work here. Fact is, I feel devalued as a woman, as a person and certainly as a lover. 

I don't know how we can overcome distance, my background with LDR which is directly feeding my insecurities and his polyamorous nature - it is indeed a tangled, tangled web.