Typical . . . .

Not long after I posted he called. 

Typical. 

It's usually when I have gotten really angry/upset that this happens - boy has a radar I swear. He claims (!!) that he has had a hellish weekend and spent most of it angry. I don't doubt that as he still isn't moved into new digs. But, what I do doubt is that he didn't have the time to touch base. 

Especially when he has informed me that he has a found 'us' a woman who wants to be dominated sexually - someone who seems to be right up our libidinous alleyway actually. So, the doubter/cynic in me thinks, he has spent a bit of time over the weekend touching base with her and not me. 

Don't get me wrong, I am all for this .. I am looking forward to sharing a willing female - I really am, especially as this is something that he really wants - and I want him to be happy and to soar. The issue/s I have revolve around him and her spending private, getting-to-know-you time; virtual or otherwise. 

And, it's not just a time thing (the fact he didn't contact), we got into a rather hot 'n' heavy phone/skype sex session and well .. he was aroused - very much so - but, he was having problems pulling the trigger. And this sent off an alert, in fact it sent off all of my lerts. 

Weirdly, I honestly don't think it's possible for him to replace me .. no more than I could replace him; we are far from done with each other for one thing, I know that our story has a while to go but more than that - we really are each others mirror in many ways. 

We are both extremely perverted but - most people in the right setting - but O and I are perverted in the same way. However, what we really, truly share is a lack of a solid moral compass .. mine is dubious at best because I all-but raised myself mainly through books and television as my older brothers and sister were long gone by the time I was 7/8 and my mother always worked 3 or more jobs and so was simply never home to guide or shape me or really parent me in any fashion. Don't get me wrong here, I loved it. We always had a nice house, it was always spotlessly clean (my mother never stopped cleaning) and there were always pre-cooked meals ready to go - but - I was left to my own devices and many of the values, ethics and morals that one learns from family were simply not part of my life. 

This doesn't mean that I don't have any, it simply means that those I do have are the ones I have specifically chosen, they aren't part of my background or intuit learning. 

Somehow, someway, O is the same. 

He doesn't share my background story, he had a mother and a father and from what I can gather, they were present most of the time but O, like me, has a very disturbed moral outlook. 

I'm not a devil, I don't believe it's okay to murder people and I am not racist, sexist or homophobic. But .. I lack .. I lack a lot and my thoughts are often off-the-grid. For me, this pertains to my entire life - my work ethic is selfish at best, I cannot fathom capitalism, the nuclear family makes me want to vomit (I honestly get queasy at the sight of a white picket fence). I have no issues or problems with the unemployed or single mothers or anything like that. If anything, I think I am a hedonist. I think I should have lived in the time of Henry James and been one of his lovers. I know I should have been born wealthy because I have no real desire to spend my days selling my labour for an hourly rate. So, in that way, I'm also a Marxist. 

This doesn't mean that I don't work - I usually do. Right now, I'm not. I have not been working for over a year and I need to get back to it because, well, one needs money .. but work doesn't provide purpose, non whatsoever. 

With O, his corruptness comes through his sexuality, in most other areas while he is a liberal-minded guy, he is far more conservative than me. For him work does give purpose and life should be a series of steps that ensure ones safety from birth to the end. 

But, I digress, radically and substantially. 

Fact is .. at our age, most folks have succumbed to kids, mortgages, careers and the day-day minutiae that is middle-age-edness ... O says I am childlike .. which is a tad too close to childish for my liking, but, he is right. I am childlike. I run, I jump off cliffs and I fall .. I fall very very hard sometimes. But, no matter what else, I desire. And like a child, I must possess the object of my desire no matter the cost. 

O is that object, and although I do ponder the cost, it appears that I am willing to pay it at this point.