Things go pear-shaped ..

I mentioned that he's poly right?

Well, we have never really talked about what this means for 'us'. In fact, as I have already written, we have problems talking about 'us'/ Much of this is due to my .. I LOATHE having relationship 'talks' .. I find it incredibly difficult. 

So, while we have discussed and fantasised about having another woman in the bedroom - and agreed that this is something that we both want .. we haven't discussed dating or fucking outside the relationship, or what the relationship is (and therefore can we really be dating/fucking outside of it if it doesn't exist? ..aarrgghghghg). 

He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was 'in contact' with a woman who was looking for a couple. At the time, I got a bit thrown because it seemed to indicate that he was looking to stay in his city - not getting ready to come here, like I thought. The fact that he was in contact with a woman, well, it bothered me a little but, I trust him and, she was looking for a couple so .. all good right?

Uh-huh .. I am an idiot... go ahead .. say it. 

This past Sunday, we had been video chatting for a few hours when he told me that this woman had disappeared and was no longer answering his emails. Apparently, they had been exchanging erotic writing and at some point phone numbers as she called him asking for phone sex. Uhmm.. wtf???

Somehow, while he was calmly telling me all of this, I managed to keep it together and not have a knee-jerk reaction. After about 10 minutes I logged off and thought about what had just happened. For, if this woman was looking for a couple - wth was she doing only conversing with the male? And, how did he present him and I if she was comfortable calling him and asking for phone sex? Obviously she didn't think it was a problem  .. and clearly .. she wasn't only looking for a couple and .. uhhm .. clearly... he either had no idea what my boundaries are or that this was all incredibly disrespectful. The thing is, he told me all of this quite matter-of-factly .. his point was only 'isn't it weird that she disappeared?' ..  he clearly did not see it as a potential issue. 

So, between the distance, the ambiguous 'nature' of our relationship and now this rather serious breach of trust (in my opinion) .. I was at saturation point. 

To me, there was just too much to deal with - and trying to have a LDR where there are trust issues? Not my idea of a good time. 

So, I wrote an email (I always write an email) outlining my problems with the distance, the undefined nature of him and me and the fact that my trust was now dented .. and that I was having problems seeing a way through all of that. 

Initially, he tried to contact but seemed to be ignoring the email - but we touched base earlier tonight when he finally asked if we could discuss what I had written. 

First of all we 'defined' the relationship - well, he did, I got all tongue-tied like I always do and he took the lead so that I could just dis/agree as the case may be. So, we are on the same page there .. finally .. and I feel some sense of security about that. 

Next .. the distance .. and here is the kicker. He says he needs to stay where he is for another 12 months due to work. When I explained that it is incredibly hard for me to have him across the country he said it is incredibly hard for him to and he misses me all the time .. and here is where I simply don't get it. 

I'm a jumper. 

If I want something/see an opportunity I jump .. feet first, off the cliff and hope against hope that there aren't any rocks below .. Now I get that not everybody is like me, I really do .. and I can see the benefit/s of acting like a responsible adult at times .. but, there is responsibility and there is just plain fear and BS. 

And this, seems like fear and BS to me no matter how it is spun. I don't think he is BS-ing to me, I think he is BS-ing to himself because it is a big move and he needs time to process. 

So, he has asked me to wait for 12 months  ..to be effectively on lay-by (or lay-away for those of you in the USA) .. he has promised to visit .. but, that is where it stands. 

I haven't said okay. I am far from saying okay. The past 9 months have driven me batshit crazy as it is .. I am seriously unsure if I can do it for another 12, visits or no visits. 

And, on top of that, comes the poly issue .. we haven't discussed what happened with the woman - he apologised for upsetting me .. and asked if I wanted to be the one to choose or okay potential others - to which I said no. I don't want that. If he is attracted to somebody then we will look at what that means when it happens but I don't want to control that. 

BUT.

I absolutely cannot see myself being okay with him dating/fucking others while we are in a distance thing .. I am going to struggle a little as it is and I will need him nearby to help me with what I am sure will be a bit of a challenge .. but for someone else to get skin-skin contact while I only get him on a computer? .. Yeah, I don't think so. 

So, there needs to be more talk .. at which I suck. And I need to make a decision - at which I suck. And, I need to define my boundaries and figure out if and how this can work for me. 

I'm really not sure, but will let you now what I decide.