We interrupt this narrative . . .

Let's skip a beat shall we?

I have been researching polyamoury for a week or so now because one of the difficulties I am finding is that I lack the vocabulary to express my definitions/wants/needs/expectations to my guy - and he keeps asking. Because he is terrifed he is going to wake up in a controlling, white-picket-fence relationship. 

And I get that, I really do. 

The thing is I don't want that either .. I have had my kids  - they are grown and out of home and while I think I could have probably done a better job, neither of them have turned out to be serial killers .. well, not that I am aware of. But the point is - I don't want suburbia, I don't want a husband and I don't want marriage - but, I do want somebody in my corner. 

Ideally, I want someone who lives closeby (I could handle living together I think but I am unconvinced that co-habitation is necessary), who I see at least 3-4 times a week, who provides emotional support, who knows and is interested in what is going on in my life and who is my lover. 

From what I can tell, this is a 'primary' relationship in poly terms. However, even this seems to be surrounded by contention as some poly folk seem to think that one can have several primary relationships - which kinda cancels out the primary bit no? .. I am confused. 

So, even when my guy and I dance around terms like 'relationship' and 'friendship' (yes, air quotes required but more on that later .. stay focused people!) and get kinda -sorta on the same page, we are left struggling with what 'we' are. 

We talk almost every day - usually for a couple of hours on Skype. Neither of us has a 'relationship' that is anywhere near as close with anybody else .. (I guess he would nod approvingly if I said we were each others primary 'friend'), neither of us is having sexual contact with anyone else, and when we do discuss outsiders being sexually involved - it is a sexual, not emotional involvement, and it usually involves bringing somebody or somebodies into 'our' bed .. for fun and profit (okay .. not profit but you follow right?). We are close, really, really close. He has told me he loves me (even though he doesn't believe in 'love' - yes, more air quotes) and I him .. I mean, he is moving to the other side of the country to be close by (I think .. that is the plan .. but .. well, I'll discuss that later to) which indicates to me that things are serious-ish .. aren't they?

Given that him moving is indeed a huge deal: leaving a decent job, leaving parents behind, coming to the country from the big smoke, changing states etc .. it's important that we talk. 

And, we try. 

Just last night he asked me what my 'expectations' (!!) are of him .. and I stuttered and stumbled and couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. formulate proper words. From memory, I said something along the lines of "I just want to be with you" .. lame I know. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am not great at any relationship (no air quotes) talks .. I struggle with this). Throw in a man who has just escaped what he considers to be a maniacally controlling relationship of which he was all-but tricked into, and who already had a pathological fear of 'relationships' anyhow and .. well .. I am scared to ask for what I want or to define it too heavily in case I scare him off. 

There, I said it. 

I don't know how to tell him that it's primary or nothing - he can fuck others, I can fuck others, WE can fuck others, but at the end of the day, I am just too emotionally invested in this man to have him as someone I just see once a week or less. 

And right this very moment, that terrifies me. I am terrified that if I try to explain what I want, he will feel potentially suffocated and run, but I am also terrified that if I don't explain and put a line in the sand then I will end up with less than I am deep-down willing to accept. It's a conundrum dear viewer .. it's a conundrum indeed. 

Whatever will she do?