Looking back at the LDR's I have had (oh yes, I'm in the plural here, this will be my third) I should also have opted out early on because one turned out to be a sociopathic womaniser and the other, well, he ripped my life apart when he wouldn't or couldn't take the step/s needed to be with me. And, I'm not talking metaphorically ripped apart - although there were some pretty spectacular metaphorical moments, but, I was so devastated that my whole life - every single aspect - took a hit and as ashamed as I am to admit it, some 11 years later, some parts have still not recovered and probably never will. A part of who I was got burned up in that break-up, the ambitious, fearless me was murdered and she won't be back again - I didn't even attend her funeral; I was too busy mourning.
After Mr heartbreak came Mr sociopath and then, 3 or 4 (maybe 5?) short flings - each one more terrible than the one before until I finally put a halt on men completely - I went cold turkey. For seven years.
And I was happy.
And I was free.
Well, okay, I was content, and I didn't miss relationships and I didn't even miss sex (and believe me, I have a vast sex drive) after a while. I had completely and utterly given up the idea that I would ever have sex again or meet a man who even remotely interested me. And then I ran into O .. in a goddam chatroom of all places - something I had vowed 11 years before with Mr Heartbreak I would never, EVER do again - meet a man online and get involved in a distance affair. Not only that but he was taken .. aye carumba .. pass the girl some sense . . someone!!!
Okay so at least O and I are in the same country .. that is something, even if we are on opposite coastlines. And, as of now, O is single, the GF is now the 'ex' GF so, again, this is a good thing. But the distance ... it's a problem .. and it plagues me every single day. I have had a distance thing blow up in my face as Mr heartbreak just couldn't make that final move when the time came - and I cannot but wonder if O's reasoning to stay where he is for another 12 months is a HUGE flag telling me that I am just not a priority and probably never will be.
Is the fact that he is okay staying where he is a sign that I am ignoring? Or, is it a rational and adult approach to organising a new life: staying in a well paid job to garner more funds and more contacts before leaving for what is (without question) a downgrade in the employment chain (he won't get the same or even a similar job here, they simply don't exist).
Is he leading me on?
Is it possible to keep feelings alive over a distance for ANOTHER 12 months? (11.5 now .. yes O, I'm counting!)
When I called things off last week and cited the 12 month-stint as a reason, he said that he felt I was giving him and ultimatum of 'come here now or it's over'. Funny thing is, I feel the same way, like he is telling me 'wait 12 months or' ... well, there is no 'or', it's just 'wait 12 months', no discussion, no compromise.
Is this my sign?
Will I look back on this one day and wonder why the hell I didn't just cut my losses?
No comments:
Post a Comment